Aceing Fostering while Transitioning

An asexual cis woman and a bisexual trans woman wants to foster/adopt in the Deep South. This should get interesting.

[acefostertrans]

Hey there! I just wanted to drop by and say I hope everything is going well for you guys! :)

Thank you Anon. We're in one piece, though we'll see tomorrow how home faired.

-S

[acefostertrans]

Sorry for not much updates. Not much news going on. This is a photo of Tinker and my younger niece at my parents house - their week project with my parents was to set up this pool. We finally submitted the forms to get the online schooling started so that should pick up in a week or 2. The other fun project I’ve been working on is finding community groups for teens that are not religious or school based. Apparently after the age of 14 or so everyone assumes your teen will be involved in school sports/clubs so there doesn’t need to be any independent groups anymore. Just ugh.

Don’t know what this blog will be really at this point. I guess it will turn into a homeschool drama blog since we won’t be partisipating in foster care directly until we get Tinker launched into adulthood. So everyone is welcome to stick around but not much actual foster care drama anymore. -A

[heroesoflightandshadow-deactiva]

hey, for science, could you guys reblog this and put in the tags

where you live

 the language you speak most often

what you call a tiny, overpriced grocery store on a street corner where you go when you just need a carton of milk or a candy bar or something

[bujnik]

Connecticut, USA.

English.

Corner store.

[acefostertrans]

Panhandle of Florida, USA

English

I use jiffy store/gas station interchangibly.

[acefostertrans]

Family reunion this past week in North Carolina. Went white water rafting this week. It was a miracle, the teen managed to have actual fun....and admitted to having fun too! Can't wait until I can print these photos off! -A

[acefostertrans]

Updates!

Got an emergency counseling session for Tinker Wednesday and that helped get her back on track emotionally. Today she graduated 8th grade and was given the 6th-8th grade yearbooks by her principal. Right now she is a special Krav Maga class the martial arts school is doing tonight that my parents gifted her the fee for graduation. We gifted her an Amazon Fire tablet. Obviously objects and gifts don't fix depression, but I hope she can see the love behind these gifts. Another development is that we might do online high school. One of her favorite teachers is going back to school herself so she won't be teaching class. This teacher has a simular history as Tinker so they have really connected this year. She has offered to personally tutor Tinker while she takes the online school in exchange for her babysitting her kids. We have already had a sit down conversation about this and we are doing to try it. Tinker has faced so much harassment at school that I think at least a year or so break would do her good. Whether she completes it online or does just enough to get caught back up to her age level I think this will be a good change of pace. We will just have to see if she keeps up with the school work since it is much more self motiviated, but her teacher cares deeply for her and will hold her accountable. -A

[acefostertrans]

Bio Family is Cancelled

Apparently some of Tinkers bio family has told her recently that she should of reported her abuse when she was 9, now we are on suicide/self harm watch. I am angry at myself for letting myself trust a single one of them for a fucking second. I fucked up.

[acefostertrans]

She sparred and got second place for her forms!

[acefostertrans]

At the Martial Arts Competition Now

After nearly 2 hours of her going back and forth, I got her instructors to talk to her today. They told her that they want to compete for their school or they will be disappointed. She loves her instructors so much and wants their respect so badly - she even told me that she withholds asking questions in class because she wants them to see her as a quick learner. (How precious!) But after the fear of disappointment and striking a deal that I will get her a new shirt she will now compete with sparring. Whatever it takes to cure the mystery illness, right? But it is about half an hour before her age group competes. She is going to do great now that she has the motivation to get up there. -A

[acefostertrans]

The Drama was Saved for Momma

So Tinker is a fairly active kid who has boundless energy. As people following this blog knows, we have been doing martial arts for about 5 months now, and she is doing really great. She is about to have her first martial arts competition. She is unsure if she wants to do no-contact sparring. I told her that she will be really proud to push herself and feel really accomplished by stepping outside of her comfort zone a little.

This past week she has sprung up with a mystery illness that makes her abs hurt that apparently “I rember always having these pains daily since I was baby.” Which is utter bullshit she has had physicals and has a clean bill of health. Before this week she would stay after class and have sit up competitions with our classmates. I try and tell her that if she is having pain it is likely muscle fatigue from all the sit ups and just that puberty sucks and some days existing hurts. Nope, it’s how she has daily pains since she was born that is mysteriously blocking her from no-contact sparring, but not from the much more physical martial art forms she wants to participate in. I try tell her how this mysterious hasn’t inhibited before until she was a little intimidated by the sparring, but then she explodes at me for not believing her I wasn’t there from her day one, the doctor doesn’t know anything, and other 16 year old bullshit that physically pains me to listen to.

I don’t know how to go about this. I know she is just scared to do it and trying to grasp at straws for a “reason.” I know part of this is from no one pushing or believing in her before, but man I’m just trying to find an angle to get her to see how great she is. Even our martial arts instructor pulled her to the side and told her that she has some of the best techniques in her rank in our class and would be proud to have her compete for his school.

And don’t get me started on our family reunion in 2 weeks. We are staying in North Carolina, about 20 mins from the Tennessee border. Tinker has family that lives on the coastal side of NC. Apparently because of the family litterally hundreds of miles away she says she will have a miserable time and hates that she is going, that if the house we were renting was just in TN then she could possibly open her mind to having some fun. But nope, “I want to have fun, I really do believe me, but I’ve been to and know all of NC and cannot stand any of it.”

The drama is so strong this week I can’t even. I keep telling her she will enjoy herself whether she likes it or not lol.

-A

[casdcan]

real talk my mom never invaded my privacy, always knocked and waited for my “come in” instead of barging into my room, never tried to read my texts or journals or notes, and I always came to her with sensitive subjects; to the point of telling her I lost my virginity the /day/ I lost my virginity

what I’m saying is: respect your kids’ privacy and they will come to you with shit you’re worried about them doing

[soandsuch]

Important!

And then if you do snoop I would add that when your kiddos are in their 20s please don’t alternate between:

a) pretending you never invaded their privacy b) blaming them for leaving their journal in obvious places or for always saying “don’t come in” in a way that made you only hear the “come in” part 🙄OR c) forgetting what you learned by snooping and what you learned normally and then bringing up sensitive subjects insisting they told them to you and don’t remember

[bujnik]

You might feel differently when you have teenagers.

And I don’t “invade” their privacy. The cell phone belongs to me. The laptop belongs to me. Their bedroom is in the house I own. My kids know I have their passwords and can look through messages and stuff when I feel the need to.

It’s not them I don’t trust, it’s other people in a very sick world that I need to keep an eye out for.

[randythegaymercub]

Nah, you’re invading their privacy. You’re being a helicopter parent. I can guarantee that your kids are not at all being themselves, they’re just putting up a front to keep you from “feeling the need” to look through THEIR personal lives.

You can say you bought/pay for the phone, you can say that you bought the laptop, but you’ve given these devices to them for them to use, but what they’re doing on those devices? Honestly that’s none of your business. Do I need to tell you the number of times I was petrified that my parents would figure out that the number saved in my phone as “Sarah from Lit Class” was actually a guy named Jason that I had met on campus and had a thing for? How about the number of times that I deleted full conversations and apps every night before bed because I was terrified my parents would snoop in the middle of the night and find out I was gay? Maybe instead I should tell you about how I downloaded (and learned how to hide) a second texting app on my phone just so I could text my best friend and tell them about how I was scared for my future because I felt a ton of pressure from my parents to have the rest of my life figured out by the time I graduated, but I didn’t even know what I wanted my major to be and so I felt worthless?

If you want trust and respect from your children, you have to also give it to your children. Being an overbearing parent and not giving any space to your children under the guise of “they’re my devices/it’s my house, so I should have access to any of it whenever I feel a need to” is doing nothing short of making them afraid to express anything about themselves other than the perfect image for them that you’ve made in your head. And trust me, it takes YEARS to reverse that.

Source: my own life.

[bujnik]

If you’re not a parent then your opinion on this is completely invalid in my book.

[acefostertrans]

Our daughter prior to her being placed with us had innaproparate history with phone usage and we monitor it. We have had to remove the phone for bra and panties photos sent to the boyfriend that she was also trying to hide. We had to really reestablish trust before allowing her to have the phone again. Before she broke her smart phone I was at the point where I would just briefly skim the texts just looking for key words. I honestly don't care about middle school social drama of who broke up with who, I just need to make sure she isn't sending nude photos or hiding inappropriate relationships with people 2 years younger than her. (which there is a huge difference between 14 and 16)

-A

[acefostertrans]

I'm joining the bandwagon.

[acefostertrans]

So Tinker and I get into a stupid teen arguement. The basics of it was that I am holding her to her 16 year old status for expectations of behavior, disregarding she is in 8th grade surrounded by 13 year olds. She then brings up how I told her I want her to be a kid and do kid things and the behavior was apparently part of that. I explained that I meant like, to be a kid by dancing to her music videos, hanging out with friends, etc not making bad choices. She continues to be moody and sulks for a while.

A few minutes later she comes back with “Dancing is not fun, it is a lifestyle!! Most people who dance do it for their job it’s not fun or a hobby!!” She said it in this tone of voice like “yeah, I told you what’s what!”

It took everything in my power not to just laugh in her face. I’ll remember this one to tell her when she is older haha

-A

[acefostertrans]

The dryer broke

This wouldn't be a problem to just put the clothes outside until I get paid next week and can afford one, but it is going to rain the rest of the week. The nearest laundromat is about 20 mins away. So we get to be super classy people and have wet clothes hanging all over the house. UUGGHH

[acefostertrans]

Tonight was a night that trauma ruled the roost, that trauma is always just below the surface and given the right circumstances it will bubble over. Being a teen is hard enough by itself, let alone trying to heal from trauma as extensive as hers. But she is so good and wonderful, even if it takes until I leave this world to have her see that in herself I will not consider my time with her wasted. -A

[acefostertrans]

I have blackmail for at least a decade now.

[acefostertrans]

Mothers Day

This will be my first one. I feel at odds celebrating the fact we are mothers due to Tinkers bio mother failing her and we had to step up. On the other hand, we did step and she has grown so much emotionally since her first day here. I don't know how to feel. -A

[acefostertrans]

Root Canal

So I am a dental assistant. Last year we did a filling on Tinker that basically had a 50/50 chance of it needing a root canal in the future. Yesterday afternoon the tooth decided that it wanted a root canal. It almost made it to the most popular time for a tooth to start hurting, Friday afternoon once all the offices are closed. Got her on antibiotics until we will get her in. So I get to do a root canal and crown on my kid Monday afternoon. Joy. But it also sucks to see her with a heating pad to her face, I see everyday how much toothaches suck ass. Uugghhh -A