Abstract Hope

ABSTRACT HOPE is a series of original, stand-alone poems/ramblings paired with illustrations for anybody who may match my freak. A @glovelylovely side blog.

[abstracthope]

AH4: THE GOSPEL OF MARY

[IMAGE ID BELOW]

[ID: Four images. The first depicts the silhouette of Jesus and Mary, facing each other and overlapping. There is a skeleton visible at the intersection of their silohettes. On the left side, Jesus is seen dragging a cross. On the right side, a pregnant Mary is seen riding a donkey. Both leave a trail behind them. There is text at the bottom, formatted like a Bible verse, that reads, "From the moment we become aware of death, it forever looms over us as an inevitable possibility. Some choose to fear it, and others, to run from it. To hide from the only thing, other than God, that cannot be hidden away from. Yes, we are all aware of it." The second image depicts Mary, nervously cradling a baby Jesus wrapped in a blanket. She stares at death, a skeleton who mirrors her pose. It is cloaked in a hood with long sleeves, mirroring her head covering and outer garment, and holding a blanket with no visible child wrapped within it, although it takes the shape of one. There is text at the bottom that reads, "But to become a mother is to face death; To look into its eyes and know it cannot be run from. When you hold something so vulnerable in your arms, death fills the room with its plausibility. You fear, not your own passing, but the passing of the life resting within your hands. God has shared with you the glorious act of creation, and the Devil taunts you with the devastating journey to the end." The third image depicts Mary and baby Jesus doing skin to skin. Mary still wears her head covering, but her garment has been pulled down to her elbows, and drapes over her legs. She kisses Jesus, who lays on her chest, as her tears roll off her nose and onto his neck. She rests one hand on his back, and the other is within the child's grasp. There is a block of text to the left of them that reads "I, more than anyone, know this feeling all too well. Tonight, my little Jesus, with cries soft and skin soft, you are close to me. You hold my finger in your precious, little hand, and your scrunched face softens in the grasp of my familiarity. In this moment, I dare not think of death. Even in death, you represent so much life. You are our salvation. Though I know it not possible, I pray that I can be yours. The weight of the world rests upon your perfect, little shoulders. I pray that my love is enough." The fourth image depicts an older Mary on her knees, clinging tightly to Jesus, who is now grown and deceased. His ribs are visible, and blood drips from a crown of thorns around his head, and from his hands. He has long hair and a beard, and wears a white cloth around his waist, covering only his genitals and part of his thigh. Mary burries her face into Jesus' and sobs. Her tears stream down her nose and onto his face. Her teeth are visible and snot and saliva drip down her lips. She wraps her arms around his corpse, clinging tightly to him, but still with a certain softness, as if she could hurt him. There is text on the right which reads, "One day, your fate will call, and I will question mine. God made us in his image, but pain came as an after thought. A punishment. He knows what I feel, but He himself cannot feel it. When you die, He has the hope of holding you in Heaven, but I will hold you, limp, in my own personal hell. As His people throw their hands up and rejoice for the son of God, I will cry out and grieve for the son of Mary.” /end ID.]

[abstracthope]

AH3: MOTHER TO MONSTER

I am a monster. Compassion is secondary and humanity is earned. I claw at flesh and gnash my teeth in abject terror of the world, then curl up to rest, so safe in my aloneness that I am easily mistaken for something kind, and so it repeats.

You, too, are monster. As mirror to mother, you were fated to be. From the moment I was born, you existed inside of me, harbored in the flesh of the wicked. Through microchimerism we exchange cells; There’s no escape from the prison of my blood, so of course you become monstrous, and in karmic virtue, you give it back to me. I give you life and love, and all you can give me in return is sickness, and swelling and stretch marks, and pain. You’ll scream as you tear me apart, forcing me to experience the world one hundred times stronger.

Yet I do not meet your cries with aching anger, for beyond your familiar terror, I am met with innocent eyes, who in their purity, see me in the warm light of love, and so, undoubtedly, I see you too. Baptized in the clarity of my weathered, watery gaze, we change. Monstrous becomes maternal as I gnash my teeth for something greater. I claw away at an evil world for a not so evil you.

Because for so long I’ve seen myself as alien, like you, but my most natural inclinations and desires eat at me like the wild animal I once was until I admit it. I am human because I am your mother, and you are human because you are my son. In holding you, in kissing you, in loving you, we become human. We exist on this Earth, despite everything, as similar beasts. When you cry, I’ll remember when I cried, and when you laugh, I’ll remember when I laughed, and when you sleep, I will remember how I slept, grateful to watch you exist in this beautiful world that I, too, have had the privilege to exist in. This world in which you have every right to be.

And whenever you feel that evil bubbling up inside of you, you can return once more to me, and together we shall tame the beast. You will never be alone because I am part of you, and I will never be alone because you are part of me. With each other, within each other, we gain our humanity.

[IMAGE ID BELOW.]

[ID: A mother holds their child, wrapped in a blanket, at the center of the piece. The mother is portrayed as a blank slate; They are a simple human-shaped blob with two arms, two legs, and a bald head. The child is similar, however they have two horns on the top of their head, one eye claws, and a long tail with a heart at the end of it. They are surrounded by a repeating pattern that portrays their journey together, extending outward from the center as if they are the center of a flower and each layer is a row of identical petals. The first layer is made up of sharp points and baby rattles. The second layer is made up of crying eyes, and the border resembles the shape of breasts and pregnant bellies. The third layer shows the mother and child playing outside, surrounded by grass, clouds, and trees that appear yonic. The next layer is made up of pacifiers, bottles, breasts, smiley faces, and the proudly mother holding their child while on the phone, bragging about their baby. The next layer shows the baby in their crib making happy, sad, angry, surprised, and bored expressions. The following layer shows the child and the mother asleep on the couch. The layer beyond that shows the mother feeding the child in a high chair, as a jar of baby food explodes with hearts in the background. The final layer, which is only visible now in the corners, is a home. /end ID.]

[abstracthope]

AH2: THE SKELETON IN MY CLOSET IS ME

“trapped in the closet surrounded by skeletons who look just like me”

[IMAGE ID BELOW.]

[ID: My panicked, thirteen year-old self standing over my 23 year old self, dead in a closet. She is wearing a short-sleeved, yellow dress with brown shoes and long, white socks, as well as a small bracelet. She has long hair, and she is covered in blood. Below her, I lie motionless, with a stab wound to the heart. I am wearing dark corduroy pants, a plain white shirt, a belt, a carabiner with keys, a watch, a bracelett, several rings, and a cuff on each ear. There is blood soaking through the wound and seeping on to the floor, as well as a bloody handprint on my cheek and my chest, left by my 13 year-old self. In front of us is a knife she dropped. She blushes and stares wide, as it is implied that someone has opened the closet door. In the background are clothes from different queer things I was into safely before I came out of the closet. From left to right, you can see Steven Universe's star t-shirt, Princess Bubblegum's dress from Adventure Time, Louise's tank top and handkerchief from Thelma & Louise, a shirt of mine with personal meaning, Lisa Simpson's dress from The Simpsons, Jane Lane's blazer from Daria, Barb's shirt from Stranger Things, Ruth Jamison's dress from Fried Green Tomatoes, and Silvermist's dress and wings from the Tinkerbell Movies. The shelf on the left side is dedicated to queer films I got into after I came out. The top shelf includes the pillow case from Sick Girl, a microphone for Girltrash: All Night Long, and photos from The Watermelon Woman and You Can Live Forever. The middle shelf has a cowboy hat and cigarettes for Desert Hearts, a cat ear headband for Babycat, and photos from Desert Hearts, Sick Girl, Girltrash: All Night Long, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, and Fried Green Tomatoes. The bottom shelf is dedicated specifically to art as an outlet. It's got a pile of stacked sketchbooks, a pencil, and drawings i did for Desert Hearts, Dark Habits, Clear by twentyonepilots, my OCs 10mggirl and Abstract Hope, and then my signature. The floor below the shelf has a small carving that reads "ALOTTA LAME," another reference to Girltrash. The right shelf is dedicated to more real-life queer influence. The top shelf has some important books to me, including Carrie, Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe, My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness, Desert of the Heart, and Dykes to Watch Out For. The middle shelf is dedicated to my first crushes. There are old drawings I did of them, and characters we brought to life together. The bottom shelf is dedicated to friends who helped me become the best version of myself. There are photos I drew of them, and plushies that represent them in some way. /end ID.]

[abstracthope]

AH1: NOSTALGI-KISS

dearest, queerest nostalgi-kiss

waited my whole life for this

through gained awareness and ignorant bliss

newness contrasts with reminisce

tastes just like the garden hose

of a rickety home where loving grows

sunny days and a bloody nose

otter pops and old tv shows

awkward and exhilarating like junior prom

whispers, jitters, come out to mom

bike riding, secret hiding, sweaty palm

stay up late to date on clubpenguin.com

risky, frisky, a pool's deep end

cheat on tests, play pretend

skipping class, the latest trend

my first and your last name penned

clumsy and messy like finger paint

first time drunk, near to faint

playground potions, parental complaint

sinner under guise of saint

shared with the first person i ever knew

who heard me, saw me, knew me too

love accrue, our whole life through,

destined to make my way back to you

[IMAGE ID BELOW.]

[ID: (1) A pink-tinted drawing of two girls kissing, one desperately, and the other, with relief. The girl on the left, Tony, is wearing a durag, a windbreaker, the left half of a heart necklace, and rings. She has several piercings, locs, a sad face tattoo on her right hand, and a matching happy face tattoo on her left. She cups the face of the girl on the right, Kris, who has short, bleached, lightly curly hair, an assortment of moles all over her body, and an industrial piercing. She is wearing a spaghetti strap tank top and the right half of a heart shaped necklace. Behind them is a collage of the two of them growing up together. From the left side to the right, arching over the kiss, are memories of Kris getting sick while Tony holds her hair back, Tony cleaning up Kris after a fight, Tony comforting Kris on the bathroom floor, Tony and Kris making faces at the camera, Tony laughing as Kris smiles with an orange in her mouth, Tony and Kris at prom, Tony drawing on Kris' face on New Years, Kris as Lydia and Tony as Beetlejuice for halloween, Kris showing Tony her boobs, Kris and Tony cuddled up on the couch, Kris and Tony sleeping on the couch with weighted plushies and sharing a pillow when they were younger, Kris braiding Tony's hair while she holds up a tutorial on her phone, Kris kissing Tony once on the cheek while very high, Tony painting Kris' nails, Tony and Kris watching videos in bed, Tony and Kris graduating, Tony and Kris hopping over a rickety fence, and Kris and Tony sitting on a log and looking at a snail.]