the whole room was spinning.
each kiss delivered a sense of urgency that jeonghan couldn’t recognize. he took a sharp intake of breath - mouth, cheek, forehead, nose - before heaving out a sigh. fingers threaded through the other’s dark locks, pushing away stray hair that covered his best friend’s eyes. their lips easily reconnected in a drunken haze. stop. you’ll hurt him, he told himself, focused on keeping his breathing steady, to drown out the thumping in his ears. heartbeat. bass. heartbeat. bass.
the voice at the back of jeonghan’s head grew louder: this was nothing.
the sound that escaped from mingyu, however, was an unfamiliar one. before jeonghan could react - he wasn’t about to say anything, really; save for maybe give mingyu a curious glance in place of completely pulling away - mingyu had already scrambled backwards. jeonghan instinctively reached out, mouth open in an attempt to warn him about the door, only to wince when he was too late.
“are you okay?” it came out scratchy, hoarse. jeonghan cleared his throat, pushing himself off the floor to help his friend up. “alright, come on.” with a click of his tongue, he slung mingyu’s arm around his shoulder, arm around the other’s waist to hoist him up. he dragged his intoxicated friend into the nearby bathroom with some struggle, height and weight differences and all. once inside, he kicked the door shut behind him, the sound of music and chattering muted behind the thick walls. there was evident amusement in his tone when he said, “fucking christ, gyu.”
when did you become so unpredictable?
he wished that closing his eyes will erase everything. but the only thing it did, as he staggered to stand up, was replay the scene over and over again. it seemed that his mind had saved that kiss, compiled it among the many kisses they shared, and glorified it in his mind. apart from his drunken state, it was something mingyu didn’t know he truly wanted at that time. that closeness, gentleness and overwhelming desperation. “i’m okay,” he whispered shakily, clinging onto jeonghan who was much shorter. he was also considerably heavier but he wasn’t sober enough to be considerate of the other. in these rare times that he depended on jeonghan, he could feel his chest constrict. it was sad that he didn’t have the words -- or did he? and he was merely rendered by fear -- to describe what these emotions were.
he immediately collapsed on his knees and grasped the toilet bowl (gross) and emptied today’s meals and liquid inside of it. it smelled horrific and it’s one of the reasons why he despised being drunk. it took a while, stopping and then puking again, before he felt too tired and too disgusted with himself to stand up. mingyu lay down on the cold bathroom floor -- hopefully clean -- and covered his eyes with the back of his hand. his heart still thrummed in his chest and he couldn’t hear anything but that.
“jeonghan ah, who was that guy?” he asked. he couldn’t hear his own voice. by this point, he was tired and reality was slowly sinking in. that wasn’t the first time he’d seen jeonghan with someone. he was with hyeri, right? and oh god hyeri...what would she think about everything? mingyu let out a pained noise. too much time had passed when they thought this was okay. surely, at this point, mingyu would have been certain of his sexual attraction towards men. but no one even came close to jeonghan.
you’re drunk, mingyu. drunk makes you brave. so do it. do it before the effect wears off.
he realized now, after that kiss, that he would want more. that he would break apart two people who meant every thing to him. he realized slowly and surely that this had to end. if no one ended it, mingyu would just selfishly claim jeonghan for himself. “it doesn’t even matter,” he said, dismissing his question. he sat up, looking at the pristine checkered floor. “you were probably experimenting with him, too, aren’t you?” his voice shook, hating how he wanted to throw up at his own words. “i don’t think i can--” i don’t think i can hold back. “i can do it...” i can do it for as long as you want. “anymore.” fingers curled into a tight ball, shaking as he fought the urge to take back the words he just said.
let’s end it because i’m scared.
but let me have a last time check.
mingyu looked at jeonghan, and promised to himself that for the last time, he will allow himself to look at him the way he did when the other wasn’t looking. the look of simple adoration and pure love that blossomed from friendship. mingyu was certain that these feelings wouldn’t leave him the next day while hungover. it wasn’t that easy, he knew, and that was why he had to do it now with the effects of alcohol still in his system making him braver but not any less in love.
time check: i’m still hoping we’ll be more than this. a social experiment to find out whether the other is gay. an experiment with elements such as stolen kisses, hand holding, whispered maybe’s and what ifs, drunk make out sessions and the ‘l’ word threatening to spill in between kisses.
