about her mind

accueillir mon amour, to the place i speak my mind through writing.

[abouthermind]

you wont get to take my innocence away from my soul even when the world lost its own

[abouthermind]

how anxiety is to me

What should i do? Who do i talk to? Where is everyone when i need them? I don't want to be alive anymore. I dont ask to be existed in the first place. Why can’t i just be invisible.

Having anxiety attacks is the worst. It doesn’t happen that often, and last night was the third time i had anxiety attack in my whole life. Past few weeks have been tough and stressful and thinking about upcoming weeks and all the work is stressing me out. I realised i have no time to do everything all at once. I started to panic. I told mum that im stressed out and she said “relax la” as if saying such thing will help me overcome my stress. I made a cup of nescafe and went to my room, after a few sips of nescafe i started crying (ps: caffeine is an anxiety trigger) and i can’t stop crying for an hour. At first i was convince that i was crying because of all the work due until i start to overthink; how i don't have anyone to talk to and realise i actually don't have any friends who i can trust with my anxiety attacks. I feel so embarrassed to seek any of my friends help. I was afraid that they might think im overreacting. I started crying even more thinking that Im such a useless shit because i don’t have any real friends. I feel so alone, i don't deserve anyone. I feel like a crap because im on my period and i cant cry to god in my prayers. I started to question my dreams, started questioning my existence. How easier it feels like to die and leave all the burden behind. I don't tell anyone about my anxiety, not ever. I try to write it down hoping that someone will read and care, even though i know no one will.

This kind of loneliness is the worst. The worst that make you question your self-worth. The kind that make you feel like you’re the worst person ever lived. The kind that make you feel like you’re better off dead.

[abouthermind]

14 Things I Learned in 2014

Stop trying so hard to fit in. Stop trying to be someone you’re not just so people could like you. Being in the same social circle, having the same social status like everyone else don’t necessarily make you happy. Happiness comes from within you. 

Learn to have opinions. Don’t be a neutralist. Never limit yourself from thinking and arguing about things and stuffs. Never be afraid of your thoughts, be afraid of not knowing instead. 

Women = Men NOT Women > Men. Liberal feminism was a huge trend (still is). Feminism in Islam exists and i believe it is more logical and convincing.

Changing to adapt is okay. We’re humans, we’re survivors. We adapt and we grow (emotionally, intellectually) and i believe we become a better person by tolerating.

Its okay to fail more than once, its not okay to give up. Keep trying. My lecturer once said; “know that all your hard work will pay off, its just a matter of soon or later.” 

Lower your ego. When you develop your thoughts and opinions, try to look for people and talk about it, reach out to people who know and experience more than you are. Listen to them, rethink your opinions, even if its contradict to your beliefs, lower your ego, and accept the knowledge that’s given. Thats how you learn life.

2014 has been all about Instagram. I reach my first 1K followers on my account before i decided to delete that account. I just feel like I'm faking myself just so i could look cool to my 1k followers which I'm sure 900 of them don’t know me in real life. I learnt that life is not an instagram. When i follow the norm and its a trend, just like everyone else, i know that i am losing myself to the society and to mediocre beliefs. I know i am more than just that. 

Its okay to cut off people who downgrade you and make you feel less worthy. You are worth it. Believe me. All you need is people who would encourage you to follow your dreams and keep doing what you love to do. 

Do not be afraid of what other’s might think of you. You’re not inferior to other’s thoughts on you. What they think of you might be right but most importantly they are not you and their assumptions can be wrong in all possible way. Only you know who you really are, even if you’re not being you, you’ll know.

Do not chase after relationship. For as long i am not ready to take all the risk love have to offer, I won’t, and if people tell you’re being too choosy, tell them you have all the rights to be.

Let yourself be free to think and try new things. Don’t limit yourself with fears. Fear is just an illusion of what people tells you what might happened if you fail. Fail doesn't mean its the end of your world. 

Being alone is not the same with being lonely. Not everyone have the ability to enjoy solitude. I am proud that i can be happy even when I'm alone, i am independent. I don't always need a company to make me feel good.

The bigger the risk, the bigger the return. This is something that i learnt in Financial Management class. I think it works in life as well. 

Age doesn't define maturity, your behaviour does. I met so many people in 2014, and it taught me that i cant expect everyone to act according to their age, because again, age doesn’t define maturity. 

[abouthermind]

i look into your eyes as you speak and listen to you thinking how much you want to crash and burn me from the back of your mind and i love you anyway with all the hate i able to content

[abouthermind]

I promised myself to edit this once im done with my finals, andddd here it is. Sorry for the melancholy feels, Japan has always feel that way too me, so i recreated the same feeling for my video. Video was taken during Spring 2012. In multiple places around Japan and Sakura park.

Music: Holocene, Bon Iver

[abouthermind]

all the things i learn about you

You are a chameleon soul, you are indefinable, you are you in your own strange way and you are you in everyone else’s mind, you are visible to some more than you aren’t to most, certainly you are unforgettable to me. You stand on your own you live on your own, you value your beliefs and listen to other’s, not judging, not inferring, just listen. You learned how to love things you hate doing alone, you learned how to overcome your fears and become braver than you are before, you learned too much with being alone with your thoughts. You’re independent, you’re smart and with the right amount of humour, you are witty when you want to be, you’re just perfect to me. You stuck in seeing good and evil, always believing in the kindness of a stranger, you’re afraid of losing yourself more than you’re afraid of not finding the one, the idea of becoming someone you’re not scares you more than being alone, you hate hating because you love love so deeply.

You’re just an idea that never meant to be real, couldn’t possibly be real.

[abouthermind]

[abouthermind]

[abouthermind]

Just know that i do

When you don't want to sleep at night because it's easier to be you when there's no one else around, When social strata's over analysis makes every second spent in company bitter-sweet, When your faith in the ability of life to engage you has dwindled, and you're grasping at synaptic wisps of sights past, wishing the real world to be wild as your childhood's perception had once so brilliantly been, When once you felt purpose and ethical order, yet now foresee only the wandering through godless steel jungles all brimming with morons, When morons are hypocrites who all hate hypocrisy, and they call you a sham just for changing your mind, When everything embodies its opposite, and you're stuck in a world still seeing in good and evil, When nothing is pure anymore, because everyone's got their own negative opinion, When most of your thoughts contradict in a clash of deposited and supposed ideals, gleaned from textbooks and memories and pandering culture, When no one can find you Polaris or Lyra, but every one knows well the sensible one's Vinny, When something good's meant to come out when you write but the dirtball you live on dulls even your thoughts, When you can share enjoyment with none but your body, and even that grows ever more tedious and repetitive, and you feel like your thoughts are beginning to meld into one broken record that has no appropriate audience... When you're starting to think that it's all really pointless since you can't quite relate with the people around you and the billboards outnumber the conifers in this country but your major succeeds due to one word and that's "advertising" and you're not sure if you're okay with the prospect of joining the autonomous collective but you're already in half-way and the water is cold but they say you'll warm up to it and more than anything you're afraid you might go the next seventy years without meeting someone in the world who thinks like you do...

Just know that I do. I think like you.

- written by RyaNFP (youtube)

just sharing my favourite poem from soft-spoken poetry video on youtube, i read this everyday still.

[abouthermind]

you came in my dream last night only to remind me of how much you love me

I dreamt of you last night, it still is a vivid memory to me, and i don't know how long i'll remember this so i write this down so whenever im about to  loose hope in you i have the reasons to keep standing.

It was just the two of us. It was funny and odd how i feel so comfortable with you even though it was our first time. As if we are so certain with our feelings. As if we know we never gonna leave each other. As if the end belongs to us. It was surreal because it is, i didn't tell that to myself when I'm with you because i wouldn't know if it was just a dream, I can never differ reality and dream when im with you. I remember reaching out for your hands that night, letting all the guards i’ve built all this years, for you.., and you didn't let go, as if you were expecting it, as if you know how clingy and needy i am capable of. No one knows that side of me, no one, because i never did show and wanted to be that way with anyone before. The way i rest my head on your shoulders, and it fits so perfectly, as if you were made [just] for me. The way your voice and hums make me feel calm and soothe. The way i asked you too many silly questions and you answer with a smile and your eyes so deep always fixing at me. I always wanted to be with someone who talks with his actions, because i know you’ll listen when no one else won’t, because love to me doesn't have to be loud and known, it just have to be warm and cozy. It just have to feel homely. I want to be able to be with you doing nothing and feels like we’re doing everything. Im glad that you came, and remind me to never give up to believe in you when i was verge to do it.., because you promised you won't.

[abouthermind]

i just recently got a new laptop (throws confetti cuz finally!!), so i'll be writing more (on god's will) i hope to improve my idiotic essays, i feel shameful of them. Anyway, i just transferred few of my photos from my trip to Japan years ago. I'll post more photos when im done with my mid terms. Wish me luck! x

[abouthermind]

interweb

As i write this down in my bed, under my fluffy soft warmy comforter mom bought me a year ago, this thing has been; where my scary nightmares are, and where i sleep my stress away, and where i hide my anxieties. This comforter is my personal metaphor. It comforts me like the name its given as if it mocks me. “Hey i am your ‘comforter’ oh the irony of it”. No matter how scared i am with my own thoughts and the terrifying reality people has been talking about, this is the only place that makes me feel comfortable in all entire world. No matter how tired i am with everything, i know i’ll come back to my ‘comfort’ zone (under my fluffy soft warmy comforter).

While the reality i live in now is based online, and nothing but what the social medias portrays. My generation has come to this shallow minded, low sense of logic, living the spoon-feed life, idolising shitty famous people who contribute nothing to the community except for having pretty face or rich dad. When touching dogs became a national problem, while there’s hundreds and thousands of homeless people still. When you can sign up for other knowledge-worthy educational program but you choose to waste time. When we bad-mouthed and downgraded our own race, have you not look in your own reflection, you eat and sleep and breathe in the blood of a melayu, yet you did nothing to educate our society? Know that when you mock your race, you are mocking yourself. When all the teens ever care about is material things, what all they wanted is to be cool (by all means be like everyone else). So afraid to be yourself and to set yourself free. So afraid to have your own opinions. So afraid of the truth. So afraid to think different than anybody else. Most importantly, so afraid of getting judged by society.

Reasons i left instagram is partly because of this. I was battling with myself; to do as what i strongly believe in or to do as what society wanted me to. So i choose to leave, because i wanted to prove to myself that the number on my followers won't keep me from leaving. Because i wasn't happy in the first place. Funny isn't it? Photography is one of the things i enjoy doing but i wasn't happy. Its the society on instagram is what im sick of. I felt suffocated, i see people compete on instagram everyday. Yet i keep things to myself. I am sentimental (and a little more personal). What you will possibly argues is: Nothing is wrong about it, that's what instagram is for. I say; different people has different values. Question: So what is your values? Do you applicate it in your life?

The only thing i can hold on to is my beliefs and for as long as i can, i will stay true to myself. 

[abouthermind]

when love do bad things to people i treasure the most some times i wish it (love) never ever exist

[abouthermind]

(sometime) i feel too much and my heart is going to explode

How ironic it is to feel so numb after going through a hundred kinds of emotions. Emotions that i can’t rather clue it myself. At times, i keep having this feeling again and again, and every time it comes yet again i fail to hold on to it. I let it slip through my fingers. I let it run wild and free in my head. I let it harm my body like a toxic waste. Deform me into somebody i don’t recognise anymore. 

Isn’t it sad when you loose yourself and you’re completely not entirely conscious when it happened? You feel like you cant do anything about it when the fact is that you can, but you know well yourself you won’t. Because this is your only escape from reality. To forget your burden even if its momentary. Even if its wrong to blame your responsibilities over your dying passion. When what people want you to be is not what you imagine yourself when you were younger. Even when you can’t remember the first time you replace your dreams over materialistic goals. Goals that people tell you that its good for you. What do they meant by “good”? When the “good” they perceived is what destroys you inside.

This feelings that i urge to feel more than often, infuriates me in all possible way. This feelings i think; how easy it is if we could identify them and classify it in boxes, orderly in organised manner. So that when we feel a certain feeling we know how to deal with it so we don't go apeshit crazy again. So we don't start losing ourself every single time it happened. Because I am not capable of writing down my feelings all the time. Because some times, words fail you when words matter most. 

[abouthermind]

about writing

"A poet is somebody who feels, and who expresses his feelings through words. A lot of people think or believe or know they feel but that’s thinking or believing or knowing: not feeling. And poetry is feeling- not knowing or believing or thinking. Almost anybody can learn to think or to believe or know, but not a single human being can be taught how to feel. Why? Because whenever you think or you believe or you know, you’re a lot of other people; but the moment you feel, you’re nobody but yourself" - A poet’s Advice, E.E. Cummings

and so i made a promise to myself that i will (try to) write; what i feel that day, anything that surfaced on my mind while i drive (usually), how i feel about something, anything that’s thought provoking to me, i’ll try to write it down on my go-to notebook, and if there’s time i’ll post it here. With this i hope 1. to learn and explore my mind; and different ways/scenarios to express what i feel by words, 2. to improve myself by widen my vocabulary and story-telling/paragraphing skills, 3. to push my imagination further and forward.

By writing, i hope to challenge my mind to think critically, and to be a better person i have to do it myself. In the mean time, i’m reading two poetry books, so i could learn how these poets write their feelings and try to understand the metaphor (all by myself yea right) in my own perspective and level of understanding literal stuffs, the books im reading are by a young American poet (on previous post) and another one is from our local poet, Wani Ardy. I know i should start with the famous poets but i swear classic poetry books are damn expensive, ill get my hands on them one day or break my bank account for that soon, either way. Cheers to exploring another side of me! :-)

[abouthermind]

untitled i

some nights, bother you too much you can’t fall asleep.

some nights, you just don’t give any fuck at all

those nights are confused just as you are.

[abouthermind]

To Start Again

start writing again,

start photographs again,

start doing what i love and feel self contented,

start loving what i must do for i can’t dispose it away,

start trying to be positive in everything even when what i want is not what i get,

start being realistic and less an idealist for it hurts my soul when my life doesnt stay on the line i favor

start accepting people as who they are even when they are at their worst

start accepting myself even when I’m not as perfect as i wanted to be

start living as if I’m travelling to a strange place, where other people’s thoughts and feeling is unknown.

even when reality is not the way i expect it to be,

― start living.