mad mage's musings.

[a-souls-sojourn]

I tend to burn the bridges I try to maintain

I dont know how to fix them anyways

I loose so much in my scramble for someone to stay

Im so tired

Im so alone

Im so sorry

I should have known

[a-souls-sojourn]

Something new

a light in the effervescent sky

a smile of an endless night

a small portion of infinity

a strip of the endless cosmos

a sample of the unending void

a shadow of the brightest stars

a cloud of stardust

a mote of forbidden knowledge

a partition of the deep abyss

and

a lazy babbling creak

a moss-covered stone

a song birds call

a sunlit canopy

a deep forest

a summers light breeze

a wild meadow

a leaf in the wind

an ancient tree

[a-souls-sojourn]

Love

I fall far too often, far too easy, and far too quick

but my stomach is uneasy, I'm feeling queasy, so I'll sit

over here in this corner, in these shadows, that I've called home

over here, where there is no fear and all is clear, yet I'm alone

I tried once, to leave this all behind

but I am far too willing, far too open, and far too kind

so I will keep on falling, for every stranger and for all my friends.

dear I will keep on loving till my life is at its end.

[a-souls-sojourn]

A Big Beautiful Burger

as the hammer of facism falls I sit and eat a burger, with no cheese, I made sure to ask the cleric.

so simple and mundane as life as we know it is stripped away. no proverb would save this broken empire from ruin.

the meat is dry. and I calculate how many hours of my day I just sold for a brick of meat, sauce, and bread. an hour and a half, I conclude, like dust in the wind. and I make more than many.

as politicians grow fat on their gains from their corporate overlords who slowly inch out of the shadows. selling your soul is quite lucrative after all. the facade falls and the masks slip too. holding so loosely to their humanity these tyrants laugh and play. as they condemn generations to pain and suffering they smile.

"the nays have it, we will not allow you to live happily," they gloat to the world.

more than just their gluttony and greed is their apathy. as they decry empathy as a stain.

this is both too wet and too dry, I wake myself from my brooding as I take the last bite.

how in seeking to make something great have you so thoroughly destroyed it and made it terrible? a utopia for the rich, and a dystopia for the poor. you condemn them to starvation, toil, and then death yet claim to be good. you open concentration camps and show the world your new toys you can pummel the people you dislike with.

these fools claim to speak for a people none of them resemble.

too rich to care for the working class' woes.

too white to accept any other way of life.

too greedy to have morals to hold.

and too needy to have a backbone for whats right.

[a-souls-sojourn]

i want to belong so desperately i fear others can feel it, my yearning.

and more than i fear loneliness, i fear that subtle vulnerability i give freely.

that one would notice my opening and seize it, and crush me.

[a-souls-sojourn]

Pain and Blues

this week was worse by far, and I keep making it worse. everything hurts and I can't think straight. everything is blurred at the edges and life doesn't stop just because I am in agony. no one cares about my pain it has just become another background noise to ignore for everyone around me. and I push myself harder than I should because I feel like I'm not doing enough.

another kink, another scar, a broken heart, and a new tune here and there. It's just the way it is.

I wish there was more to life than pain and blues. I tire of this vicious cycle. can't I just be done learning lessons from the universe?

I want so deeply to be able to sing from anything other than anguish, anger, and despair. but all my soul conjures is sorrow and turmoil.

I ought to get used to the idea that my story is not one of joy but sorrow and grief. I do not lead a happy life. I do not get that luxury. I burn with pain and cry my lamentations to the skies. I am not relieved of sorrow only given another portion to partake in.

[a-souls-sojourn]

Growth, an Aquisition

i love black coffee.

it's flavor, it's energy.

i have not always loved coffee, it took me quite some time to enjoy it really. sure, not knowing i have allergies to most things people add didn't help that fact.

it wasn't until I tried coffee on its own, unmodified, that i actually started enjoying coffee.

i feel like some things i add to just because everyone else does. am i missing something similar in my own life? sex, maybe? or even a life partner?

maybe i just want that because everyone has told me i need it. that there is something more i can't get on my own.

because i do not mind being on my own. but i do feel like i need more than that. i'm just not sure if i want that, or i just think i do because i was told to for so long.

what is life but a series of expectations thrust on you as a child, only to not be able to meet them in the end.

i have not acquired the taste for life.

maybe i should stop adding things people insist makes it better.

[a-souls-sojourn]

fun

i got to play minecraft last night with a few friends. it was nice, something that reminds me of childhood. the only portion of innocence my soul remembers. a solace of sorts, a calm and gentle thing.

i miss being able to sit and play in silence for so long. so many hours, my mother called them a waste. and i enjoyed every second. every moment of escape that game gave me.

and they've turned it into a joke. they turned this calm and warming game into a festering pool of micro-transactions and pain. the game has lost its soul.

but who would blame them? all to the expense of profit.

i blame them, really. they gouged out the soul of a game that has given me more warmth than most people.

how dare you harm my childhood friend.

[a-souls-sojourn]

a wish

I wish to love in a way that inspires art.

I wish I could feel loved like I've felt loss.

[a-souls-sojourn]

Atmosphere

there is something to be said about the atmosphere of a place.

something that affects mood, emotions, and meaning.

a tune can change just by the atmosphere it was played in.

something deemed sweet and innocent can turn eerie and cause you to become wary.

it is why winter turns many to hints of paranoia and bouts of depression.

a thought is harmless in the warmth. it is nothing under the rays of the sun.

[a-souls-sojourn]

A Reckoning

"What do I need?!" I cry to the heavens

"What am I missing?" I shout as I weep

"I help when I'm needed, I do not let my friends feel alone! I'm here for all others, yet I don't have a home!"

"Don't you?" The wind whispers in its thousands of ways.

In the moments of meaning and the "have a good days."

In the smile of a stranger turned into a friend

In the feeling of a long story that has come to its end.

On and on the winds meaning is clear

You do have a home, and it is right here.

"Why then do I feel a missing peace,"

"You are feeling the grief, and the loss of a friend. Just let yourself weep or it might never end,"

"Grief?!" I cry "how do I weep when I know it was me!?"

"I lost this friend myself, I pushed them, and I made them want nothing more from me. I do not deserve to heal from that wound. The knife I placed in my own heart should stay!"

"Why?" The wind asked, in it's whispery way

It mentioned the progress and heartfelt regret.

It noticed the music, the remorse, and the deepest of debts.

It brought up my suffering, my past, then my will.

It showed me the wandering, the listless, how I was there still

"You need to forgive yourself and let yourself heal. You aren't who you were on that selfish day."

"You've let yourself fester in penance and shame. If you continue, you will hurt others like them. The world doesn't deserve what you would wrought. So let yourself out of your self-inflicted rot."

"I'm sorry," I whisper back. "I wish to forgive, but I can not forget."

"Then don't," the wind spoke in a sudden gust. "Do not forget, yet let yourself trust."

[a-souls-sojourn]

existence weighs heavy today

how do I cope with existence alone? I don't feel like living today. everything just feels dull.

how do I cope with wanting a love and acceptance that is hard to swallow.

[a-souls-sojourn]

Coffee never tastes better with sugar.

if the cup is bitter, it will not be less bitter if you add sweet. All that will do is make it more complicated, make it hard to go back to what it was. It wasn't good to begin with, and you've only made it worse in the adding. sickly sweet as well as bitter and burnt now.

Just dump it out and start over. Not everything started was destined to finish.

No amount of adding will fix a bad cup of coffee.

[a-souls-sojourn]

I wish to exist without the burden of being

the world has grown cold as my coffee does the same. How do I exist in a world fit to punish me for any good that has come for me?