Two weeks before I was to begin my last semester in college, I went through a very traumatic life altering event. It was as if an atomic bomb was dropped into my life leaving behind a parting gift of painful memories that would haunt me for the rest of my life. On that day a part of me died: a part that I don’t think I would ever get back until glory. In fact as the years progressed, I would experience even more pain caused by the betrayal of individuals that were supposed to be my friends and just when I thought I couldn’t handle anymore, my own body betrayed me. The lenses from which I viewed life, the world and my faith were forever changed.
Prior to the incident, I viewed myself as a good Christian. My testimony of faith wasn’t one that was dramatic. I didn’t have a horror story, my life, my story was simple. I grew up in a godly home where Jesus Christ was the center of everything we did. My parents made sure that we were immersed in all things Christ-like and by God’s grace, He drew me to Himself at a very young age. Ever since then I was drawn to the things of the Lord. I wanted to please Him in all that I did. I wasn’t perfect by any means, I had my issues so when the incident happened, I knew intellectually that my response to this incident would make or break my relationship with the Lord.
So initially, for the first couple years after the incident, I just figured that God will put me back together soon. After all, why would God want to prolong my suffering? I knew that there were lessons to be learned so early on I made a commitment to the Lord that I would learn His lessons, yet as the years passed by, it seemed like God was allowing more heartache to come my way rather than making things better. Eventually the hope that I had slowly turned into anger, anger turned into bitterness, bitterness to disillusionment. I began to struggle with unforgiveness, going to church, and just being a Christian. I couldn’t take out my anger on those that hurt me, so I took it out on those that loved me. Gradually I slowly started to become this person that I thought I would never be.
I was miserable. I was angry at the world, angry at God, and angry at every individual that hurt me. What began as a justified short stint in the pit of despair slowly became an extended stay. Before I knew it, I had pitched my tent in the field of despair. God out of His infinite wisdom and unconditional love allowed me to have moments of clarity during this time. He would give me moments of joy during this time to remind me that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I was able through God’s grace to not be completely devoured by despair. I was able to survive because of the years of bible study and memorization I had done prior to this dark time in my life. All those years of depositing into my heart, I was able to withdraw from it. Yet I knew that if I continued on that path my tank would soon run empty. Since I couldn’t change my circumstance, I would change my attitude. I decided to choose Jesus.
So little by little I began to choose joy. I chose to surrender my thoughts, dreams, and my happiness to the Lord. I realized that on my own, my fleshly desires would not choose the things of the Lord. My flesh would choose the easy way, my flesh would feed my bitterness, my flesh will always choose it’s self. I realized that a submitted life to God cannot be done by osmosis. I must work at it. I must beat my flesh to submission to Christ daily. No matter how bad my situation was, I must discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified (2Cor.9:27)
I needed to die to my flesh every second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year. Every moment gave me an opportunity to choose not to look at my circumstances but to the Holy One. Every moment gave my heart an opportunity to say that God is the only One that can heal my heart and I must believe that He will.
God used my family, loved ones, and friends along the way to lift my hands when I couldn’t lift a finger, to pray for me when I couldn’t pray for myself, to love me, when I couldn’t love myself. I looked around and I realized that I was surrounded by a cloud of witness who have suffered and emerged changed. My father was beaten and left dying on the side of the road. He is now living out his calling. My brother was demoted in college, only to be the only one in his whole team to make it to the NFL. My mother sacrificed herself to give us a better future and God has rewarded her. I could go on and on. I was surrounded by individuals who went into the fire and chose Jesus. I looked at the saints of old and my eyes were opened. Every saint that God took to the next level, they all went through a season of suffering, all so that they could lose themselves and gain Christ. With every season of heartache, I was forced to shed this skin of mine that was held together by my fleshly desires. With every outcome, I came undone so that grace can enter in.
Looking back I am grateful that I am not the same. The old Ruth was chained to people’s opinions. The old Ruth was naive about life and my faith. I asked the Lord to help me become like Him, and in His sovereignty chose to use a season of suffering to break me down, only to build me back up with a new heart. Satan wanted to break me down only to destroy me. God out of His infinite wisdom made sure that no matter how dark the night got, the dawn of His love and faithfulness will always rise. Earlier I said that I died after my heartbreak, well a new Ruth emerged. A Ruth that understands that I am nothing without Christ. It through this season of suffering that I was able to write songs, realign my priorities and come out stronger. God used what was meant to destroy me to give me a hope and a future that is tethered to the Cross, in which my Savior defeated sin so that I might have eternal life. My circumstances haven’t changed that much so even though outside I am wasting away, I am being renewed inside day by day. I wouldn't trade anything for the peace I now have, I’d rather be falling apart as long as it’s in the arms of a sovereign God.
dailybridgerton
dededos
romaincrisis
titsay
yousharknotpass
turnnoffyourmind