"Your mother, your father, your grandparents: they all look at you like youβre some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. βGetting old ainβt for sissies,β your father tells you wearily.
You wish theyβd stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much youβre not taking advantage of your youth.
You want to kiss all kinds of different people, you want to wake up in a strangerβs bed maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good to feel nothing, you want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a bonafide family. You want to go from one place to the next constantly and have your weekends feel like one long epic day. You want to dance to stupid music in your stupid room and have a nice job that doesnβt get in the way of living your life too much. You want to be less scared, less anxious, and more willing. Because if youβre closed off now, you can only imagine what youβll be like later.
Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, youβre starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. Theyβre the ones that are holding your twenties hostage.
Stop thinking that everyone is having more sex than you, that everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because itβs not true (it might be!) but because that kind of thinking leaves you frozen. Youβve already spent enough time feeling like youβre stuck, like youβre watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and youβre unable to hold on to anything.
I donβt know if you ever get better. I donβt know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active participant in their life. Iβd like to think so. Iβd like to think that people get better each and every day but thatβs not really true. People get worse and itβs their stories that end up getting forgotten because we canβt stand an unhappy ending. The sick have to get better. Our normalcy depends upon it.
You have to value yourself. You have to want great things for your life. This sort of shit doesnβt happen overnight but it can and will happen if you want it.
Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today?
We shall see.β
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