Kenzie

Kenzie, Kenz, sometimes Mackenzie, never Mac. I’m a 24 year old born in New York schooled in Philadelphia, and currently living in NY. My favorite color is currently pink.. My addictions include wine, running, and being on my phone. More often that not I can be found color coding my bullet journal or reading a book. The past two years I’ve been teaching English, but my goal for the next year include creating content and searching for a new opportunity. Just like you’re average 24 year old, I’m creeping closer to the mid way point (lookout quarter life crisis) so my mind is always changing. What will I do next? Where will I go next?

[a20somethinggirl-blog1]

Love.

I wanted to let today’s post flow from a writing prompt; write about a time you felt loved. It turned into something else and *shock* I don’t hate it, now read along and find out what it turned into...

It’s funny, the first time my heart was broken I thought I would never feel love again. The reality is far from that though-I was able to not only find love in myself I was able to love another person.

When I started to love myself I removed all judgmental and manipulative people from my life. I started talking to strangers and dressing in a style that I truly felt proud to be in.  It was full of sparkles, fur, and light colors ranging from pink, to blue, and purple (the color I’ve worn the most last two winters). I don’t know if it was living in Europe or living in the city, but I felt that for the first time I was able to embrace the person I was always meant to be (a person I feel like I’m losing which I discussed in my last post)

Then sometime after that I fell in love, all at once. It was the most amazing thing, even writing about it now makes my stomach churn with little lights of warmth.  It was during this time that I realized I could love again, and deeply.  I forgot what it was like to give and receive love. It seems like such a simple thing, but in the past it was something that was lacking.  I wanted more than anything to give the love I’d received to other people, but I also wanted that to be reciprocated. I wanted to kiss someone and feel that *spark* and I did. We enjoyed that whirlwind romance too. We were in that magical golden haze that we truly never left because I came home for the summer.

I made a mistake in that moment, I didn’t listen to my intuition and made a decision based on other people's wants and needs. I considered what everyone else wanted instead of myself. I’m not mad at anyone for it either.  I’m mad at myself for not fully accepting that I could be something more. I  could live the life I wanted without judgement and manipulation.  I lost that love I felt for myself in that moment, but I also lost the love I felt for someone else. I’m mad at myself more than anything. I lost love and it hurts everyday, but writing this down helps relieve that heavy burden I’ve been feeling.

[a20somethinggirl-blog1]

Tumultuous Times

A morning in the life of an unemployed almost 25 something girl feeling lost, confused, with the drive to make it (alone) in this world.  

I’ve taken the last two years to utterly find and fall in love with myself. I became a butterfly someone who was outgoing, self-reliant, and felt comfortable being herself. It hurts that within the last two months I’ve felt like my wing was broken. I am none of these things I’ve prided myself on. Most days I'm struggling to hold on. However I’m working every single day to be a better version of myself. I’ve spent the last two years in Europe, I made my life there. I want it back, not the same version of what I had, but a better one. I’m not sure how I’ll get there or what I’ll do next and honestly that part absolutely terrifies me *cue working out and meditation and journaling* every day. The overall current feeling I have scared and unstable, but the routine,  keeps me steady like a boy who has his arm around me when I’ve had a little too much to drink and I’ve started swaying. 

So a day in the life,  I wake up and make my bed and tidy up.  It’s lame, but true, the organization and lack of clutter help keep my mind clear.  That being said (and my roommates of past can attest to this) I am not the cleanest of people all the time. I come down stairs and make coffee (or absolute doodie water that is coffee in America).  I normally spend some time talking with my mom before going back to get back to the rest of my day.  

I’ll sit down at my desk (well my sisters that’s currently in my room) I look at my to-do list in my organizer (that I make the night before so my brain isn’t buzzing before bed). I write in my journal and then depending if I have work or not my morning will proceed one of two ways.  Option 1: I go for a run, proceed to wash up, take my daily vitamins (currently at 5 a day), get changed, make-up, and greet the day *hello day* Option 2: I do all my morning getting ready and go for a run at the end of the day.

These morning (and evening rituals) are keeping me sane through this strange in between time. I also work part-time to socialize and make some money. Everyday gets a little bit better, but it’s frustrating not knowing exactly what I want. I know what I don’t want. I do know I want something I’m passionate about because it makes me feel like I’m making a difference and motivates me to do a good job.  I truly miss that about teaching, that moment it all clicks in a students head or when they start using something I taught them.

So stay tuned for this absolutely tumultuous time in my strange life. 

Xo,

Kenzie