Rise Above The Ashes

The world hurt me enough to want to change it. College grad bum Me Letters to my little one

[abbsxg]

In casual conversation, 

you ask me what have I been up to since we last spoke/ saw each other

what I would say to not look like a psycho is

“i did the damn thing and got two degrees and now spending a gap year to focus on self-care and my writing”

but what i really want to say is

“up until 3 years ago, i was still crying about you. a year after that i stopped. and last year i was too sick to think about anybody else except me”

the god honest truth is that things have changed so much

how do i summarize that into a few sentences

and end with, how about you?

you’re a stranger and yet i still remember things about you when i can’t even remember what i was doing three years ago

how did six months change my life? how did that turn into five years?

[abbsxg]

Upon further analysis: This moment sucked. And I was so wrong. And I was really more in love with an idea of him rather than him as a person.

I am just sad that I was wrong about him. I really didn't want to be wrong but people will disappoint you. And he definitely did. And I'm okay now. He's but a silly little memory.

[abbsxg]

Hey again... many, many years later

Dear Andy,

I usually get that strike of inspiration from others or influential/ impactful times of my life.

For a very long time I didn't ever see myself living past the age 21/22. Then it became 25. And now at 27 I think I'm starting to see past the age 35.

Since I've lasted wrote to you, I've been on a new kid kick. But someone called out my fear. I'm truly afraid of disappointing you or creating an environment that makes you hate me. I'm afraid of not being able to give you the life I imagine you to have with a typical nuclear family with a mom, dad, and cat. I still imagine a life where I am so in love with your dad, and he loves me just a little bit more. He and I are the "cool" parents who are just a little bit eccentric and silly. We are normal. We fight. But we work through it. We live a comfortable life where we don't struggle with money. Your grandparents are weird and silly, but they love you so much. We are a progressive family and support your growth and privacy but protect you with reason. Even though I am well into my career, I still have time for you and your dreams and passions. I am afraid of not giving you this life.

At 23, I was working through my new diagnosis. I struggled with finding support and at this point, I knew I only had one real friend and all her friends became my friends but I didn't have any for myself. I was VERY lonely. I was starting to lose myself into the unknown that is my health. By that point, I had contemplated suicide and even needed an SOS call because I couldn't stand living. And even until now my mortality is something I don't take very seriously. Maybe you could even find entries of young me talking about how I could I ever consider suicide. It's gotten better. I promise.

I was aimless until I decided during the middle of the pandemic that it's time to leave. Being stuck at home and trying to go back to school but living at home is just not sustainable. I had decided if I don't leave now, then when?

So in October 2020, I moved to Houston, TX and I had a plan to start a new grad program because the first one I started just didn't fulfill me. I dreaded class but I loved work, even though I was working from a different time zone. I moved without applying to school yet but I was banking my future on getting into this new grad program. But I felt so confident and passionate about the work.

And with a time skip, I got my Masters! I think back to impactful times in my life that I needed some guidance and clarity in my life with my undergrad degrees. I remember meeting with Dr. Tracy and she laid it out on the table: AAS or Student Affairs. She said I seem to like student affairs more but like what the hell is even student affairs? I had only wished I asked more and wasn't so stubborn about getting a masters in Asian American Studies. I realized that I am solution-oriented. I am a "fixer" I need solutions or reasons for a problem but solving the problem or question is how I thrive. Everyone has said I don't take "No" for an answer, but I really always needed "No and this is why."

My life came full circle. I visited Houston/ UH in 2017 and thought it was a beautiful campus/union. I visited their LGBTQ/WGRC office and was so inspired by the space. I didn't think I would ever end up at UH getting my Masters, much less starting my professional career in the WGRC office. I'm grateful I was able to find my calling and purpose in this life. I think you know me well enough to know that I care so fiercely. I care about making the world much better than I left it. I care about my students and my friends, and the work I do fills my soul. And maybe one day you will see the passion I have and it'll help guide you in finding yourself and your passion earlier in life. And if not, we can always work towards it.

To get into the nitty gritty of why I am here:

I am at a crossroads in my life. I am currently back home in LA after I had packed up my things after I decided to bite the bullet and come home. It wasn't an easy decision, but I wasn't happy there anymore. I am so grateful for the people I have met and I miss them a lot. But my personal life sucked. And as much as I loved the work I was doing, it wasn't paying me enough. I loved every moment of my first job. I had an amazing boss and amazing colleagues. I had a great life. But I was waiting for the next opportunity and time ran out before the next opportunity came. So I'm back home. For now.

I'm waiting on my next opportunity to come. And whether it's in Boulder or Seattle, heck even LA, the world may never know. I honestly don't know yet either.

I don't have anything profound to say, especially in times of crossroads. I'm a little lost but that's okay. I'll figure it out. Everything will work itself out. And when it does, I will let you know.

Love,

Abby at 27

[abbsxg]

Rise Above The Ashes turned 10 today!

10 YEARS OF SAD GORL CONTENT 

[abbsxg]

In casual conversation, 

you ask me what have I been up to since we last spoke/ saw each other

what I would say to not look like a psycho is

“i did the damn thing and got two degrees and now spending a gap year to focus on self-care and my writing”

but what i really want to say is

“up until 3 years ago, i was still crying about you. a year after that i stopped. and last year i was too sick to think about anybody else except me”

the god honest truth is that things have changed so much

how do i summarize that into a few sentences

and end with, how about you?

you’re a stranger and yet i still remember things about you when i can’t even remember what i was doing three years ago

how did six months change my life? how did that turn into five years?

[abbsxg]

Open Letter to 18 Year-Old Me

Dear you,

I know you’re in a lot of pain. And you don’t have any answers.

I know you’re very spiteful and lonely. You want to feel wanted by someone, but at this age, everyone wants to feel wanted by someone, even if it’s just for a night. 

You only wanted him. Your eyes set out only for him. He was everything you ever wanted, but to you, that’s what you want for all eternity. He was perfect, but you didn’t understand that it was only you playing a game with your heart. 

He was nothing but a boy. Who didn’t know. Or wasn’t aware. He definitely wasn’t trying to fool you into falling in love with him. Or at least the idea of him. Who knows what his intention was, but I know your intention was to fall in love. Or to feel love. Or feel loved. 

What you don’t know is that things are gonna change. You don’t want those things anymore. It’ll eventually become something you laugh about, like how those expectations are so unreal, or for someone like your age. And sometimes, things are just coincidental.

You will see that you hold him to a much lower standard than you would any other man. And the only reason why is because you’ll do anything to get that chance with him.

He didn’t have a car. He still lived at home. He wasn’t going to school.

I can tell you, I would never date someone like that at this age. But because you were both young, it is fine to think that’s okay. 

But not at this age.

You will grow and realize that you never needed a man to feel whole. And that you have much more growing to do. You have so much work that needs to be done from more than just the outside of yourself or fulfilling an internal checklist. 

A lot of the time, I have to remind myself of the things I’ve wanted at 23-years-old. I still want more. For myself. For my dreams. That being fulfilled is but a lifelong journey. And you won’t settle. Especially not for a boy you don’t know that will have that same energy.

My dreams are much bigger and beyond myself. The standard for myself will fulfill you way more than you can imagine. You will take the world by storm with your story. And how you turned your pain into writing and activism. And your trauma will be sorted by thinking about you, and how you don’t know what is coming your way. 

I love you so much more because you are nothing but the sweetest and most innocent of memories. You are who I think about when I imagine a little sister. At this age, I want to make you proud. Proud to know how far you’ll go and it’s more than just a man. 

You think you love him, but I’m pretty sure you love yourself way more than you think you do. I’m telling you this because you want the world, and he won’t give that you to. Not at that age.

You think he’s a ghost after the way things ended, but he’s not. He’s alive and he’s doing fine. Life goes on after you and him. You’ll run into on the dating app you swore yourself never to go back to. But it’s just a coincidence. I don’t know what I want, but I want this never-ending story to you, be put to a close. I’ve spent the last five years, thinking of you and thinking about what you could do if you had the chance. 

But the truth is, I’m indecisive and my life is changing again. When things change, I’ll you know. 

Love,

Me, at 23.

[abbsxg]

how long have I asked myself, what would I say to him if given the chance

am i heartbroken over what ifs or the girl that created those happy fantasies?

was it all just in my head? in love with the story I created of him?

was what i felt love? 

and yet still, i dont know what i would say

brain mush

[abbsxg]

can I begin to explain... what’s it like to feel so warm and okay, and suddenly be overcome with a chill that only sadism could shake?

It feels like I’m looking at a mirror of my old self before she hurt herself by going through countless men in order to feel something remotely close to what I felt with him?

the face I was looking for in any crowd

finally staring back at me

on an online dating app

he no longer looks familiar

nothing but a distant memory

vengeful, shock, no longer feeling hurt

but the answers I was looking for are all there

it took five years, and I don’t feel the same anymore

thank god

i stopped holding my breath 

stopped looking in all corners 

the shaking has subsided

how can one person cause so much grief? only it was me

i hurt myself from the rejection and only hurt myself more to feel wanted 

all because he didn’t want me

i’m older now. i know better now.

five years later and i no longer think of him

not anymore with his picture looking back at me

[abbsxg]

I’m thankful for these kids because if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be passing Chem. Especially Eric, Juan helps. Occasionally ^___^

[abbsxg]

My friend passed away. This is the first time I’ve ever experienced a loss. He is a police officer and wanted to change the community, coming from the hood. He deserved so much more. The world and the community needed someone like Juan.

[abbsxg]

Dear Andy,

I’m sick. I mean I’ve always been sick. I just never knew I was sick. I also didn’t know how sick I was or how bad it was ever going to get, but here I am telling you all of it. I’m sick. I never knew how debilitating being sick could really get. But if you hear me say, “Don’t stress yourself out too much, it’s not worth getting sick over” OVER and OVER and OVER again, please don’t roll your eyes at me because you’re tired of hearing it. I don’t know if being on these pills and supplements means forever, but for now, I don’t know if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel as far as my recovery goes. 

I’ve disappeared from the internet for a long time. I’ll post once a month to prove I’m not dead but I might as well be. At least I felt like I wanted to be for a really long time. I feel like I’ve lost myself for such a long time and I couldn’t shake it. It became my new norm to feel not like myself. I haven’t felt like myself since before college. Since before I was raped. Since before anything and everything happened. But I’ve learned and grown a lot from it. Was it preventable? Of course. Did I need to go through it? Maybe. Could I have learned from example and not experience? Absolutely not. I’ve come to realize that it’s in human nature to learn from experience and not by example. No one truly knows what I was going through or knows what it feels like to be in my shoes. 

For so fucking long I’ve avoided this. I’ve avoided really acknowledging the truth behind my trauma and being sick. I only wanted to know as little as possible as take it as strength. But I know that suppressing my problems or make them worse. So if it seems like I’m overprotective and I don’t want you to learn the hard way, let me. But understand that I am not in control of you. And if you choose to learn the hard way, the only thing I’m able to do is to catch you when you fall. You’re gonna fall for different reasons, I just hope I’m the right person to help you learn from the fall and tend to your wounds.

I’ve been so sick. So absolutely fucking sick. And anxious. And afraid. And isolated. 

But I’ve been sober from two months, and without hard liquor for four months. I don’t know how much clarity it has really given me, but it helps. I’ve isolated myself and lost some friends along the way. I don’t fault anyone for not being capable of being there for someone that’s sick and suicidal. It’s A LOT to handle. But it also takes a set of maturity to be the shoulder someone needs. I thank my lucky stars I have a great friend that is absolutely understanding of being the shoulder I need. And I’ll do the same thing for her. Taking care of a sick person isn’t for everyone. And that’s okay. If there’s anything I’m grateful for because I’m sick, it’s that I’ve learned to strengthen the bonds I’ve built with the people most important in my life. 

The only thing I’m grateful for when it comes to this entire recovery journey is that now I know what it feels like to be myself again. I didn’t feel like writing to you which is really sad because I love writing to you. I love that one day you might learn from this and it might just add to me being a better mother and teacher. I’m no longer sad. And I no longer have the restraints and social pressure of being “cool” or “edgy” like I was in high school or middle school. I no longer have to hide my true self. I love her so much and I never realized how much I missed her until she was gone for so fucking long. I’m not afraid to be myself anymore because I’ve found people who love my true self in its rawest form. Being sick helped me find myself again but I’m sad that it takes five different medications and six different vitamins every single day. I’m glad I know what it feels like to be myself again and I hope it lasts for more than just a few months on medication.

So hello again my love. It’s great to be back.

[abbsxg]

Dear Andy,

It’s been a while since I really wrote to you. I don’t think I wrote to you when I just graduated but that's a thing. I started a podcast from this tag. At first, I didn’t think anyone would care. I also thought that people would think this is so weird because I’m writing stories to my future kid. But it’s working so I guess I’m just gonna go with it. I’m currently navigating wanting to see more days than I did earlier. For the last couple of months, I had thoughts of killing myself. I had all those thoughts when I wasn’t sober but I realized that I needed to stop. I needed to not feel sad and escape my sadness with alcohol and drugs. All I’ve ever done with weed and alcohol is escape the voids in my life when I entered adulthood. 

I’ve also been struggling with the idea that I am unlovable. Not the kind of loveable that is beloved by many as platonic ways, but the kind that wants extraordinary bright futures. The kind that drops everything at the hat. The kind that knows comfort and knows what to say when I’m crying about the crap content I see on the internet about survivors. The kind that you see in movies, and the internet, and all over the world. I’ve come to accept that this is a part of me. There’s a part that never wants it. Apart that refuses to experience and dive so deep and willing into it. We already know what happened the last time I had feelings. And the last time I had feelings, I thought about jumping in front of a car because I refused to watch my feelings have feelings for someone else. I think that I’m not ready and I don’t know or think I’ll ever be in the near future.

Right now, I’m trying to get it all back on track. Get myself focused on getting back to school. And moving on with my life. I’ve finished my end of the Title IX process. I might be crushed when I get the results or I might be happy. I don’t know. I don’t want to think about it right now because it’s 5:54 AM and the only reason why I haven’t slept or bothered to try and sleep is that I need to check in for my flight tomorrow. I’m going to Texas! I won a contest and your uncle Bryan is coming along with me. Your grandparents refused to let me go with anyone else because of my safety. I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know what’s going to happen but I’m excited! I can’t wait to tell you all about it. 

After I quit smoking and drinking hard liquor to forget, I have some clarity again. I’m also relieved that I no longer have to deal with this case. I’m just glad that a part of my depression has been resolved for now. I know that this feeling comes in waves. I know that I’m not going to feel 100%, but it’s perfectly fine to have moments. I just left a really dark moment in my life, but now I’m heading into a new one that’s already so bright that I can’t contain it. I feel a lot better and happier than I felt at the beginning of summer. There’s also so much I haven’t told you about yet but in time I will. 

[throwbackblr]

Me watching my mom talk shit about me over the phone

[lovelynervouschaos]

Then got the nerve to ask why I got an attitude or fix my face. Why i dont tell her nothing cuase she run her mouth to damn much

[jo-zee-deactivated20200619]

Getting a new follower and finding out they’re a terf is kind of like getting a new follower only to realize it’s a porn bot, but a thousand times worse.

Porn bots don’t give a fuck about my content or who I am, but this terf actually scrolled through my blog and thought, “yes, this is a person whose opinions I’d like to see more of.” It makes me feel super fucking gross and that I’m probably not doing enough to support trans women.

So just for the record: trans women are women. The existence of trans women does not detract from my womanhood or the womanhood of anybody else. This is not a blog for people who believe otherwise. Take your transphobia elsewhere.

And, to my followers: please help me stay accountable. If I reblog something that marginalizes trans people (or sex workers or POC or anyone else), please let me know so that I can make amends.

[formaldehyde--face]

PSA if you’re a terf and you follow me please just … don’t. Thanks.

[abbsxg]

Dear Andy,

I started a podcast based on the tag for you. Maybe I’ve gotten lazy to keep writing and just leaving something for you. Take a listen two of my podcast dedicated to you.

Love,

Me

[sharkboxes]

[wayblackwhen]

Sean Paul - Get Busy

[abbsxg]

As an adult, I realized that people in your life pretend that their own thoughts are so profound on the internet, but it’s only because your ass told them that shit

[yangyexin]

I rewatched Mulan and did some doodles…