মেঘ @acannedsummer - Tumblr Blog

Wrote this for my middle school best friend who haven't talked to me since getting a boyfriend

I was 20 years old when I stopped dreaming and killed my ambitions. I stopped wanting to grow. I quit trying to be big and I realized I found comfort in my smallness, I found peace in the lack of want, lack of desire.

ever since my father found out about my runs he started questioning my faith in the most disgusting ways possible. he is convinced that i am a hypocrite and only practice to show, and he makes sure to let me know about that as well. and i didn't know how deep it could run until now

when i say i've stopped asking for things from God, people assume I've stopped believing, and things along that line. but what i mean when i say that is that, i've given up on wanting things, not on God. i've left and trusted everything in the hands of God, whatever happens for the best and best only, and the issue with that is, i'm also applying it to sins. when i say i've stopped asking god for things, i've also stopped asking for patience or strength. and i don't know about the goodness of such measures, and i find myself unable to care for the goodness as well, because i've also given up on wanting happiness or peace.

when my mother said I’m an abnormal child, everything in my eyes became crooked. My teeth laid clustered, my limbs stayed bent and my blood tasted bitter.

when my mother said I’m an abnormal child, the horizon tilted. The sun rose too late and the moon sunk too soon, my days started unprepared and nights ended abruptly.

when my mother said I’m an abnormal child, my unfaithful partner was right and my long left best friend was kind.

when my mother said I’m an abnormal child, grey became the ugliest color in the world, everything I owned were grey.

when my mother said I’m an abnormal child, the lines on my arms stopped bleeding because blood isn’t supposed to be red, it’s supposed to be kind.

Life is an loophole of giving

When you’re young and you realize life is nothing but an endless loop of giving, your vision of it changes. You lose purpose and goals, and that makes a life meaningless, simply a wait station for death. Your friends are your friends because you sacrifice for them, your parents are your parents because you take care of them once they’re old, that’s responsibility, them taking care of you is charity. Even God, you’ll get heaven if you worship God. So your respect for everyone and everything fades, except God. Because God had managed to scare me. Being unsuccessful in life doesn’t scare me, hell does.

It is easy to victimize oneself and inflate one's ego, very desirable indeed. What is even more desirable is lying. Lying is a gift to humanity, it lets us mould reality and fit it in a container that is truly beautiful. Things like 'these' aren't supposed to be easy, it's not. Even moulding reality isn't easy, but you did it so well, it is impressive. Even after all these years, almost 8 years, I couldn't lie, nor could I embrace the moulded reality, so what I did was wait. I waited, but I am human and I do humanly errs, which i do not lie about, never will. But what I did was, try, I wish you did too. As bare and as raw as it gets, I hope you know I never blinked twice at another one, for the past 8 years, but it was easy for you to do so. It was easier for you to deny it, it was easier for you to spit colossal words to me and not mean it. It did not take you a second moment to make another spotify playlist with someone else, and spread the news of my overnight journey to the move on station. People do not touch shrub bushes for fun, they do it to get the rose, I didn't wrangle with you for fun either, I wanted the rose too, but you wouldn't know that would you? You don't know what are things that matter to me the most, you don't know what are the things I lost and gained that made me, me. I probably don't know about yours either, but I asked, I asked and asked. Maybe a tiny selfish part of me kept asking you hoping you'd ask me too. But you barely saw me as anything, belittling me was like a hobby to you, so it's only natural for you to not assume my drive can have wheels too. You never cared much, I yearned and dreamed for your desire to ask me what I loved and despised, you were never as curious, and probably that's why it was so easy for you to say words that claim the future and hop onto another future. But you know part of me is happy about it, because I imagine you're content, studying in Korea, a subject you're ambitious about, with a person who dedicated songs of my favorite artists to you, and that makes me happy, because I know how much struggle you went through all your life. And I'm sorry if I've ever increased that burden for you. But I wish you'd also realize how I'm not believing another person that compliments my eyes. And how unfollowing me from everything and not removing me was one of my most childish shit you've done. But what's worse are the claims about me to your friends. I do not ever want to see you or hear from you, but God will hear from me about you.

When I'm laughing and then remember my parents know abt my sh tendencies and now nothings funny anymore