i’m at this weird place in my life where i choose not to be financially independent in order to pay off six thousand dollars in six months- a loan from my mother to buy a new car since i got into a major car accident last year. i’m also at this place in my life where i have to choose between med school or the arts, because i certainly can’t do both. i’m at this place in my life where i feel like i have nothing and everything- there are so many options to choose from that i feel like every breath i take i’m getting closer and closer to drowning. i can feel in my chest that my doctor needs to up my medication, probably at least two to three more times, which will put me at what is medically considered a “high dose” and i think that puts me in the “you’re really fucked up and seriously depressed” category, but i’ve known this all along. in january i got a dog who is snuggly and warm, and it feels like she’s my only friend. that’s ok for now though, i think. yesterday i bought a new pillow that is so comfortable i might buy another. it’s pink and squishy and i’m afraid my dog will chew it up, because she does that sometimes. finals are two weeks from now and i can’t wait to be done with the semester. i am so tired all the time, going back and forth between Mary Had A Little Lamb and psychology homework is a weird kind of exhaustion. death doesn’t feel so close lately...that’s a nice feeling, for once. i can feel the sadness weighing on my shoulders though, no massage will get it to leave. it’s been eleven months and i’m still not even close to where i need to be- to home.
