I am writing this to tell you how I feel. NOT OUT OF DISRESPECT. When I tell you how I feel now, it always ends in a fight about how disrespectful and irresponsible I am. I am hoping this helps and makes things better.
Lately Iâve felt like I mean absolutely nothing to you. I feel like dirt, a little speck of dirt. I feel so unappreciated about everything. The stress and responsibility you two place on me is so overwhelming. The last two weeks have been really hard for me. Cleaning the house, packing, watching Dominic, working, Hannah. Everything. When I cleaned the house on Monday for 4/5 hours, I had to say something for you to acknowledge how much I did. I had to basically ask for a âthank youâ. Thatâs not how it should be..
The other day, Mom, when you told me you talked to Tonya about the Jaycee Lee Dugard thing and she said the hardest part was her mom walking out without the kiss goodbye. You said, âYeah, I couldânt imagine walking out without giving Dominic a kiss goodbye and having him kidnapped.â Really mom? Really? You donât realize how hurtful the things you two say can be. That made me feel like I am nothing to you. You wouldnât care if you gave me my last kiss goodbye. You wouldnât care if I got kidnapped. You wouldnât care.
I moved here because I thought it would be better for me. For my education, and for my teenaged years. I thought maybe I would be noticed and not ignored. I am not saying I want to move back to dads, because we all know I donât want that at all. The only thing you guys pay attention to is when I do something wrong, which apparently is all the time. I donât feel like im good enough. I will never, ever, meet your expectations. School isnât good enough, work isnât good enough, my cleaning isnât good enough.
John, when you tell me I am turning out just like my sister, that honestly makes me so mad and hurt. I have learned from her mistakes. I know not to go down her path. Donât make your little comments about how âoh thatâs what Chelsea did. Youâre exactly like her.â Donât compare me to my sister. Chelsea and I are two totally different people. I am not like her, and I never will be. You arenât like Mary, and you donât like being compared to her. Do you? Even now, when your parents say âoh well Mary this and Mary that, and she does this and so should you.â You hate that. Or when they compare the kids, you hate that too.
Again, I am not writing this out of disrespect. I am writing this in hopes of a change. I am writing this to show you how I hurt, and how I just want to be noticed, for the good things. I am writing this to show you how much I DO care, and how much you guys mean to me. If I didnât care I wouldnât be so offended and hurt by the littlest things you say or do. Â
Last night when I got introuble for being late, you both said the most hurtful thing to me. There is nothing more hurtful then telling your kid they deserved being in a roll over car accident. There is nothing more hurtful than saying it was my fault, because I am irresponsible. You both donât understand how mentally screwed up I still am from that. I think about it every single day. Multiple times a day, every time I get into my car. Every day I wake up and thank God for protecting us that day. Sure nothing major physically happened to me, but you donât understand how I truly feel.
Last night you told me how disrespectful I am, and how I treat you both like youâre dumb. If I was so disrespectful I wouldnât: clean the house every day, watch Dominic, help you make dinner. I get shit every single day, from you two and from my friends. I am Mom Number 2. I am Wife Number 2. I tell my friends I canât hangout because you two need me. Need me for whatever reason that maybe at the time. Monday before Ang and Suzie came over Ang called me and asked what I was doing and if I could meet her and Suzie for lunch. I said no I had to finish cleaning. She laughed and said, cant you just take time out off from being Mom? Cant you just have fun? I paused and didnât know what to say. I am Mom. I do so much for Dominic. I am wife. To both of you. I clean, and stop what I am doing to tend to your needs. Mom, you used to be mad when John would ask you to do stuff for him when you were in the middle of something. Well, youre doing it too.
Lately I havnât been myself. I am not as happy. I feel sick all of the time. I tell you these things and you donât even take the time to listen. My medicine dosage is too much I think. Mom I told you what Mr and Mrs Bucc said about me not being myself. I was trying to tell you I think my medicine is screwing me up. But you didnât take the time to listen. Or pay attention.
Another thing, when I ask for help, with anything, I need it. With school for instance, I would ask for both of youre help and you wouldnât even bother until it was too late. Until Dominic was sleeping. By that time I am tired and donât even want it. I am your child too. Same for you John, I am your child too. Like you are my father.
I donât want you to think I am bashing you, in any way. I am trying to make you realize. I do love you guys, with all of my heart. I would do anything for you. I do do anything for you. I just donât feel like youd feel the same for me.
I want you to read this and confront me in a loving manor. I donât want to fight about it. I am absolutely sick of fighting. I want you to read this and want to change. You guys need me, like I need you.
I love you both so much, I want things to get better
discoholicmusic
jbbartram-illu
origamiaround
turnnoffyourmind
baratheonpilled
kaledo-art
ellievsbear
blakekathryn
titsay
areudirty
romaincrisis
