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i know what's in my heart, i need to bring it back into my chest

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feeling like the scratch marks on a steel table

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theyre taking me out back and turning me into a 7 minute dance track

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one of about 5 pics of me as a teenager that exists

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oral of the story

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hi

[papayajuan2019]

thought downing several glases of red wine and going for a walk would help. it did not. it only refined what was already aching. i saw some birds and got very emotional thinking of animals existing. so i think it was worth it, in a certain sense. i actually need to be high

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wish i was a whole pineapple in your kitchen. so i could rot a little because you get too lazy to cut it up

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i used to marry everyone back in my day. but then i realized that resulted in so much heartbreak. now, i only aim to make one big heartbreak. 1 big marry

[papayajuan2019]

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[papayajuan2019]

sometimes i think about posting gym progress pics. but then i realize i'm not that type of person this isnt that type of place this isnt that type of reality and time doesnt curve to those waves

[papayajuan2019]

Papaya, how can I be cured of my crushing need for romantic love? Is it because I’ve never had it? (My bad for sounding so emo I’m going through it rn thank you for your time)

you don't have to be cured of the need per se. fill the time with becoming yourself. the love will come as it always does. you're going to have to do all the other things you've been putting off. learning, creating, talking, feeling, whatever it is for you, you start now. that itch in your heart, go find ways to scratch it now. with your own agency.

when the love arrives you don't want to be in a place where it consumes you. learn from me. way long ago i was aching for it too. when it arrived i wanted to keep it so bad. that intense desire backfired because i had not built myself up yet. i had been putting off the things i wanted from myself. perspectives of myself were missing.

(the funny thing is, taking ownership of your agency is often the thing that brings opportunities for love. don't neglect becoming. if youre like me, doing your thing can suck because the proof of love comes as a process and not as a product. being with another person is always a process and never a product)

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my little july, pressed into the drain

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my sweaty self with a girl i only met once at a party