a cyanide dipped pen

[acyanidedippedpen]

011

i can tell so much about you by what you've left unsaid, all your sadness, all your misery, all your longing. as- pointless as this question seems i feel like i should ask you, how are things back home?

it feels like a silly question if im being honest, things are likely still the same as always. i will likely be returning to the █████ in a couple of weeks, however, by the time you get this i will likely already be back.

so take care of the flowers for me alright?

-A.A.K

[acyanidedippedpen]

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."

Winston Churchill

[acyanidedippedpen]

010

of all the tragedies of this world,

I think the greatest one of all was the fact that i still find myself unable to interlock my hands with yours.

i have told you how i fell in love with you correct?

even though it has been so long since i have been able to speak with you, in person that is, i am so clearly able to remember how velvety your voice was and how it was able to bring me from the darkest of days.

i can imagine your mother or father's reaction to these letters, or even the mere concept of this, "moral indecency," in any case, is this not beautiful, that we were able to exchange our feelings all those years ago. and oh how i yearn to be feel the warm touch of your hand upon mine, perhaps in a brighter time we will.

as usual,

-A.M.K

[acyanidedippedpen]

courage is grace under pressure

ernest hemingway

[acyanidedippedpen]

009

isn't it funny how much distance can affect us? we went from waking up in each other's arms to opening up letters mailed from 6000 kilometers (4000~ miles) away                                                                                                                                      hoping that it still conveys the same tone?

how it all went from being able to just let the words flow from our mouths to spending hours, days, sometimes weeks attempting to properly display our affection for the other.

i got used to hearing your voice in the morning                                                          waking up to the smell of coffee and the smoke from your cigar                                i got too used to something that we both knew was never guaranteed 

that's not to say i dont dearly hold onto and revisit those memories, not at all    but i think the unfortunate thing is that we'll never be accepted by our society  not when we were younger, and certainly not now                                                        i suppose society just saw it as two young teenagers just talking, nothing special too it                                                                                                                                  though that's not to say that the people closest to us didn't recognize the signs

i remember anichka telling me that my face used to light up when i saw you, that i always got just a little                                                                                                too excited when i was able to spend any time with you at all

in retrospect, nothing has really changed, aside from the distance of course    but we still exchange words full of love, we still hold each other close, and we still get to wake up to each other's words     

even if we're not there feeling the other's embrace again,                                            i love you more than i know how to put into words

-A.A.K

[acyanidedippedpen]

008

in a world full of infinite lies, infinite possibilities, infinite ways for things to change, go tragically wrong, of everything that could've happened,i ended up meeting you, i ended up getting to interlock my hands with yours.

and oh, how i yearn for these letters to be published in a more liberated time just

so the world could see how in love with are.

because wouldn't that be beautiful? wouldn't that be glorious? for what could be more beautiful than what i feel for each each waking moment?

all the love in the world,

-A.M.C

[acyanidedippedpen]

there is no tenderness equal to tenderness of heart

jane austen

[acyanidedippedpen]

007

the way that you spoke my name, the melodius and,

gentle phrasing, the way you string each letter, each syllable paired together is more beautiful and delicate than any shifting of the stars or any star or ocean out there

my heart aches to be in your arms, to feel how comforting your embrace is, i'm in love with you, you calmed me down in ways i never thought possible i'm in love with you, because you brought a warmth to my life i never knew i could feel i'm in love with you, because your smile brings so much euphoria i can't help but smile with you

we kissed so many times, the stories unfold as we did you can take my life, you can take my soul

                    i just want to be with you

                               -A.A.K

[acyanidedippedpen]

006

ig: @ignaciavrd

when i had pulled back the curtain i don't know what i expected, but it certainly wasn't this

there was someone that i had held dear to me for years, but as something much more valuable than a friend

there was a darling smile on your lips and i cant remember the last time i felt my heart stop like it did in that moment

i could see the stars in your eyes, bright but filled with an infinite sadness there was some form of comfort being able to see how that sadness slowly but surely got replaced with genuine happiness, not the stoic face you put on because that's what our society demanded of us

you were genuinely happy, and that's all i ever wanted for you that's all i ever wanted to see

how your eyes would light up with a joke, how wide your smile was when you laughed, or something as simple as seeing your hands not covered in scars

i think i miss those moments more than i can say, of all the words in our language, of all the languages in the world, i dont think there are any that can effectively describe how i feel around you

                   As always,

                         A.M.C

[acyanidedippedpen]

005

i can vividly remember you asking me who my best friend was, i said that i didn't know. i dont think im able to answer that because different people hold the keys to different parts of my personality. some hold the keys to my heart, some hold the keys to my smile, some hold the keys to my past, some my rawest vulnerability and feelings, some my sin.

so i cant truly explain or state who my best friend is, as different people hold keys to unlock certain parts of me. i could see how much that i hurt you in that moment, i really wish i could take back my words but since i can't i figured it only right to explain myself and my thoughts. some people that may not seem "the closet" to me, may hold some of the "most important" keys, and those who seem the closet to me may not have every key, to unlock every day.

after all, how can they? it's not a failure if someone doesn't have every key to every door, it's okay if someone doesn't have any keys, and it's okay if those closet to us don't have every key. the million-doored mansion that makes up my personality, as you so eloquently put it wont be able to overlap perfectly with anyone, and that's okay.

but i will say this, you hold a single key ring on your hip with lots of keys, clinking together.

                                                                                    to the one holds the keys to my heart,                                                                                                                                                                                       A.A.K

[acyanidedippedpen]

we loved with a love that was more than love

edgar allan poe

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004

looking back at it, i laugh at all the petty fights we've had over the years

i remember when we would awkwardly look at one another,

laughing nervously

i suppose at that point, we had realized that what we were feeling was more than a friendship, more than a strong friendship, as cliché as this we probably realized that we were falling for one another

how i miss that feeling, how i miss how your body would warm the space in the bed that is now empty, 

the flowers and tabbed pages you used to leave when you went out to smoke

i suppose i got too used to them and used to having you next to me, for when i wake up in the morning, my hand reaches out to feel the crinkled and stained paper, but im only left with a cold space next to me

i still catch myself counting down the days till im in your arms again

                                               as always with love,

                                                                                      A.M.C

[acyanidedippedpen]

and so it seems i must always write you letters that i can never send

slyvia plath

[acyanidedippedpen]

003

darling,

im not sure what or how this will end up like, 

i dont know why this ended up the way it did, but i want you to know that i cherish every centimeter of paper you sent my way, every flower, every flash {photo} you send me i keep close. 

give me your hand

though i dont know where ill guide you.

open your eyes

though i dont know what youll see.

listen to the world around you

though i dont know what you'll hear.

give me your heart though

for i know i will love you

i can remember the skies as we sat together on the window sill, the window open as the smell of smoke wafted through the air. 

i still can feel your lips pressed against mine, how your fingers would gently lace with my hair, how our hands would intertwine.

                                          until we're able to meet again,              

                                                                                         A.A.K

[acyanidedippedpen]

002

to my dearest,

you are still in my thoughts, hunting me down at night like a ghost in the catacombs of the past

i cant sleep because the pillow lying next to me is a graveyard for your missing body

the sheets you slept on, the clothes you wore, the flowers you gave me

untouched

waiting for the day you come back to me

sometimes at night, when the moonlight creeps in

i catch myself touching the space next to me

almost like im able to touch you again

searching, hoping for your body to be there

but my fingers only find an empty space,

how i yearn for the day im able to feel your warm breath against my lips                                                                                until then,                 

                                                                                               A.M.C 

[acyanidedippedpen]

001

to the one who lights up my world,

i love you. if there are words that are able to properly express how you make my heart flutter when you interlace your fingers in mine, i havent been able to find them yet.

our love started off slow, simple conversations at the factory which turned into late night conversations, a platonic hug and soon enough we found ourselves feeling something much more than platonic.

we ended up going to ballets together weekly when our families didnt want to go, except we wouldn't go to watch the performance, we went to soak up each other's presence. i remember we would be struggling to keep a neutral expression because it meant we didnt have to pretend.

id like to think that eventually our letters are going to be published in a more accepting time. one that's not so full of hatred and oppression.

sometimes i think this is all in vain, the feelings, the flowers, even the letters i so yearn to receive. then i get to see just how much i missed every single thing about you, and i get to fall in love, over and over again.

with love,       

               A.A.K

[acyanidedippedpen]

the world only exists in your eyes. you can make it as big or as small as you want

Scott F. Fitzgerald