A-RandomKid

There will always be a dark side behind my masked face. Forever.

[a-randomkid]

Some nights I struggle to fall asleep. I can feel the pressure of so much anxiety building and no matter what I do, I cannot shake it off my skin. It’s these little details, subtly finding their way into my head. And my head has a habit of spiraling them out of control. It’s gut wrenching honestly. I don’t feel any closer to myself after all these years. I still feel like I am watching my life unfold from a distance and I can’t get it back. I have tried self reflection. I have tried self preservation. I have tried self contemplation. I find my thoughts are uncontrollable. They pass with time, but some nights they come full force and drown me. I am drowning tonight.

[a-randomkid]

Many times I’ve written often patience. Of hope. Of love. Every time I write is for myself. To express my feelings. To hear them. To read them. To write them. And to relieve myself of them. Every call for help. Every emotional response. It is for myself. An expression of my inner self. In the best way I know how to let go. And this is important to my soul. For it is how I can cope with the thoughts that cloud my mind. I believe in self guidance. I believe in myself. Even when I say I can’t. Because the only way I will when I forget is to say it. This is for me. Myself. To grow myself. To find myself. To express myself. Gibberish at times. But meaningful to my thoughts. So I may one day let them go.

[a-randomkid]

Again sunken in this hole.

Bound by the means of hope yet hope never comes.

Trapped by the fears of loss.

Loss that seems inevitable yet again.

Broken by the glass of pain.

Shattered and scratched by the overwhelming pain.

Searching for peace. Searching for inner peace.

Blanketed with tears.

Fucked in the head.

Spiraling again in this feeling of despair.

I beg for a way out. I desperately want out.

Out of this hole. Out of this hole I’ve dug.

So I write. I hope. I pray. I cry. I beg. I need hope.

[a-randomkid]

A Gift At The Right Time

There’s something about you that feels familiar. Something that makes you special to me. I can’t help but stay curious, as I look at you searching for it.

I’ve studied your eyes, they’re filled with pain. Your smile and words mask this well enough, but I sense you struggle internally and you search for answers through your thoughts.

You speak your mind not worried who can hear. This is wonderful, yes it is. I want to believe you’re just the one, but I can’t help feeling something familiar.

The smiles you give and the love you emit, it’s strong, feels raw and deep. I want this very much and I hope you share it with me. I’d like to share mine with you.

The passion in your voice, it amplifies your mood. I wonder if you don’t feel like you can be heard. I know many have hurt you and I don’t want to fix that. I’ve learned from my mistakes before. But every time I see you, I just want to smile, because you are special to me.

If I could ask one thing of you and never regret it, I’d wonder if you hurt yourself. If this were the case then I’d urge you to smile, but now I know it’s possible to escape.

It’s been quite a while and this feels so natural, but goodness you feel familiar. I hope you feel the same way so we can seek our lives together. You’re beautiful in every possible way.

[a-randomkid]

Ode to the ones who have given me life, love, and curiosity. Never was there more for me to believe in but with your presence once in my life. I am grateful for the journeys we stepped through together and I am saddened by what journeys we never reached. Please forgive me for my actions and all the pain I ever caused you. You were and will always have been the best part of my life. I hope to repay my debts to you someday. Remember to smile. Memories are better when you smile.

[a-randomkid]

Confusion is the silent enemy

I don’t know what happened between us.

I don’t know why, you just won’t discuss.

Something has happened in your mind.

It scares me, I’m worried I’m blind.

I don’t know why you stopped talking to me.

I don’t know what causes your anxiety.

I feel like I’m lost in your nightmare.

It’s this darkness that traps me nowhere.

I wish you would give me your attention.

Help me work on this anxiety prevention.

No matter the time, I’m still here.

I’m just scared that you’ll disappear.

[a-randomkid]

Deathly Awake

I still sit here and have no idea how I got here.

This feels like a damn dream

As though I died and my brain has locked my body into this undead state of decay where nothing makes sense and the irrational is my disguised blessed.

God I think my hell has risen and I'm forever stuck here feeding tigers by the hand just waiting for the day that one bites it clean off just so I can feel a sense of pain.

This is my own worst fear.

That I'm already dead.

[a-randomkid]

A Call For You

This is my call

A missing voice that sings bright

Hoping soon to find delight

In this cold dark fall.

I am blissfully awake

Seemingly well within sight

Dreaming of some empty night

Without a mistake.

My mine tells me that I’m a liar

Even though it’s suppose to be on my side

Watching me wait for my ride

To the eternal fire.

No matter my expression

Or how well I can glide

My hands are tied

Because of the depression.

One foot forward

All aboard this train to nowhere

With shouts that it’s not fair

That we could head northward.

For what lies ahead

Has no single pair

And which no one wants to care

But must be said.

I hate you

I hate that you won’t let me in

That you watch me sin

All to make it feel true.

But I love you

And all the words that you pen

They make me feel free of sin

Hoping that you’ll love me too.

[a-randomkid]

It’s hard for me to grasp reality. Small tasks are meaningless. Large projects are endless. Each day that passes, I lose sight of the goal. Each goal that I miss makes me numb to the failures. I have no drive to improve. I have no hope left to hold onto. What has happened to let me get to this point? I cannot escape reality. I’m not even sure why I want to escape. What is here that I don’t want. I didn’t think I could get this far down the hole. I’m better than this. But every now and again I get a taste of the subconscious. It’s a flashlight shining bright at the inconsistencies. The things that call my attention from across the room. I can’t find what I’m looking for. So I want to escape. Is that a sign of failure? Is this my way of giving up? I don’t want answers. I want support. I want trust. I want hope. I’m so far down the hole. I feel like I’m too far down the hole. 

[a-randomkid]

I dreamt about you. I wish you were still here. I miss you.

[a-randomkid]

The world to end

[a-randomkid]

What is it

What am I waiting for

Where could it be

What made me fall for

Sleep tight

Don’t bite

That’s all I think about

My dreams died

That night

Shattered out of sight

So tell me one thing

Just one thing

What am I waiting for

Well I open up my eyes

And all I see is my demise

Simple dreams turn to lies

Listen up, my cries

So I hear

I swear

There’s nothing too easy

I miss

I bleed

There’s nothing so sleezy

But damn

I need

Something less empty

My heart

Is gone

Out for you

So I ask of all the details

My mind is so alone

It needs just one answer

What am I waiting for

[a-randomkid]

Some days are harder than others. Today, I really miss you. I hope you’re okay.

[a-randomkid]

Some days I’m as happy as can be. Some days I want to be left alone. Some days I struggle to comprehend my own emotional state.

Today I have had a flurry of emotions that I fear haunt me endlessly through time.

There was a time in my life when I was selfish. I felt I deserved something I did not receive. I did not understand the value of the work I needed to put in. Through that lens, I chose to let go of the one I loved. At the time, I was confident in my emotions. I felt restricted, and conflicted. But I was young and naïve.

Today, I reflect back on that, as I do from time to time, to try and understand who I was, how much I’ve grown, and what I still need to work on to be the best I can be. I have accepted my apology to myself for the place I have put my mental state. I have accepted my inability to fully let go of what I once cherished long ago. I have accepted the world as I have witnessed it with its imperfections. I only contribute to imperfection. I have accepted I will never be the man I want to be.

Sometimes, I wish I could truly offer the apology I need her to accept for me to feel that I am capable of bandaging the damage I have done. But I understand I do not deserve that satisfaction. I do not deserve her presence no matter how bad I want it. I am flawed. I am imperfect. And the mistakes I have made have chosen the path I walk ahead. There is no what-if. I cannot change the past. I cannot control the present. And I certainly cannot predict the future. I am but a worthless man living on this planet just trying to understand himself. I struggle no more than anyone else. I have accepted my fate.

It has been 7 years without her. 7 years I have spent learning about the world, myself, and how things work. My mind grows weaker with time. Not that I am letting go of myself, just that I know for certain that I will never find another woman like her. I miss her. I love her. These are facts. But without her, I will try to do better. It’s my only goal. To do better.

Good night. Stay safe.

[a-randomkid]

I’m starting to believe the end of the tunnel isn’t what I thought it would be. It seems to be brighter, unrealistic, beyond life. I think I’m nearing the end. I feel overwhelmed with emotion. I feel like I’m letting go. Have I given up? I don’t understand who I am anymore. I don’t recognize myself. Im sad

[a-randomkid]

I’m hopeless always.

I laugh often.

I love endlessly.

I feel like a ghost.

I’m desperate for hope.

[a-randomkid]

Why do I struggle sometimes? I cannot feel close to anyone. I want it so badly, but I’m too scared of what might happen. And now, no one wants to be close to me. I am meant to be alone now. Forever walking with an empty hand. Waiting for my number to be called.