wonderwall

About You. La mia continua lotta per liberare i pensieri che non riesco a verbalizzare.

[aboutyouforyou]

March 29, 2017

I’m sad and disappointed how this turned out. This is not the direction I wanted to be at.

I’m a sentimental fool. Everything here specially the ones I personally posted and wrote is something I would want to keep as long as I could. After all, it is all my feelings. Whatever its content or even if I don’t share the same sentiments anymore, rereading once in a while gives me that kind of nostalgia. It serves as a reminder of my old self.

But as I see it, this lost its purpose. Truth is, I have so much to say but as days goes by, most of it just either keep ending up on my drafts or being deleted. I’m not a vocal person. This place is the only outlet I have when it’s too much inside my head, when I can’t personally tell the person or when I can’t verbally share my thoughts. Now I’m not even sure if I am writing/posting for the right reason anymore. All I know is it does not help me feel better as before. I’m drowning in my own words.

So whoever You are, You are either lucky or unfortunate enough to have read some of my personal thoughts. Sorry. Thank You.

And,

I want You to know as soon as I find the courage - I’m going to let this one go or never look back and let this be a piece of token of what I once had.

I hope we all find peace and love we deserve.

J

[aboutyouforyou]

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, ‘The night is starry and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.’

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I loved him, and sometimes he loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held him in my arms. I kissed him again and again under the endless sky.

He loved me, sometimes I loved him too. How could one not love him great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines. To think that I do not have him. To feel that I have lost him.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without him. And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep him. The night is starry and he is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost him.

My sight tries to find him as though to bring him closer My heart looks for him, and he is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees. We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love him, that’s certain, but how I loved him. My voice tried to find the wind to touch him hearing.

Another’s. He will be another’s. As he was before my kisses. His voice, his bright body. His infinite eyes.

I no longer love him, that’s certain, but maybe I love him. Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held him in my arms my soul is not satisfied that it has lost him.

Though this be the last pain that he makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for him.

Pablo Neruda

[aboutyouforyou]

Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were a salt rose, or topaz or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; So I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Pablo Neruda

[aboutyouforyou]

One more day...

[aboutyouforyou]

Where do the stories fit? There is a vast space waiting to be filled - in this blankness that yearns for words of adventure and audacity and blinding joy, yet still here I find, a blinking fine line. I had sought after the love I thought we sowed and ought to reap, for far too long. And maybe I’ve lost grip of my senses; looking over dried land, watering what has withered beyond reprieve, exchanging truths for alternative facts, dancing along rhythmically until we, too, are deceived. This truth, this particular truth - where you and I are nothing more than familiar, similar, comfortable spaces; waiting to be filled, designed to cater to two very lonely people. That is all you are to me. And I’m not even that, to you. But for whatever reason, we are still here - digging our hands deeper into pockets, reaching for pennies of affection to pay for what might just be the smallest exchange of love or at least, what it sought to be. Clawing upwards on walls we’ve built cemented ten heaps high, watching each other lose breath as we climb and fumble over, only again, to rebuild. Waiting for the first sign of retreat, waiting as we always have, waiting on each other, as we always will. Where does our story fit? I do not know of love that is not of you.

Joyce Pring

[aboutyouforyou]

And we didn't talk after that

is probably the saddest thing to say.

[aboutyouforyou]

There is this thought (not a good one I admit) and fantasy of me for you to yearn for me. For you to search for me. A little of me in everyone you meet. To remind you, it could have been me.

[aboutyouforyou]

Or rather

I, wishing 

it could have been 

Me.

[aboutyouforyou]

There is this thought (not a good one I admit) and fantasy of me for you to yearn for me. For you to search for me. A little of me in everyone you meet. To remind you, it could have been me.

[aboutyouforyou]

I must admit I had momentary regressions when I'd wish you were here to teach me how to survive these endless nights. Those fantasies led me to three realizations: that you didn't necessarily have to be here to do so, that you already did teach me the same, and that I already survived--with your help but without you.

[aboutyouforyou]

I meant everything I wrote here (at that time).

Now seeing the bigger and clearer picture of everything happened I realized why am I even feeling sorry for the things I shouldn’t have? But I sincerely apologize for the accidental pain I have caused because I was clueless here in the first place. I was hurt too.

Bakit nga ba kasi nagtatago? Bakit kailangan magtago?

If I only knew from the very start I would have stayed away....

I would never do those kind of things to a lover, to a friend.

[aboutyouforyou]

March 12, 2017

What breaks my heart is I’m not even worthy of at least an explanation, a reason.

It’s really hard to come up with conclusions all by yourself. 

But the bravest if you do.

Jamie

[aboutyouforyou]

“I would much

rather look back 

and say I’m glad I did it 

than 

what if.”

[aboutyouforyou]

I know I said I'd always fight until it's still the both of us in the end, but I guess I'd rather you be happy--even if it means I'm not. I damn well hope you are, my love.

[aboutyouforyou]

“Will you wait for me?”, he asked.

Maybe waiting also means letting go.

[aboutyouforyou]

March 8, 2017

Maybe I or you was too late or maybe we got it all wrong. Maybe we were just trying to hold on to some frayed rope between us that hinder us from fully moving on with our lives that left us heavily carrying the past on our shoulders.

Maybe that was how our story should have ended the first time we broke up.  

Maybe we were too consumed with our failures, our regrets, our what if’s, the why’s. That’s why we never really had that kind of peace and mistaken it for something else. Maybe you thought you still love me.

Maybe you really do love her and I was just pulling you back.

Sorry.

Jamie

[aboutyouforyou]

Please know, wherever life chooses or the life you chose takes you; that you can come home to me, always.

I will leave the door unlocked and the windows wide open, and endure the frigid nights of pitch-black longing just to give you a warm welcome.

For now, let me rest and remember to dream.

[aboutyouforyou]

There will be times you'll need to stop asking why. Maybe the answer is there all along.