a big b with a big itch @a6adbwitha6igitch - Tumblr Blog

im tired of learning more about you from the internet.

youre not supposed to be this far away but you push me so hard i cant help but want to get closer.

i dont know if youre even thinking about me now while im here unable to move on from what we did.

i wanted to see you more but i dont think youre interested.

a friend says its ego thats keeping me from facing that truth. but isn't it the id?

i honestly shouldn't be thinking about you when ive got so many other things on my plate.

you make me think was it all an act when we hung out? or was it just you applying what youve been writing in your stories?

your book lies on top of the rest of the books i want to read. but i cant bring myself to get through it without wanting to know more about you.

paintedpatroclus

heard something was happening with zukka idk

i should change my toothbrush

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

it's so easy to do the things you don't want to do but have to when life feels so sure it's going to turn out good.

i just got an email saying i'm qualified and ready to start training and i feel so much better now. i don't want to die anymore knowing i have something to look forward to.

after reading that email, i was up and running. i didn't feel like wasting my days sleeping the hours away. i wanted to go out. play with the dogs. walk around. dress up. do the things i need to get done, even if i don't want to, but it felt good getting them done knowing my mind was at a better place.

the notion of staying alive was hard to digest even when i have so many people around me who support me and show up for me but just knowing that it gets better after months of sitting in anxiety is just the breath of clarity that i needed.

i'm so grateful for the experiences that have brought me to this point but i don't want to get into the headspace of wanting to kill myself again. i know there's so much to live for, so many people who look up to me, so many things waiting for me, but it gets hard just trying to live when you know it would be so much easier without this weight on my back making me feel uneasy of what is to come.

i should be happy of the multiple possibilities that i am capable of but the thought of not having security is what scared me the most these past weeks and i don't want to feel scared like that ever again.

that's one of the words i said last january to my coach: security. i was able to finish my teaching internship, now it's a matter of securing myself for what i want so that i can achieve them. i know what i want and don't want, i just have to make sure that these are the things i remember in times most important.

#tw suicide

if they can reboot percy jackson, i just hope theyd reboot the mortal instruments. with hotter actors.

#the mortal instruments #reboot

oh god, here i go again writing about another man. what pisses me off is that there isn't anything inherently sexual going on or happened between us. it was just pure company and conversation. the real type of raw.

what's pissing me off is that i don't think i understand that. i'm getting angry over something that should well be in my control. i'm here all over again making the same mistake of driving less than an hour to his place, another hour to where we (he?) wanted to be, and back. that's four hours used for driving. all of that effort and this was just for fun? this can't be.

i don't know why i'm so angry when i literally signed up for this. i consented to it. i allowed for this to happen. maybe i was expecting a kindness in return. for all the effort i tried to make up for myself. wasting away what parts i have for another rich man when he already has everything. trying to impress him when clearly he's not one to be easily swayed. "when there's chemistry", but i don't think there is.

i don't want to see him anytime soon. but i do know, that i'd do anything for a guy i want to want me back. even if it means losing sleep.

did you just use me? i dont get it. im so confused as to how you could want me to an extent one night, then delete our whole conversation in another. i dont know how your mind works but that definitely doesnt scream "you didnt do anything wrong". was it wrong for me to want to meet again? didnt you want to meet again? i thought i did a good job and that you liked how wild i was. i didnt see any red flags from when we met that night but was it because i was wearing rose-colored glasses for having to meet the guy i thought i didnt have a chance with? you really caught me off guard when you asked me that terribly juicy question, to which i agreed with a please.

now im so depressed im sleeping my rest days away. i should be seeing other people but they dont hold a candle to how wild we both were for each other that night. how are actions were spoken in whispers but made waves in how hard and rough we ended up. youve ruined hooking up for me because everyone who wants me now is just dust compared to your statuesque figure.

i dont want to go back to being a stalker again. not when ive been threatened to be taken to the police. although i liked the thrill of being a harmless criminal, that wasnt very a good feeling to have felt. i know where you live and i know how to get there, but i want to be invited again. was i wrong to have asked to see you again? i do admit i did ask kindly. "can i see you again tonight?" only to wake up at 10pm and notice our conversation gone. that broke me into silence after my mind was in chaos wondering how youd respond. i admit that was a shitty thing to do to me after treating me like the doll i was. but granted, im grateful you didnt block my number. i can still your body when i hit search.

ive decided i dont want to see you anymore online if you dont want to see me physically. ive blocked you on instagram as i found myself going back to your page. thats where i found out youre fucking 33 years old while im 24. that itself was maybe a red flag because how are you 3 decades and 3 years old but still not in a stable relationship, partaking in hookup culture, and focusing on building your body? oh. your body. your body. your body. how it held me and how much you sweated trying to please the both of us. fuck, was i too wild? how can i know i didnt do anything wrong if you deleted our whole conversation? was asking to see you again the wrong thing? you responded to the previous messages i sent you but that was the last straw for you? was that really a one time thing for us? after making sure i did everything right that night? i thought id made a good impression but fuck was i sorely mistaken.

i guess what ill have to say is a prayer to myself. i hope i get over you and that i get over you soon. i hate feeling like this even though i appreciate the pause im having from meeting other people. youve ruined that for me. i do hope i get over you soon truly. i do admit, thats going to be a very hard thing to do. i pray that thisll be the last time i meet a smoking hot person that doesnt want to meet me for another time. it sucks having to be left in the dark after making sure i was in a bright position with you. rejection still feels like a bitch at 24. but i just have to remind myself of what ive been saying to myself at 18-19, "what belongs will surely be mine. what belongs to me will surely come back to me." and hopefully, those who just used me, will get what they deserve.

greenishness

i'm thinking about charlotte brontë spending her last years editing and publishing her sisters' writings and about christopher tolkien dedicating his life to the protection and meticulous reconstruction his father's life's work and about johanna van gogh publishing the letters between vincent and theo that would propel vincent van gogh into fame because she knew how much her husband had loved his brother, and about how so often art isn't just a reflection of the artist's mind and skills but a testament to the fact that they were loved

suonko

by Theodor von der Beek

by Constantin Emile Meunier /detail/

by John Everett Millais /detail/

by Alexandre Cabanel /detail/

by Jean-Baptiste (James) Bertrand /detail/

also by Jean-Baptiste (James) Bertrand

lesbianslasherfilm

We’re trying to survive and find housing!

My fiancé and I are a homeless gay trans Latine couple and we are struggling to afford food and a place to stay. We’ve eaten little to no food every day this month and we’re exhausted from long nights awake, trying to make ends meet. We have been unable to pay most of our monthly bills including our phone bill which we haven’t been able to pay since early Fall and I know we’ll lose service soon.

We are in desperate need of assistance while we scramble to find work and housing. I’m hoping that when taxes come in, it will be enough to get us into a place but additional help might make the difference. Any assistance is appreciated and shares do help (If you yourself are struggling and don’t have the means, please do not feel any obligation to put yourself out for us).

Venmo: @Elsa-Leon-89

CashApp: $ElsaLeon

Zelle: [email protected]

(Unsolicited advice and hate will be ignored and blocked. If you can think of it, we’ve probably tried it already).