A Break From Love @abreakfromlove-blog - Tumblr Blog

chp. 1

“you’re so vain you probably think this song is about you.”

The rain hit the windshield hard as Savannah looked out of the passenger window. She quickly wiped a tear from her eye and sniffled a little. Another argument with Shane. Rashad didn’t say much of anything, he let her take her time, he was used to this. He had become her shoulder to cry on, and had been that for the past 5 years.

“You gotta let him go Sav,” he sighed as he turned the heat up a little bit. He hated seeing her like this and tried to show her the grass was greener on the other side but Shane had a crazy hold on her heart. She looked over at him and nodded her head not having anything to say.

She was out of words. “I know. I am.” He shook his head not believing anything she said. She always talked about how she was leaving but the minute he called with a good enough apology she ran right back. He started his car up and drover her back to her apartment in the heart of Washington D.C. “Don’t say that shit and you don’t mean it. You can do so much better than him Sav. He’s literally not shit.” His words were scripted at this point, he told her the same thing every few weeks, months if she was doing everything he told her too. “Look at you Savannah, you have a good paying job, you just got this new place, your vlogs are starting to take off. And what is he doing?” He said looking over at her while he approached the red light, “He doesn’t have a car, he doesn’t have a job, shit he barely has a high school education. What do you even see in this nigga?” He was getting frustrated even talking about their situation.

He let out a frustrated breath and pulled over in front of her place. “Look, call me if you need me alright. Leave that nigga alone Sav, for real this time.” She looked over at him and could see the frustration in his eyes. She wiped another tear and opened the door, sticking her umbrella out of the top and opening it up. She nodded her head and hugged him with her free arm. He knew he wouldn’t get much talking out of her, he never did. He sighed and spoke again, “call me later ok? I’ll cook something, we can vibe.” She smiled a little and nodded her head again, it seemed like that was all she did when she was with him. “I’d like that,” was all she said before she got out and shut the door behind herself. She stood on the sidewalk and watched him drive off until his car disappeared down the street.

She walked through the front doors of her apartment building, “Hello Ms. Duvernay, how are you today?” She smiled at Todd, her concierge and leaned against the wall while opening her mailbox, “I’ve had better days,” he pouted his bottom lip and grabbed a package from underneath his desk. “Maybe this can brighten you up.” He sat the package on the counter and her smile got wider, looking at the box. She had ordered her pink FENTYXPUMAs two weeks ago and they were finally here. She grabbed the box and smiled. “It definitely helped, thank you Todd. Enjoy the rest of your day.”

She walked away making her way to the elevator and pressed the up button. Her phone rang and she already knew who was calling her. She sighed deeply to herself trying her hardest to not answer and walked through the elevator doors pressing the silver ‘4’ button and waited for the doors to close and open on her floor.

She put the box under her arm and exited the elevator, walking down the hallway she rolled her eyes as she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket yet again, he had already called five times since she walked in the building. He must have seen her get out of the car, which meant he was there. Standing in front of the door she hesitated, she wasn’t ready to deal with him but she didn’t want to ride around in the rain all day either.

Taking a deep breath, putting the key in the lock and twisting the door knob at the same time, she walked into the dark apartment and kicked her shoes off at the door. She cut the light on and jumped back clutching her chest; there he was sitting on the counter smoking a blunt and blowing the smoke in the air. “You scared the shit out of me,” she said taking her jacket off and hanging it up in the closet by the door. “Where you been?” he asked completely ignoring her statement, she rolled her eyes not wanting to even start anything.

“I just got off work, what are you talking about?” She looked at the time it was 5:35pm she got home at 5:40 every day so she didn’t see what the issue was. “You’re home early.” She rolled her eyes and walked to her bedroom talking under her breath, “I’m not doing this right now; I literally came in the house five minutes early.” She walked around the apartment and grabbed a duffel bag from the closet.

He hopped off the counter and came into the room behind her, “I asked you a question,” his patience was getting thin. She stopped and shook her head looking at him in disbelief. “I left work a few minutes early because of the rain, that’s literally it. I don’t know what else to tell you.” She went to her dresser and grabbed a few pair of underwear and two bras. She walked back to her closet and scanned through her clothes determining what she would wear for rest of the week.

The more she packed the more his irritation grew. He took a few pulls of his blunt and exhaled. “I saw you get out that nigga car Savannah. Don’t lie to me, you was fucking that nigga?” she threw her clothes down on the bed, and growled in frustration. “No Shane the fuck! He happened to be at the train station and offered to give me a ride home because if you didn’t notice it’s raining outside and I didn’t want to walk 7 blocks from the metro in the damn rain.” She stuffed the clothes in her duffel bag and went to the closet to get more. “Shit! Is that ok with you? Is that cool? That I get a ride from a friend so I don’t have to walk seven blocks home in the freezing rain?” She rolled her eyes and walked to the bathroom, his eyes following her every move.

“You could’ve called an uber.” He said shrugging his shoulders, she looked at him in disbelief and threw her hands up. “Whatever bruh, I’m not doing this with you. We’ve been arguing all damn day and I’m tired of talking about this shit honestly.” She put her make-up bag on the side pocket of her duffel and he snatched the entire bag from the bed and threw it against the wall. “Where the fuck you think you going?” She jumped back startled and stepped back from him a little. “I’m going to my grandmother’s house for a few days.” She pushed some hair behind her ear and folded her arms, she was terrified right now she didn’t know what he was capable of. But she wouldn’t let him see that.

“YOU’RE A FUCKING LIAR SAVANNAH! YOU GOING TO THAT NIGGA HOUSE! YOU GON LET THAT NIGGA FUCK YOU?!” She backed up while he inched closer to her, eventually hitting her back on the wall, “Chill out! I’m not going to no niggas house!” He smacked the wall over her head before pacing back and forth in front of her. “You’re a fucking liar bruh, you’re gonna go to that niggas house and let that nigga fuck you cause that what hoes do.” She let the tears fall and pushed past him. “Fuck you Shane! I’m not fucking him and I never have.”

Walking toward the corner to get her bag and he pulled her back by her arm. “Whatever bruh that’s all you do is lie, talk to niggas, and get fucked. But I should’ve known. All those niggas wasn’t on your dick for no reason when we met.” The tears flowed freely down her face, her make-up was ruined now. She wiped her face and pushed him out of her face. “Shut the fuck up Shane! You’re not gonna sit here and disrespect me to my face in my fucking house! So you need to get the fuck out with that shit!” She zipped her bag up, threw it over her shoulder, and walked to the living room grabbing her keys and throwing them in her purse.

“I’m not going no fucking where and you not either,” he snatched the strap of the bag off her shoulder and pulled it back yanking her along with it. She yelped in pain and stumbled back a little, she could barely see her eyes were so watery. “Please Shane, just let me leave,” her voice was caught in her throat as she wiped her face with the back of her hand, smearing her mascara in the process.

He looked at her with his face cold and hard, “you know what Savannah go ahead.” He picked the bag up off the floor and grabbed her by her elbow pulling her to the front door. She opened her mouth to scream but nothing came out, she was sure there would be a bruise there. He opened the door and pushed her out forcefully and threw the bag at her, “have fun with that nigga, don’t worry about coming back here the locks will be changed.” He slammed the door and she heard the locks click including the chain lock at the top.

She threw the bag over her shoulder and fished her keys out of her purse before making her way towards the elevator. Pressing the silver down arrow and waiting patiently, she hoped that he wouldn’t follow her. The doors opened and she got in pressing the ‘door close’ button rapidly, “come on….come on” she said waiting for the doors to close. When they finally did she let out a breath that she didn’t know she was holding and pressed the garage button.

Exiting the elevator and adjusting the strap on her shoulder, she pressed the trunk button on her car remote and put her bag in it shutting it shortly after. She pressed the button on the driver’s side door handle and sat down in the chair. She placed her hands on the steering wheel and broke down. She sobbed uncontrollably and wiped her face trying to get herself together.

The emotional, physical and mental abuse had been taking a serious toll on her but she couldn’t get herself to leave him alone. He was all that she had. She sent both her grandmother and Rashad a text message, letting Rashad know that she was on her way, and her grandmother that she’d be there tomorrow after work.

Pressing her foot on the brake and pushing the start button started her car right up. She mentally cursed herself out when she looked at the gas tank, she had just filled it up two days ago and now she was back on E. She didn’t know where the hell he had been taking her car but it was evident that he was on moves across the entire metropolitan area. She pulled out of the parking space and grabbed her dad hat from the passenger seat and pulled it down on top of her head. She put the address that he sent to her into her navigation and began the thirty minute drive.

The entire drive was filled with incoming calls, and text messages from Shane. There were so many coming in that she was forced to listen to the radio. She finally pulled up to Rashad’s house and parked in the driveway next to his car. She got out of the car and walked to her trunk. She could care less about the rain at this point, it actually felt good on her skin as if it was washing all of her problems away.

She popped the trunk and grabbed her bag before walking to the front door. She lightly knocked a few times and after a few short moments she heard the locks click. He looked down at her and her bag and dropped his head, he hated seeing her like this. He stepped to the side and let her in, she dropped her bag at the door and he pulled her into him. He didn’t care that she was soaking wet, he just cared that she was there. “Please don’t go back Sav, I’m begging you.”

Savannah wiped the foggy mirror with her hand and stared at herself for a minute. Her eyes watered and she tilted her head back daring them to fall. The warm shower had temporarily calmed her down and removed the headache that she had been having all day. But the vibrations from her phone could be heard throughout the room and that bought it right back. He hadn’t stopped calling her since she left. She walked toward the phone and read some of the messages.

6:28pm: Baby – Fuck you Savannah. I know you going to that nigga house. I hope he fuck you good just like he always do.

Baby - 15 missed calls

6:30pm: Baby – SMH so you cant answer the phone now? Man I’m hip to you bruh you probably talking shit about me

6:33pm: Baby – all the shit I did for you and you just leave me for that lame ass nigga. You’re a fucked up individual young.

Baby- 22 missed calls

6:34pm: Baby – I was the only one there when everybody turned on your dumbass. I always had your back. But whatever bruh I won’t say shit else to you

6:40pm: Baby – since you with that nigga imma go get me a new bitch. She gon look better than you and she gon be loyal

Baby – 37 missed calls

6:45pm: Baby – can you please just come home savannah

6:50pm: Baby – I’m sorry for the way I acted and everything I said just please come home. You know I didn’t mean that shit. I was just mad.

Baby – 45 missed calls

7:00pm: Baby – fuck you Savannah, I’m done with your hoe ass. Make sure you use a condom when you fucking that nigga.

Sighing she put her phone down and opened her bag, trying to rush out of her home meant she didn’t pack everything she needed and that irritated her but she remained calm and put her lotion on. She looked around Rashad’s room and found a pair of sweatpants, slipping each leg into them and throwing on a sweatshirt she had left here a while ago. Brushing her freshly washed hair and twisting it into a top bun, she made her way downstairs and inhaled which made her smile.

“What you cooking?” she asked sitting on a stool by the counter. Rashad looked over at her and smirked, she was looking like herself again. “Cajun chicken and shrimp pasta.” He stirred the sauce in the pot and took the lid off of the boiling noodles. He pulled his sweatpants back up on his waist and opened the oven checking on the garlic bread. Savannah went to the top of the refrigerator and grabbed his RAW paper tray, she sat back at the table and pulled out a sheet crumbling it in her hands. She looked up at him every now and then enjoying watching him cook.

“So what happened?” He didn’t really care to know, it was always the same thing. He thought she was with someone else, he got disrespectful, and she left. Then he would call her and text her, she’d be going back to him tomorrow after work. She always did. Sprinkling the marijuana into the sheet, spreading it evenly she shook her head and gave a dry chuckle. “I don’t even care to talk about it honestly.” He wouldn’t pry, she wanted to leave it alone so he left it alone.

She held the half completed blunt with her thumb and index finger and twisted it up like the professional she was. “What you think you doing,” he joked while looking back at her to see what was keeping her so quiet. She giggled and grabbed the lighter drying the freshly rolled paper. “You know you were gonna do it before you ate anyway so what’s the difference?” She was right, she always was for the most part.

Lighting the blunt she inhaled deeply and held it in for a minute. When she blew the smoke out she felt an immediate calm wash over her, repeating the process made her feel at peace. She was dependent on the drug now, ever since she met Shane she had been smoking more than the usual. It was for recreation at first but now it’s like her medicine, she can’t function until she has that high feeling. It was the only way she could even tolerate being around him anymore. She walked over to Rashad and handed him the blunt and stood next to him leaning on his forearm.

He leaned up against the counter and positioned her in front of him, wrapping his free arm around her waist and using the other hand to pull from the blunt; this felt right to him. Her here, with him; the vibe was perfect he wanted to show her that he was everything she ever needed but this back and forth was getting tired and had past old months ago.

“Here,” she took the blunt from him and moved out of the way going back to her original spot at the counter. She watched as he grabbed two bowls and put the pasta in each one. He placed a slice of garlic bread on the side of each bowl and sat one in front of her and one to her left. He handed her a fork and they both bowed their heads for grace. “Rashad this smells amazing.” He popped his collar and she nudged him with her elbow.

They ate peacefully and in silence, not an awkward silence but a comfortable one. When he had finished and put his napkin in his bowl, she grabbed both of them and began to clean the kitchen. It was in her nature to do so and she had been doing this for as long as she had known him. He put the food into their designated containers and took it upon himself to roll two more blunts. She dried the counter off as she finished cleaning the kitchen, and followed him to the living room and turned the light off behind her.

He patted the spot next to him and she sat in the area and put her feet up bending them at the knees. He leaned back on the couch and lit the next blunt. He inhaled the smoke, held it in his lungs and blew it out. “I won’t lie this feels right.” He coughed immediately after her revelation and sat up a little, coughing into his fist. He wasn’t expecting that. “Why you say that?” he passed the blunt to her and leaned his head back waiting for her reply.

She shrugged and took the blunt holding it between her two fingers, inhaling deeply before blowing the smoke out of her nose. “I just feel comfortable around you, there’s no force here. Everything just flows naturally, you’re a really great guy Rashad any woman would be lucky to have you.” He rolled his eyes while his head was back, he didn’t want any woman he wanted her. “I don’t want any woman though.”

Laying her head back into his lap she looked up at him and took another long drag of the marijuana filled paper and passed it back to him. “I know.” She looked down at her thumbs and began to play with them along with the thread of her shirt out of habit. “I would love to be with you, I really would.” She covered her face and felt her eyes watering all over again. A single tear made its way to her cheek and he wiped it for her.

She let out an overdue breath and began again, “I’m just so emotionally and mentally damaged right now that I wouldn’t want to put anyone else through that.” She turned to her side, her back facing him. He rested his hand on her thigh and nodded his head, he understood where she was coming from. “I just need to figure out what Savannah wants to do right now. I lost myself trying to find love in him and I don’t know who I am anymore.” Her voice was calm but the tears flowed from her eyes like a running faucet.

“But you can’t figure out who Savannah is if you stay.” He rubbed her thigh lightly and felt her nod her head against his. He passed her the blunt again and lit the other one. She repeated the process until the blunt almost burnt her lip, she tossed the roach in the ash tray and wiped her face. “I’m done. I can’t tolerate the disrespect anymore. It’s just I don’t understand how someone can claim that they love you and treat you like shit, when it’s convenient for them.” This time when she spoke her voice broke a little, he was so sad for her. Such a beautifully strong individual looked so weak to him right now, over a bum ass nigga. He rubbed his hand down his face and passed her the next blunt. He wasn’t as heavy a smoker as he was portraying to be at the moment, but he knew she had a long day.

“That’s not love baby girl. He’s using you.” That one sentence single-handedly broke her heart. More tears fell and she sat up wiping her eyes for what seemed like the hundredth time today. What made it worse was that she knew exactly what he was doing and she was allowing it. She became a prisoner in her own relationship and didn’t know how to get herself out of it.

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