Odd to be typing after session #4. I havenât told you anything about #1-3. Just know this;
I have tried therapy a few times. My first therapist was when I was young, nearly too young to remember. I had told my mom in the 4th grade that I wanted to kill myself.Â
Donât worry. I didnât know what it really meant. I thought that it just meant that Iâd get a ârestartâ. I knew that the restart would be a new life, maybe a new family, a new chance to make the ârightâ decisions. I had done the thing every Disney movie told me not to do; blame myself for the divorce. I was an âaccidentâ, so my dad told me at 8 years old. Unplanned, but donât worry; my Dad didnât spoil anything. I knew that I was an after thought. I could just tell.Â
âDid we remember to do that for Abby?â
These were things I had heard my whole life up to that point. Not surprising being the youngest of 4. Something else was present though, this energy my parents had around me. Sometimes it was a thankful energy; like, âOh, Abby. Thank you. Youâre so cute.â, or âAbby, I canât imagine life without youâ. But other times, âAbby, catch upâ, or âAbby, Iâm too old for thisâ. Even the thankful energy felt thankful out of surprise. It a wonder why I crave attention now.Â
So when my parentâs marriage started falling apart, it was clear who would sense it first. They sent me to a therapist, because my panic attacks and anxiety during the initial separation was beginning to become a problem.Â
I remember doing some puzzles, answering questions in the way I imagined the therapist would like me to answer. I have ALWAYS been eager to please. I was released from my sessions with an âGood to Goâ.Â
It was college when I tried it on my own for the first time. I lied and said my therapy lasted through middle school. Iâve always wanted to appear more experienced. I relayed âMy Storyâ to Dr. Bean. My Dad is like this. My mom is like this. My siblings are like this. My friends are like this.
After an hour of time, when I thought I had provided a concise and thorough âMy Storyâ. Dr. Bean asked me this.Â
âBut what about Abby?â
And in Therapy session #3, two therapists later, I finally talked about Abby.Â
Abby takes care of people she loves, sometimes too attentively.Â
Abby is scared of a lot of things, but mostly, sheâs scared of feeling left behind; or sometimes left ahead somehow.Â
Abby will love herself through anything, even though its really hard to like herself most of the time.
Abby will self sabotage for the sake of being safe.Â
Abby is worried sheâs not âhereâ enough. She floats. Which makes it easy to pour herself into a keyboard, but not into other people. I imagine myself in the peripheral; it makes it easier when Iâm feeling something that could be identified as âweakâ.Â
I carry a lot from my childhood with me, as everyone does. We are made from beliefs we learn from our environment, which dictate our attitudes. Which dictate our feelings, which dictate our decisions. I got that from a book. Iâm learning. Â
Therapy session #4 was bland. But a comfortable bland. Dr. Don and I talked about some old feelings I was able to acknowledge and overcome on my own. We talked about my business plan for the future. And we talked about blame. I give myself too much blame. And I do it because its easier that accusing someone, whom I love, of not being âfairâ. So he forgave me for a few things that I have held onto. Which felt better than I could have imagined.Â
Im looking forward to Session #5
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