BadTismRants

[acoldandlonelyvoid]

Sad lonely guy discovers feminism through proto-empathy

I’ve been dreaming really wiredly recently, having a lot of really memorable seperate dreams a night and all of them are a Freudian goldmine

I had a dream when I was climbing stonework in an urban area, and I only half acknowledged it that my body was different, it felt right but the centre of gravity was lower and my limbs were thinner, and halfway up my parents look up and say come down and then nag me to be carefull when coming down (i was 5-6m up max) and there were convenient ish footholds and handholds (for a climber) and I got annoyed because then distracting me was making it harder to climb down and I yell shut up, and realise the only reason they are so worried is that I am a woman, and as I make the final drop (barely 1-2m completely manageable even for girl me let alone irl me) it made me soo mad that they were worried about me solely because I was a girl because I had a brother and they let him get away with everything, and it frustrated me soo much. I woke up remembering this dream soo well, I could draw the stonework in the front of the building, I was wearing a T-shirt and loose jeans, with my irl climbing shoes on, I woke up wondering if this is what it would feel like every day for a woman kinda sad that’s what it took to think that

I guess I empathise a lot more with my idea of what being a woman is. then again I doubt it would be that easy to develop working empathy, def feel for my female relatives of a similar age that I imagine would be suffering through shit like this, then again the only example I can think of is one of the best swimmers in her age range so she’s not exactly got her parents worried about her drowning

[acoldandlonelyvoid]

Meditation on the self

I feel like im constantly high or drunk or stoned, I know i should be more than this, but it feels like my mind is in a haze most days, and I get these moments of clarity, when I reach out and touch upon Truths, and suddenly I can think faster, better, more efficently, I solve problems that would have taken days in a matter of minutes, my pen becomes a fountain of inspiration, and then someone breaks me out of my flow state and I fall back to earth. and it kills me every time. its soo bloody annoying

I catch myself thinking things like 'if i wasnt trapped within my own head' or trying to reach out and do things without having to manually move my limbs and do them, Like im reaching for a phantom limb that doesnt exist

I lie in bed at night and commune with beings that are both completely imaginary and completely real, I know im awake because im able to move and break myself out of this state, which I have done many a time, and they tell me things, things that I cannot possibly know are going to happen but then come true hours or days later, I wrote down exactly what was going to happen in my book after Id snapped out of it, and that exact situation happened, Id recieved an email I had no way of knowing was coming but still came and id known before id read it, Id even written down the name before hand, I had never met this woman or even heard of her but I knew her name and that this email was coming

i know these are delusions,

[acoldandlonelyvoid]

Music as a means of emotional regulation

The story is the same

you find a new song, maybe you hear a tiny snippet of it, and it grabs you, it grips you and purs into you, surrounding you with more pure emotion than you can realistically handle, like an ocean surrounding an islet, and if you listen close enough you can just about hear what the writer was thinking when they wrote it, thoughts and feelings alien to you pour in and teach you what feeling normally truly feels like, and you feel like you're a hair from an epiphany, something that will lift you up and make you *more*,

and then the song ends,

You hit replay, and it feels fresh still, that same feeling, but that ocean is just a drop smaller, no, that island just can take less of it in, but it still feels soo incredible that it doesnt matter,

and again

and again

the horrible thing about your brain is that it is plastic, when its receptors get flooded they get less and less sensitive,

so eventually your brain gets worn down, the neurons that once lit up get burnt out, until this song that lifted you up and made you alive becomes noise you can notice every fault in, but none of the beauty it once had

and then you find a new song

and the cycle repeats

// spiral of ants, Tommy boy, Fire with Fire, Pray, CHIHIRO

[acoldandlonelyvoid]

The beast and the alien

I forever stand at the edge of a twin precipice, divine oblivion and martyric existence at my feet an alien mind in an animal body

a decision seems clear, though it grips me with fear for what is charity without witness, the payer standing alone has no honour no debt binding others to himself and yet he is bound deeply to the act, the alien backs away from the edge

To venture into the holy demons mouth it is But what is hell to one like I, oblivion the alternative just as etherial beast disagrees knowing that to end is to not have existed a tree in the woods with no listeners soo it too scrambles from the edge

A choice is nigh to linger up on high its limbs unchained It in finality seems a certainty so the twin beasts are placated screaming, ripping and tearing at each other on that edge someday to swiftly topple but to which side?

Sorrowful cries

Alien Minds Know Much Yet Understand Little

// the rhyme scheme is horrible and the tempo fucked, but i wrote this in a different state of mind and editing it in any mindset other than that feels ingenuine and.. bad

[acoldandlonelyvoid]

Why this blog

well it would probably better to say who I am

I am a socially isolated depressed autistic teenage boy, who is semi-trapped in a toxic institution (I am willingly in it but its definitely not to my benefit).

I do a lot of ranting to my friends over text as cries for help that i do not expect nor consiously desire to be responded to, and I'm worried that it is negatively affecting these relationships and so I am writing this,

Because while I dont want nor need a response, what I do want is a witness, a single soul witnessing my spluttering flame,

I am going to bare my soul to total strangers who dont, will not and cannot know me, there is a good chance i will spiral, this will not have a happy ending, I am occasionally self agrandising, melodramatic to the extreme and definitely not getting help. so, here we are, my first stuff will be some old stuff i dont pass around.

Thank you for your witness