manya

overthinking coupled with grappling for a sense of normalcy and seeking footing in a descending world

[accio-personality]

'sup

created this blog to blur the lines between exploring myself and being judged. its still a work in progress tho. it'll be a work in progress forever.

[accio-personality]

temporary permanence exists

came home last night from my favourite restaurant, washed my hands, did my whole skincare routine, changed, got into bed... but there was still this lingering smell of the best tasting sushi sauce i've ever had (imo) on my fingertips that infiltrated my senses when i tucked my hands under my head.

in my sleepy, dreamy, pleasantly exhausted state, my thoughts tumbled into the deep corners of my mind, making me realise that the best things in our lives never cease to exist. may it be their smell, their taste, their feel, their consequences or simply their very memory- it becomes an innate part of you. Things that we deem short term and transient often turn out to be inherently indefinite and perennial.

what is our soul but an amalgamation of every single thing we have ever loved or treasured?

[accio-personality]

born to pick flowers, forced to pick a major

my family had a few guests over the other day, and i was already dreading it, but then the moment came when the home-invaders asked their favourite question "what are you planning on doing with your career after school/college?"

externally, i smiled politely. internally, my unkept nails were tearing at my overgrown hair, my silent scream was stuck in my raw throat, my thoughts were numb except help help help until i spiralled.

how unfair, how unjust, how incredibly pressurized is the system of our world today? we are given at most two years to decide the next four decades of our life, and if we somehow, miraculously, tragically mess up right now, it will haunt us for the rest our miserable lives. its depressing how i have to spend my time sitting in front of a screen, researching possible careers and jobs which will end up with me sitting in front of another screen, with none, absolutely nil, scope of change or escape.

is this what we, as humans, were meant to turn out like? brainwashed, wasted, completely dried out as we follow each other in a single, endless stream of scripted success? why, when i say that i want be an artist, am i told that i wont survive this economy? this economy, that is structured to thwart anything that probably won't bring profit and advocate everything that will. why are we so out of touch with what we inherently want, and so so so consumed with what we need to do?

there's a lot of gaps and cracks in my argument but god, i just want to live the way i want to, and defy any social rules or corporate ranks that threaten to swallow me whole like the others.

forgive me, Lord (and society), for i have yearned.

[accio-personality]

been feeling very akdskjkakjewenoinvieoijsk (lowercase intended) lately

[accio-personality]

go complete your duolingo lesson

i was talking to a stranger the other day, but we both spoke different languages, because i live in a pretty diverse region. the exchange was regarding something as simple as asking them when the next train was due (at least, that's what i think i asked) but they couldn't understand me and i couldn't understand them.

Then in that sticky yet air-conditioned heat, i felt the significance and necessity of language weigh down upon me. Language, grammar, interactions are one of the fundamental aspects, if not the only, that constantly propel humans forward on the path to creation.

The curse of the Tower of Babel was the severest punishment that divinity could bestow upon us. what is worse than having the one thing that separates humankind from all other living forces snatched away completely? the ability to communicate, the power of the resulting unity, the impact of the ideas and development that stem from it.

May this curse never find you.

[accio-personality]

you ever just..

i was in school, sitting at my favourite desk, surrounded by my favourite people when, out of the blue, this inexplicable, heavy and suffocating feeling of nostalgia swallowed me whole. Though I'm not even an adult yet, in that moment, i felt as if I'd lived three quarters of my life and didn't deserve even half of it. Someday I won't be seeing my best friends on a daily basis. Someday I won't be living in the same place, in the same routine. How long until I trace my fingers over my first wrinkle, until I run a comb through my first strand of gray hair? Why do I feel this way, when I have more to look forward to than to look back on? Why am I borrowing nostalgia from the future and embedding it in my feelings right now?