4th Advent Before Christmas
Final part. (Check for Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3). Have a Merry Christmas!
Yasu closed the cupboard and checked the one next to it.
He felt bad for going through the kitchen of someone else that shamelessly, but he figured Hyde wouldn’t have a problem with it once he woke up. After all, he seemed to feel misplaced in his own apartment as well. Both of them were strangers at this home.
“Ah, finally”, yasu mumbled and took out two white cups from the shelf.
Even the dishes looked weirdly impersonal at Hyde’s place. You might get served out of these cups at a café, too. There was no colour to them, that someone had chosen due to their liking. There were no desperately-funny pictures on them, either, that proved they had once been a gift of someone clueless of what else to give. There were no logos on them, because they had joined this household as a promotional gift. They were just plain white as if their creator had forgotten to add a story to them.
He poured coffee into the cups. Hyde owned a very expensive coffee machine, that had taken yasu ages to figure out how to even switch it on. The coffee smelled decent, though. He assumed Hyde would be thankful for it.
It was almost noon already and yasu had tried to gather something for breakfast as well, but the insides of the refrigerator had been astonishingly random. He had found some carrots in there, tomato sauce, a six-pack of cheap beer, soy milk and garlic that clearly belonged somewhere else. He had reached the conclusion that they should rather grab something to eat outside.
Yasu took up the two cups and entered the living room.
Hyde was curled up on the black couch in a way that made him look even smaller and frailer than he already was. He was wrapped up in a red blanket. Hyde had pulled it out of one of the cupboards last night and yasu thought that it was the only thing in his apartment that really looked used. The fabric was thin in the middle; fraying at the edges. At least, the blanket seemed to have a history – a story, of how it had ended up that way.
“Hey”, yasu said softly and put down the cups on the coffee table.
Hyde let out a quiet groan and shifted on the couch.
Obviously, he had been awake more or less already.
Yasu sat down on the floor cross-legged. His face was eye-level with Hyde now as he rolled to the side and blinked at yasu sleepily.
“Good morning, yasu”, he mumbled, his voice slurring. “You still here?”
“Yep”, yasu said and nodded towards the steaming cups on the table. “And I made coffee.”
“You figured out how to use the coffee machine?”, Hyde assured and sat up. Yasu had to tilt back his head to keep looking at his face. “That sounds like a Christmas miracle.”
Yasu snorted.
“It wasn’t that hard”, he said. “Though I didn’t know that water could actually catch fire.”
Hyde shook his head very slightly and took up a cup of coffee. Steam was still rising from it, so yasu assumed it was still hot, but Hyde drank in large, greedy gulps.
“I’ll think of something funny to reply after my second cup, alright?”, he said, lowering the cup.
He was holding it with both hands, but it still looked large between his fingers He wasn’t just holding it. He was holding on to it. The cup seemed more solid than Hyde.
“Take your time”, yasu said and took up his coffee as well.
He liked the feeling of holding a warm cup better than he liked drinking coffee, though.
“What happened last night?”, Hyde wanted to know and furrowed his brow at the red blanket. “I don’t remember, it’s like I passed out.”
His eyes looked small with sleep, still, and dark smudges of makeup had appeared around his lashes that had been almost invisible last night. It always happened to yasu, too, no matter how throughout he removed the makeup, it always reappeared the next morning. Hyde’s skin looked very smooth.
“Well, you did pass out”, yasu said with a small smile. “We were arguing like ›you take the bed‹, ›no, no, you take the bed‹ and before we could agree on anything, you fell asleep on the couch.”
Hyde let go of the cup with one hand to rub his face with it. It looked as if he was trying to reanimate his skin, as if he could massage life and feeling back into it.
“I’m sorry”, Hyde said.
Yasu shook his head.
“It’s alright”, he said. “Your bed is comfy.”
“Ah”, Hyde mumbled and sat up a little straighter.
He made a face as if he wanted to indicate the protests of his back.
“Sleeping on the couch isn’t as easy as it used to be, is it?”
“I wouldn’t have minded sharing the bed”, yasu pointed out.
He still wasn’t sure how he felt about the fact that Hyde had urged him to sleep separately. Yasu felt too old for taking his time. He also felt too old for rushing things, either. He wanted them to develop naturally. But Christmas was close and he didn’t really know how long the natural way would take them.
Hyde bent forward and placed the obviously empty cup on the coffee table. For a moment, he looked at it longingly, as if he hoped it would magically refill itself.
Yasu held out his own cup. The steam was already ceasing to rise from it, but he hadn’t taken a sip yet. Yasu liked holding on to a cup of coffee. He liked the smell. He even liked the process of making it. He liked the promise that he would feel more awake after drinking it. Mostly, he liked the idea of coffee.
“Take mine”, he offered.
Hyde hesitated for a brief second, but then he seemed to realize that yasu really meant it. He took the cup and started drinking again immediately.
When he lowered the cup, the corner of his mouth was curled slightly downwards, as if displeased and trying not to let it show. Yasu mused that Hyde preferred his coffee burning hot.
“Thanks”, Hyde said anyway. “And thanks for last night.”
Yasu smacked his lips, not sure what to say to that.
“You don’t have to thank me”, me clarified.
“I do”, Hyde insisted. “For showing up in the middle of the night. For cheering me up. For staying.”
Yasu wondered if Hyde was grateful for the kissing, too. Maybe that was what he meant by cheering him up. Yasu wished he had mentioned it, though. He wished he would have gotten some clarity, if last night had been a messed up date or whiskey and loneliness.
“Just don’t sue me”, he said and nodded over to the new paintings on the wall. “I’m not a very good interior decorator it seems.”
They looked cheerful, but not as appropriate as they had seemed last night. The bright daylight changed them into something else. Now, the sloppiness of the lines showed clearly and the white of the walls all around seemed to close in on the pictures. They looked misplaced now and like they needed company. Not so much the company of other pictures, but the company of things in general – things that had a story to tell. The pictures resembled two single poems inside a furniture catalogue.
“It’s alright”, Hyde said seriously and put down the second cup as well. “At least you were cheap.”
“Oh, you don’t know cheap, unless you’ve seen me in my leather pants”, yasu joked.
He couldn’t recall the last time he had actively tried to flirt with someone. He felt stiff about it, like he might have gotten out of practice. For a while, sexual jokes had come to yasu as naturally as breathing. Nowadays, his replies didn’t sound so smooth anymore.
He was glad that Hyde chuckled, though. His chest tingled slightly. He had forgotten, too, how it felt when you really meant it.
“I wasn’t referring to you as a person, rather to your service”, Hyde said.
His voice was sounding more awake now, almost cheerful.
“You weren’t pleased with my service?”, yasu teased, looking up to Hyde through his lashes.
“I was very pleased with your service”, Hyde corrected, dragging out the syllables without looking away from yasu. “I just think there is still room for improvement, room to go up.”
“Aah”, yasu said and stretched his arms. “I actually prefer going down.”
This time, Hyde snorted out loudly and turned his head.
“You haven’t changed a bit in the last twenty years, yasu”, he observed.
“I did”, yasu said and kept his eyes fixed on Hyde. “My technique became flawless. And I’m not talking about the singing here.”
Hyde turned his head away. Yasu would have sworn that his cheeks coloured slightly.
“You did change”, Hyde confirmed. “You became bolder.”
“I was shy around you back then”, yasu admitted.
Just looking at Hyde directly for too long had made him nervous. He hadn’t imagined he would have dared to cause Hyde to blush.
“You are not shy anymore, that’s for sure”, Hyde said and looked at yasu again.
His eyes looked awake and attentive now after two cups of coffee. The strands of his hair were entangled in a way that only happened when you went to sleep with moist hair. Combing it would be a real pain.
“What do you want to do today?”, Hyde asked, all of a sudden changing the subject – or rather sticking to the subject, if yasu had answered honestly.
For a moment, he smiled to himself, fighting down the urge to make another sexual joke.
“I thought we could go shopping for Christmas presents”, he suggested. “That means, if you haven’t done so already.”
Hyde groaned and closed his eyes. He shook his head.
“No, I wasn’t even planning on doing so this year. I thought I’d just order something online last minute for the people I really have to give something to and ignore all the others.”
“Perfect”, yasu announced. “We can do it together then and I’ll help you. For the good old times.”
Hyde put on a grin and folded back the blanket.
“Alright then”, he agreed. “Just let me get dressed first.”
He slipped his bare feet into the white slippers next to the couch. He had very small feet. Yasu wondered how such small feet were able to carry a human being at all. But then, Hyde was a pretty small human being.
“Okay”, he admitted, leaning back without getting up from the floor as Hyde stood. “As long as you dress in something sexy for me.”
“Man”, Hyde said and turned around with a little swirl, before walking off to the bedroom. He was grinning. His grin was boyish, still. “You are really asking for it this morning.”
Yasu shrugged and put on an innocent smile – or at least a smile as innocent as he was capable of; which, admittedly, wasn’t very innocent at all.
“It’s a date”, he reminded Hyde.
Hyde nodded.
Yasu looked after him and got up from the floor. The youthful energy that had put him in the mood for flirting, hadn’t reached his body quite yet. Maybe it would, though, during the day. Like when he took Hyde home after their date again. His body would surely feel full of energy by then.
He reached for the red blanket and folded it neatly, where Hyde had just dropped it onto the couch carelessly. Then he took up the two empty cups, carrying them over to the kitchen sink. He wasn’t the tidiest person himself, but he had already been in the bath before making coffee and now had nothing else to do while waiting for Hyde.
He wondered if Hyde was really going to put on something sexy for him. The thought made yasu feel weirdly excited.
Of course, the excitement wasn’t strange in itself. It was the same fluttering in the chest, the same dropping of the stomach, the strange numbness of hands, because they suddenly seemed too heavy and always got in the way and you no longer knew what to do with them, the same feeling altogether that always took hold of him whenever he liked someone.
And it was even normal to feel it before a date with Hyde – the Hyde, the one he had always admired.
What made the excitement weird, was the complete lack of it last night. Even when they had met at the café, yasu had not felt exactly excited. Happy to see Hyde, happy that he had called. Hopeful, that this time it might work out for them. Scared, that maybe it wouldn’t work out for them this time either. Nervous, about saying the wrong thing. Sad for having wasted so much time. Sentimental for their younger selves. Tired. But never excited.
Yasu wasn’t sure if he had forgotten to be excited, or if he just hadn’t been hopeful enough for it. You needed to believe in something to get excited about it. He wasn’t sure, if he had believed in Hyde and himself.
When he had woken in his bed this morning, though, yasu had found himself believing.
The sun had been bright, for he had slept in late, too. And the bed sheets had smelled of Hyde. And weirdly enough, yasu had felt completely at home.
“You don’t have to do that”, a voice interrupted him and yasu turned around.
His hands were still wet from cleaning the coffee cups. He looked around for a towel, but didn’t spot one. His fingertips were dripping.
Hyde was standing in the doorway to the kitchen. He had put on leather pants with lacing at the front as well as a silk shirt. Yasu suddenly felt very underdressed.
“Wow, you took that serious”, yasu observed. “Those clothes are way too sexy. We might cause an uproar on the street.”
“It’s a date”, Hyde reminded him in return and walked over to one of the cupboards.
He got out a white towel – even the kitchen towels were white at Hyde’s place – and handed it to yasu.
Yasu took it and dried his hands. He was taking his time to do so, scanning Hyde throughout from head to toe.
“I feel almost bad for not dressing up”, yasu said apologetic and gestured towards his own body.
He was still wearing the dark jeans and the fluffy black sweater he had worn last night. Of course, he hadn’t come over to Hyde’s place completely rundown, but he looked ready rather for a lazy day in than for an actual date.
“You look sexy anyway”, Hyde said.
He seemed to store some additional confidence in his closet as well. Yasu couldn’t say that he minded him talking like that.
Hyde took a step towards him. Yasu was still holding on the kitchen towel, indecisive what to do with it. He held it up between them like a protective shield now, although that was pretty ridiculous. Usually, yasu was one for attack, not defence.
Hyde took the towel from yasu’s hands and placed it onto the kitchen counter. While usually, he would watch his surroundings closely – even following his own motions with his eyes – he now kept his gaze on yasu. For a change, he wasn’t distracted by anything and being looked at by him had a strange effect on yasu. Under Hyde’s eyes, he felt more present, more real. Lately, he had felt like disappearing too much.
He hadn’t been aware of it, but a small part of yasu missed the publicity and missed the fans. He had never liked it much to be looked at by so many, as if the stares could wear him out eventually. But when they didn’t look at him at all, he felt forlorn and forgotten. How to be sure of your own existence, if no one was watching. Yasu figured, that the goal was to have very few people look at you so intensely, you didn’t need to be afraid of vanishing, and not afraid of wearing down, because their gaze was so gentle and careful.
Hyde was looking at him that way now.
“Hey”, yasu said quietly.
“Hey”, Hyde mumbled back and leaned in.
Last night, it was yasu who had kissed him. Years ago, it was Hyde who had waited to be kissed. Yasu wasn’t sure why he had changed his mind now.
He closed his eyes and allowed Hyde to kiss him gently. It wasn’t a passionate kiss, no gasps, no greed, no tongue and teeth and hunger. But it lasted too long to be just a peck, either, and yasu’s chest fluttered again. No fear and no insecurity and no regret. Just excitement. He smiled against Hyde’s lips.
Hyde pulled back.
“You know, actually”, yasu said. “We don’t have to go out at all.”
His head felt dizzy. Hyde was standing close.
“What about the Christmas presents?”, Hyde asked.
Up this close, yasu could see the lines on his face again. The weariness from last night hadn’t disappeared, even though they could pretend to not see it for a little while. He looked different from how he had looked back then. The feeling had stayed the same, though. Yasu was surprised at how little it had changed.
“You said yourself, that you weren’t planning on going shopping this year”, he reminded Hyde. “And there is still enough time anyway. We could go another time.”
“And do what instead?”, Hyde asked. His voice sounded playful.
Yasu reached up, letting his fingers slide down Hyde’s chest until they reached his waist. The silk of his shirt was smooth and cool. Yasu could feel the outlines of Hyde’s body underneath. He pulled him a little bit closer, still.
“I’d have a few suggestions”, he whispered.
Hyde chuckled and leaned in. He turned his head sideways and placed a short kiss on yasu’s neck. He was leaning against him, his body warm and frail. Yasu wondered if Hyde could hear his heartbeat. It was loud now.
“I’m not really the type to do it after just one date”, Hyde said lowly.
His hair was combed now and very straight. The strands were tingling yasu’s cheek. They felt soft.
“Christmas shopping ten years ago”, yasu said. “The café. Last night. This morning. It’s four dates, basically.”
Hyde laughed and yasu could sense the vibration of his body all over. Then Hyde stepped back.
“This morning?”, he repeated incredulous.
Yasu pulled back the hands from his waist to give a most innocent shrug.
“I made you coffee”, he said.
Hyde tilted back his head and laughed. Even when he was laughing for real, not just chuckling under his breath, it still sounded quiet and gentle. Even his laughter seemed scared to disturb the peace of his surroundings.
“Take me out properly and I’ll think about it, okay?”, he suggested and took another step backwards.
Yasu rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t hide his smile entirely.
There was no need to take things slow, but no need to rush them, either. They would go with what felt right. Admittedly, having sex right now on the kitchen floor didn’t feel exactly wrong to yasu, either, but he more or less agreed that it wouldn’t be the most reasonable decision. The reasonable decision was to go on a real date, and at the end of it, to kiss Hyde and see where that led. They had been friends for so long already, the dating procedure could be cut short. But there should be something of a dating procedure to begin with.
“Fine”, yasu agreed and walked past Hyde towards the door. “Let’s go. The faster we find presents, the sooner I’m going to try myself with unlacing those pants.”
Hyde laughed once more and when he followed yasu, his hand was casually brushing yasu’s lower back. It was a tender gesture, not quite guiding, not quite by accident. He just seemed to make sure that yasu was still there. Yasu thought that felt nice. Just like Hyde’s eyes, his touch made him feel very present.
“Do you need presents for a lot of people?”, yasu asked and looked for his coat.
He couldn’t quite remember where he had placed it last night. Eventually, he found it hanging right next to the front door.
“Don’t get me started”, Hyde said with a sigh. “There seem to be more people each year. I don’t care about most of them, but I don’t want to be rude. Since I’m working with most of them, it might get back to me, if I don’t get them anything. What to buy for someone you hardly know?”
“Socks”, yasu said with determination.
Hyde laughed.
He was looking at his shoes, not at yasu. He bent forward as if he wasn’t planning to wear them, but rather start an interrogation. His facial expression was stern.
Yasu smirked while he watched him.
“Alright”, Hyde agreed. “Let’s just get a lot of socks. Everyone likes socks. We’ll be done fast.”
Hyde sat down on the floor.
Yasu snorted.
“What are you doing?”, he wanted to know.
Hyde looked up at him in surprise and for a moment, his face looked as if he had completely forgotten that yasu was still there.
“I’m putting on my shoes”, he explained. “I hate to jump around on one leg.”
He took up the first shoe and put it on. His motions were deliberate, but slow. He had chosen a pair of black boots with slight heels. Obviously, they had passed his silent questioning.
Yasu shook his head and watched Hyde get ready with utter calm while sitting on the floor.
He hadn’t known about this habit of Hyde. It surprised him and made him feel weirdly touched. He loved this part most about dating, he realized. Learning all those small things about someone, the really irritating ones you didn’t notice when only meeting them once in a while. The little backstories that made people who they were. He wanted to hear every story that Hyde had to tell.
“What?” Hyde looked up now, seemingly confused by the look on yasu’s face.
“Nothing”, yasu said. “You are cute.”
He extended his hand and Hyde took it, allowing yasu to pull him to his feet.
“Thanks”, he said.
Yasu wasn’t sure if Hyde had meant the gesture or the compliment.
He opened the front door and stepped outside.
The view was different in daylight. Even from the second floor, you could look out across the neighbourhood.
Yasu stepped outside and inhaled deeply as Hyde locked the door behind himself.
December was mild this year and his breath didn’t form clouds anymore today. The sky was almost colourless, though. It looked both washed-out and very clean at once.
“You should have taken a cap”, yasu said, without turning around to check on Hyde.
“I lost my last one”, Hyde said. “Must have happened somewhere during a tour.”
“Too bad”, yasu said and turned around.
Hyde was wearing the coat again, that seemed slightly too large for his arms. The were dangling down at his sides as if someone had attached them only on second thought.
With the light falling in this angle, nearly blinding, Hyde looked almost like he had looked years ago. His posture was the same, his hair blonde and fluffy and falling into his face. He still looked young. And still, if he looked closely, yasu could spot the new lines, the circles under his eyes, that the sleep of last night hadn’t washed away altogether. He had aged just like yasu had, and stayed much the same, just like yasu had. Both of them had become a little more self-confident, a little more tired, a little more mature. They had learned how to deal with their time, even if they had grown disillusioned, too. In the end, it wasn’t any better nor any worse, yasu concluded.
There were still things to learn about Hyde, like his habits when putting on shoes, or how he would moan when yasu kissed him in a certain way. That probably meant they were still at the beginning; that probably meant they were still young enough to try again. But they were less stupid now – hopefully – and that might mean they had an actual chance.
The chance made yasu feel excited, because – this time around more than ever – he believed in it.
“I still don’t know about my family, though”, Hyde suddenly said.
Obviously, his mind had been on other things.
His eyes were not on yasu, but looking out onto the view behind him. They hadn’t even turned to the staircase yet. But yasu didn’t mind that Hyde wasn’t looking at him right now. Looking at Hyde, he felt present enough already.
“I can’t get them socks, can I?”
Yasu chuckled and extended his hand.
Hyde took it.
They would have to let go of each other, once they hit the street. They didn’t want people to look at them too closely, and they didn’t want the gossip, nor the scandal.
But at least for now, they could hold on to each other. Hyde’s hand felt very warm.
“That’s the good thing about going shopping together now”, yasu said and smiled.
He felt hopeful.
“You don’t have to deal with it alone. We can figure it out together.”