Courage.
So some of my friends will know that one of my good friends posted this amazing blog a couple of days ago about boys with body image issues read it here.
Call it copy cat...or call it motivation from an amazing person that I had absolutely ZERO idea he went through any of that...or even thought like that - the way he thinks in terms of body image is exactly how I feel and I am far from being over it. Will I ever be over it, even if I do manage to attain the body I want? No idea. Even when I had lost all the weight and had everyone praising me everywhere I went, I still hated my body. Thanks media! So lets go on a journey where I show you how normal my childhood was and how once upon a time I actually didn't give zero fucks what anyone thought of me.
As a kid I was adorable. I had the blonde hair, the blue eyes and I was so tanned (thanks to being outside so much as a kid) I also had a pretty kick ass metabolism and thank god for that because I ate like CRAP!
Just fucking look at that kid. Adorable.
I was as 'normal' as I could be, I played with barbies & even my older brother would play barbies with me too (Ken would ALWAYS drive the sports car by the way). Most weekends & school holidays were spent out on the water on a boat my parents owned called 'Carisma' (yes it was purposely spelt that way). I was not a girly girl. I hated wearing dresses, I would prefer to collect soldier crabs on the beach than sit around putting on make up. My parents gave my brother & I an amazing life. I also did heaps of sports - Netball, Tennis, Swimming - swimming was my absolute FAVOURITE all I wanted to be was a lifeguard because I adored the ocean and how free it made me feel when I swam in it. So, most of you are probably thinking..when did you start having body image problems? Start of high school and then more so after school.
6th Grade - wasn't even THAT chunky and yet still got picked on
Lets hit high school this is where it went down hill..high school was shit for me..while I DID have friends I always felt like I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't skinny enough. I wore some pretty hilarious outfits when I was 13, midriffs, boob tubes, mini skirts - shit that I really shouldn't have worn I had my gut out in clear view and I gotta tell ya - if I went back in time and saw myself wearing that shit I would have smacked myself hard. But at the same time why should I be so horrified about that? I gave zero fucks what people thought of me, I wore it because I thought I looked good. I do remember being at the beach with my friends and having people yell stuff out from their cars - yeah harsh. I hated high school. I was always getting in to trouble because I was a smart ass, at one point my fat mouth had the entire grade ganging up on me one lunch time (totally my fault by the way) I don't think I ever felt accepted until I met my still best friend Tim, I was in that teenage angst phase where I was introduced to music. I started dressing differently and then my other group of friends tried to turn on me at one point because I was SO different, they never did at the end of it but I haven't kept in touch with them since schoolies.
oooh teenage angst.
Lets skip a few years to about 2007-2008ish great years..for eating like shit and drinking beers, beers, beers!! I did not give a shit about my well being at all. I drank, I ate like shit, I smoked and I was fat. I look back at those photos and while I looked happy in almost all of the photos (thanks to alcohol!) It's surprising I'm even alive.
Yumm....
at the end of 2008/start of 2009 that's where I started to make changes, I joined a gym and I worked out A LOT. It defintely wasn't anything to do with my diet while I did eat somewhat better I was a gym junkie mainly cardio - I hit the cardio machines I rarely ever touched weights. I loved the compliments especially when boys started to somewhat pay attention - one in particular. The second I got into a relationship my self control was thrown out the window, I barely went to the gym for a while in the start of the relationship and I ate what he ate and he ate like SHIT (chicken nuggets, wings etc.) We moved into our first house together and continued to eat like poor 20 somethings - tinned soups for the win!
lover of cardio here.
When I joined Fitness First - I have to admit that changed my life. I got a personal trainer who was AMAZING (I had her up until last year, unfortunately can no longer train with her due to conflicting schedules) I was using weights, I was kicking serious ass and everyone around me went insane with my progress (again) I still hated how I looked. Not to mention my diet to get to that point wasn't really that healthy...carrot & celery sticks for snacks, sandwiches (normally just turkey on rye) and dinner was normally steak with veggies. Despite all the lovely words I STILL hated myself. A year later (to now) I let myself go a little bit (5-6kgs) but in my eyes I'm HUGE and I hate it..hate it more than anything - for those reading and wondering - yes that's why you rarely see me out, yes that's why I have no interest in anything anymore and it's my fault, the other day after reading Adrian's blog I actually looked into liposuction..Nathan caught me looking at it at work he didn't judge he understands what I'm going through but despite what I think of myself he still loves me what the hell is wrong with me?..my head space isn't what it used to be unfortunately but hopefully one day..I'll get there.
when I was at my prime.
