aboutennui

wonderlost and full of words

[aboutennui]

Unfolding from broken rest by early grey morning

A rest of rhythmic dark speckled by tiny flashes of light

A visual ‘standby’ message seen behind closed eyes

No dreams other than faces moving and heads turning

Just enough to stay aware of myself in a room

And a solemn feeling of losing somebody holds still

In the waking world this turns to grieving somebody already lost

A recognition of foolishness and dead embers

More grey than morning and heavier than nothingness

Just enough to finally give up

[aboutennui]

I believe I’ve lived in this world before

Camping beneath distorted stars when they were younger

Not by much, but enough for human life to fold and repeat over

Perhaps a hundred times

Or maybe just twice

She was female, she had no money

The apartment had no heating, she lived in cold

Like me she bruised easily, I don’t think she ate well

And I can still feel the drumming from her soul

A melancholy left over from her short life

Maybe she was a mother

Maybe she had a sister

She sounded lonely

She feels familiar

[aboutennui]

Time waits for no one

A warrior in its wake

Destruction of mankind waits

It’s not relative

Just repetitive and inherited

It reminds us of all the things we’ve never done

Time waits for no one

The sky is falling in slow motion and I feel like I’m the only one who’s noticed

The apocalyptic lotus

Unfolding forever until forever is dark enough

And I’ll see you at the end of all things and I can’t wait

For the penny to drop

As the earth falls inward

Crushing all the hurt that I can’t stop

Illuminated

Fevered mind, my third eye’s blind

Talking in my sleep having hellish dreams Of a red sky and mushroom cloud

And a man with no face sewing up my mouth

Time waits for no one

Take a bullet for God’s sake

Destruction of mankind waits

It’s not relative

Just competitive and unmerited

It reminds us of all the things we’ve never done

Time is an omen

Oh time waits for no one

November 19, 2020

[aboutennui]

Looking out into the sea

The grey was amplified by words I could not speak

With no one standing here with me

Fear crept in like an immeasurable beast

All the questions, all the ‘what if’s’ that will face

Morning comes, but night is long without embrace

So I dive in all alone

Nothing but the dark destroyer thrashing me in place

And I’ve been here once before

Heavy eyelids drag me through the ocean floor

Too much numbness, too much feeling I conclude

The child behind the storm inside us broods

November 6, 2020

[aboutennui]

I Almost Didn’t Ruin It

And I listen through the rain

To what the man says on my tv

“The tornado hit again”

How have I been so unfeeling?

And the handful of your shirt

Feels like fire in my fingers

But you keep me burning there

Are you wanting me to stay?

When you’re holding both my arms

I think I’m falling into sleep

There’s a vulture far away

And it circles me with meaning

Still my heart wants me to stay

I suppose I may be dreaming

But I’ll stay here for a while

On the cracked dirt of this nowhere

Just to see if I’ll be well

And if this has some sort of being

Through the drumming I can’t tell

If it’s mine or your heart beating

August 16, 2020

[jasongrabowski-deactivated20220]

a knack for it

how hard could it be

I wondered

to convince the world

that I am

but a stupid little shit

that don’t know nothin’

about nothin’

[aboutennui]

Holding out my lost barrette

I liked you most the first time around

And payed the price in staying red

Now I sleep with young regret

Recycling words you spoke in my head

Freight trains still rock through my mind

Pretending you didn’t say them instead

Hoping that your feelings are dead

Can we switch it off and begin again

I’ll never know the strength of your mouth

‘Cause I threw it out and I called it in

And I wish you both the best

[aboutennui]

I try not to be like my mother

Unlucky and beaten down

Lethargic and idle

No routines, no fortune, no Valhalla

I try to fill out my shell

I try not to look like her

Instead I look like my father

Front on, round-faced and thoughtful

I wear the sharp jaw of he and his father

And his father before him

Neutral light and neutral mind

I am just like him

I grew into myself, too

My own person to resemble

With my own face and my own mind

I faced moulds and broke cycles

I grew thorns and I grew flowers

I am like nobody I’ve met before

But in the tired kitchen light

With my face turned down

Jaw softened

Nose defined

With my hair tied back and love in my eyes

I look just like her

[edenmuses]

Of woe, of unease

I fell gently

a splintered mirror

pining for the merest

residue of clarity

to awaken

my earnest heart

I wrote road maps

throughout my years

within my mind

until I asked them

to visit the sun

I ask questions

of the night

of the void

and I know every answer

that I cannot grasp

I lie stricken

my lungs do not obey

reaching across

my endless white sheets

folding myself away

[edenmuses]

Bits and pieces

Zip me into

My own skin

With restless seams

Humming with pressure

A hive of bees

Buzz inside

My chest cavity

Seeking reprieve

It's then I'll see

With unresolved

And wide eyed wonder

Into a unprepped mind

Flashes of colours

So different in hue

Paint a smile on my face

As I think of you

[edenmuses]

Rainbow

Folding my vocabulary

Inside my copper suitcase

Flitting through the spaces

That reside between places

Noting yellow dandelions

Peppered along the bitchumen

Caressing the clouds

Dragging fingertips through

The silky undertones of

Citrus notes

Dabbling in the rays

Passing through

Eons of time

[edenmuses]

All at once

my body wears

an incessant mind

on crumbling shoulders

a film of apathy

enshrouds my brow

as melancholy dances

with my eyes

it's turbulence

grimaces that ripple

throughout the years

the time that I wear

on my lips

where has it gone?

my watering can...

I lent it to a

green-clad girl

who wears an

incessant mind

on peaceful breaths

floating from

rigid shoulders

[aboutennui]

Searchlights land in sacred places

Secrets spilled to vacant faces

Tripping into arid timelines

Cycles turned routine

Catching, dropping, unrelenting

Tired, boring and lamenting

Vapid life of someone who was

Lost before their teens

Tried and tested thousands over

No one needs a four leaf clover

Plucked to find their one and only

Still I feel unseen

Paint me in a scarlet sunrise

Morbid beauty yet to reprise

Torpid, tepid greyish blue eyes

Bury me in green

[edenmuses]

For Jess

I could dance inside your soul

Barefoot amongst the soft grasses

Guarding the ventricles of your heart

I would watch the birds flitting

Through your melodic green veins

Carrying the sombre poems of the day

I will search amongst the trellises

Where soft flowers spend their time

Yearning to capture a flash of your blue eyes

It's then I will find you sitting there

With a crown of vines circling your hair

Sitting down for a well-earned rest,

As towards the ocean, we stare.

[aboutennui]

Plenty of fish in the sea...

Hold fast tiny falcon

Nature sheds no doubt

Reef up high a faltered catch

And drop your silver trout

Parry through the updraft

Soar out past the quay

Take your aim and snatch

A better fish out of the sea

[aboutennui]

Memories of the small girl I could still be

Sharing visions that stilled me

Where’s my mind? Open and wide

Where is my mind? I can’t decide

I review my sense of youth on a dead end

Quiet old street, orange leaves under feet

Guiding me through street lamps I can hear you

Give anything to be near you

What is this light? Blinding and white

What is this light I have inside?

And still I’m rattled by the news of a dead end

Boring old town, I miss when you were around

Clarity is wasted on the loved ones

The “came to me from above” ones

What is this hole I have inside?

What is this hole? I can’t decide

So I cut my arm in two with the blunt end

Rusty old knife, and a river of strife

Born of fire warm and irritated

Though the heart is belated

Where is the guide I left behind?

Who’s is this eye I’ve been assigned?

Vanishing I leave my shoes on the dead end

Wild at my core, running on all fours

[aboutennui]

Almost

He was a yellow balloon on the glass ceiling of a museum

And I was a curious onlooker

He was a turtle dove

And I was just a pigeon

He was the rain on a still afternoon

And I was the small breeze that interrupted it

He liked poetry

And I did too

We were always in orbit

But never collided

And I wonder if he misses missing me

Because I miss missing him