Girl With The Cobweb Eyelashes

From Cha0$ ~lov3~ From ~lov3~ Gaia

[desvall]

[art-and-anarchism-deactivated20]

[acatmayl00kataking-blog]

Unhealthy unhealthy unhealthy

Hey how’s it goin

Shoot pixels out of my finger tips with the hopes that they reach you

He’s still dead

Pixlated images of some sort of high school memories & summer on golf course lawns

The other boy still makes me feel ill

Something about exposing myself that much to another human being makes me nauseous

The new girl just makes me nervous

So many faces to sort through

I’m so fucking tired of searching endlessly for someone to spend some time with

I just don’t know if I want to show that much of me again toxic & covered in years old scars let’s move away from the self destructive behaviors & find another place for that energy, bbg

[thraxxhouse]

die with u baby.

[thraxxhouse]

breakdalaw.

[acatmayl00kataking-blog]

remind me how i’m supposed to sleep when instead of lullabies we fall asleep to sirens 

[acatmayl00kataking-blog]

In this consumer paradise, the depression is strong with this one.

Sat across from my mom at the same restaurant she’s been taking me to since I started school in this city over five years ago.  She ordered carrot cake. I always glow when I’m with her.  We glow when we’re with each other.  Leaving is always hard. 

Told her about walking my fifth grade student home in the dark and how he disappeared into the fog like a ghost just like how so many of our beautiful black students disappear behind bars or in these streets or into coffins.  She said you need to write these things down.  She said has your therapist called you back yet.  She said you’ve been carrying so much all on your own for eight months, let someone help you. 

She said writing it out would help me find a way to find myself and my narrative and my role in this.  She said the more I write, the closer I’ll get to finding that voice and it will push me away from the exploitative language white people use to fetish-ize stories of those they label as at risk.  She said maybe writing will make me feel less alone.  So here we go... 

[summersweeet]

via weheartit

[lofiking]

[acatmayl00kataking-blog]

In need of trees

And hiking and outdoors and a forest and rivers and running water and the silence that goes with it all

I don’t have any culture but goddamit I was raised on fresh water lakes and the outdoors

Grey skies and cement sunsets are killing me

[lisasimpsonbookclub]

THEY PROMISED ME PONIES.

[Submitted by faminta-de-sensacoes]

[conseguenzedellamore0]

le amo troppo a ste due lesbicone

[acatmayl00kataking-blog]

I’m just gonna share some shit real quick here

People who call themselves my best friends leave quicker than they come

For a few years it was because I was the crazy one fresh out of the psych ward hopped up on pills they couldn’t pronounce the names of having flashbacks and anxiety attacks on the reg

Then we thought we lost my brother to the same illness that broke me and sent my grandma away from everyone she loved before she died. I guess my family’s got a case of the crazies, but only I can say that and only I can judge them for that.

Then I lost him but he wanted to leave earlier, but I trapped him with my bullshit

Whatever though I’m working through it

People fucking come and go as they please and treat me like a front door mat where they can wipe off the shit on the bottom of their shoes before they keep moving up. God it feels good to say that without any feminine, masking apology.

Family first

No I don’t trust anyone except those connected to me by blood who stood by me

So, yah, what I’m saying is:

No I don’t trust you

Yes I’m still angry

Yes I still cry about it all

No I’m not over it

Yes there’s still a lot of hurt there. Yes, you asked me to pose in a picture for an assignment for school as an “insane” person just a few months after I got out of the ward. Yes, you looked at me over your wine glass at that party and said, mostly to yourself nodding your head almost apologetically, “you know, I study people like you.”

They say the place you live and how you look reflects the amount of respect you have for yourself. Check out the abandon building next door, my broken front door, the dishes in the sink, and my cheap ass bedroom filled with dirty clothes and you can tell I can’t stand to be with myself most days.

I’m still learning the art of being happy alone of rejoicing in my loneliness. Been learning it since the day after I was first raped and spent two hours in the bathroom convincing my 12 year old self it didn’t happen, then again at 18, and 19. I push that shit down. But the anger and sadness fucking eat my mind.

I’m not sorry if I offend you when I say I’d never trust you with anything. Fake friends, fake fucking lovers, fake partners. Fuck off. I don’t want you, but I think I need you to help keep me alive.

And I hate that fact. I need to hit the restart button.

[love-personal]

[acatmayl00kataking-blog]

Wannna find an escape that doesn’t leave me with a headache n a sick stomach n a broken heartttt ay

I’m so fucking lonely bruh

Too many funerals for one month not enough anti depressants

I’m needy. I’ve got needs. Horoscope says I need a good dose of reality and honesty. Rams horn. I’m needy.

[acatmayl00kataking-blog]

I kinda hate myself

Some days. Most days. Every day.

[hateful]

[acatmayl00kataking-blog]

My eyes burn

I don’t think I’m doing a good job

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep

Street lights and car alarms and some nights gun shots waking up to unclaimed bodies in the median

Grinding my teeth remembering how being with him and with myself was like walking on ice

God I hope I’ve changed

Don’t forget to set the alarm when you leave the house

So many dead young men so much violence so much suffering his face was waxen in the coffin and my picture was up on the screen two mothers one black one white so much sadness there wasn’t enough space for air

Next date I go on I hope we don’t end up in a liquor store with me buying my own six pack and going home alone

I need my meds

[dangerly]

[heartbreakhur]

[acatmayl00kataking-blog]

Message fwd from me 2 me