A Digital Diary

Things that probably happened

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Movie: Our Little Sister

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Movie: our little sister

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Blade runner (2049), directed by Denis Villeneuve

“Sometimes to love someone, you got to be a stranger.“

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The magnificent sci-fi themed creations of Sung Choi - https://www.this-is-cool.co.uk/the-magnificent-sci-fi-artworks-of-sung-choi/

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Looking forward to hearing your new updates

I will keep going just for you bb

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so y'all arent fucking with the diary huh

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Wow I just posted all and every update. I reread most of them and first though it damn I am so obessed with women and second I cant write for shit hahah.

Either if you read any of them thank you and new ones are being written right now since I am in a hotel attending my first comic con :)

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Update #33 [unfinished]

Paris

FAYE

What's your favorite anime? she asked. It was almost 2 am but neither of us wanted to go sleep yet "It gotta be Cowboy Bebop"

OMY my toooo she squealed "RIGHT? It's litteraly undefeated. Best thing ever"

I know right.I relate so much to the story of Faye and where she came from. I am basically a real life Faye Valentine I paused for a moment "..huh really you are "I said with an increasing realization sweeping across my face "You really are her"

The good ending I took Monday to just rest. Chillout and do nothing for the day. And I did. I can't even remember what I did besides being in a dc call with Mr. Verm and Spacepanda at some point. I can't even remember what we were talking about. Somethings about racism, showers and dookies. Not that I was paying close attention. I was ironing my stuff and getting flamed by may for starting to pack the night of. I made sure to take everything I needed while I was bitching about ironing. I took one pair of pants. A couple shirts. Enough underwear and socks. And my coat. oh and a pair of crocs. I went to sleep at a reasonable hour and woke up at 6 am as always. No matter what I do I always wake up between 6-7 am So I laid in bed for an hour or so before deciding I need to get up. I was up a half hour early but I was getting hungry. But I woke up on time. I could eat, shower and have a half hour left for a 12 min bike ride to the train station. I double checked the timing on the train just to be sure. Only to discover to my horror that my train got canceled. Meaning I would miss my only bus to Paris. I first called up Matt but he sadly mentioned that his mom already took the car to work. I quickly said thanks and called up tom instead.

Hey

Hey Tom how does it sound to be my savior today????

Huh wassup. Tom sounded like he was already up but not fully awake just yet

I need a ride plssss. All th trains are canceled and I need to not miss my bus.

Huh uhhh sure. Like when

Not to sound like a prick but basically right now?

..uuuh sure. Let me get up and I will be on my way

20 Minutes later I stepped into his car while thanking him profusely. He was suppose to babysit his new puppy but got his older brother to do so. I thanked him and promised him to get him whatever he wants from Paris. He said he wished another art book with a lot of big pictures. I promised he would get the best one money could buy. We drove to the City and I thanked him some more before running to the bus. The bus ride wasn't anything exciting which I could very much appreciate. After a while I arrived in Paris.

I had some trouble buying like a ticket for the metro. Their system didn't make anything sense to me. So I just got a one way ticket to my dest and figured I would bother with the rest later. THe first day I was also so sacred of looking like a tourist and getting robbed. I just kept moving as fast as I could and didn't talk to anyone. Except for this one very confused lady that asked me where something was. And oh boy. She litteraly couldn't have picked a worse person from a sea of people to ask for directions. I vaguely gestured I didn't know and put my headphones back on. But then I noticed she wouldn't ask anyone else and kept staring at here phone giving directions. As my metro was arriving I took a quick glance and mentioned to her she should be on the other platform. The one I was going in was going the other way. She seemed confused but I assured her she should go the other way. As the metro was leaving I was glad I did do something to help.

I arrived at the hostel and got my card setup up. Standing in the elevator I then realised after 20 tries that the button didn't work After reading the obvious instrutions at the top of the buttons I then swiped my card and tried again. Only to realise that didn't work either. So I sheepisly walked back to the reception and said the card didn't work. The girl then apoligised a couple times saying she forgot to activate it. After that I went up to the room and noticed to my delight the room being 1) very clean 2) very spatious 3) there were only four beds occupied of the 8 beds available. So I sat down finally getting rid of the heavy weight on my back and then enjoyed the beautiful view outside looking out the nearby park. I got in my bed and just chilled for awhile.

After enjoying my rest suddenly two people started chatting. And since I had the curtains up nobody could see me. So I just casually started to just listen in silence. The girl was talking about how she found this amazing vegan cake and the guy was just chilling mentioning how he had to leave the very next day. They spoke some more but then the girl left to go running. The girl slep in the bed above me and was actually stunning. She was recovering from losing her voice and had this british accent. And for some reason that combo just took me out. It was so nice to just listen to her talk. It was at this point I started making fun of people flirting in hostel in the gc but I was just playing it up. After a couple hours another girl joined us. This is the girl would later become Faye The american guy from before and she got to talking some more. So I casually started listening again.

Faye mentioned she just traveled 26 hours from barcelona and how she was super tired. Also how she kept running around with 8 wine bottles. The guy mentioned he also came from america and how he was headed home after today. She offered him some wine but he declined saying he didn't drink. I once more started to make fun of them in the GC. But this time Mr. Verm suggested I could just join the flirting and beat the other guy. I had to laugh at that notion. But then something clicked inside me. All these people came to this hostel and were having fun interactions with each other. Worse come to worse you never see the other person ever again. And what was I afraid of? I was on vacation and I was going to have fun. I was going to not just sit around in my little bubble and spend everyday like this. So I popped up my head around the curtains and said 'You know if you are looking to get rid of that wine maybe I could help'. Faye turned around and said 'Well not getting rid of it. It's a really nice clemant but I just have too many'. "Well either way I could go for some wine"

Sure. She said. Let's go up and have some. Before I could ask if she meant right now she turned around looking for here shoes so I deduced expertly she did mean right now. After getting past my suprise I looked for my shoes and followed here to the rooftop that we apparently had. Upstairs she asked for some glasses and after the ober explained we actually couldn't bring up outside drinks he got us some glasses. Faye picked out a spot and there we sat down. Faye was a 5'2 girl so pretty small. But also pretty strong. I am sure she had bigger muscle then I did. She had long brown hair that flow past her shoulders. Blue eyes that offset her dark brown hair and pretty face with no flaws She also had an amazing figure and was all in all beautiful.

I can't remember what we talked about in great detail but I do remember how it felt. Faye was a lovely person and the conversations just carried itself. There was never a dull moment. But at the same time we could take a minute to think over what the other person said. We also never talked like over each other. Like at the same moment. The whole convo just jumped from point to point in a effortless way. And to be honest I can't the remember the last time it was this easy to talk to someone. While actually I can. It was with the Lady years ago…It has been a long time since I felt like that. To just connect a person. I was actually thinking about the last couple weeks before my trip. I felt and still feel as I am unable to connect with people anymore. To relate to them. As if they are living such different lives with other priorities that I couldn't understand them anymore. And they couldn't understand me. No one person understood the whole me. And that just made me feel alone. Everyone could understand just a piece of me. But some pieces stayed hidden from everybody. And maybe it was the wine and maybe it was because I set out to open up some more. But we really clicked. And Faye was also so open and interested and could just talk about I reckon anything for hours. We finished the bottle of wine (sorry I mean clement) after three hours and we went to bed after the ober stated they closed I guess an hour ago. We went back and I noticed I was a bit tipsy. Said goodnight and that was the first day.

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Update #32

Princess called to say she has to cancel our date. Yes, indeed we had a date. We are tuesday today. The date was suppose to be thursday. I was planning to make a post the day before the date but we never got that far. If you read the previous post you will know just how unbearable this waiting can be for me But let me paint a picture first and then go through my feelings.

Two and a half weeks ago she texted me. Or better said I texted hear. We were trying to meet up to face call for three weeks at that point but couldn't. There was always something out of our hands. We both work part time and regulary go to church. And we have our responsibilties. So we couldn't call. Texting is fine but with texting you can only go so deep. I know I much rather see the person I am talking to especially when sharing something intimate. So I couldn't really really talk to her and she couldn't talk to me as much as we wanted. So after week three I raised the question. How will we date in the future when we can't even call online for like an hour from the comfort of our own home. She said that she thought about it. "What the conclusion was?", I asked. "Maybe we should leave this as it is and try again later. I won't be able to date like this." This reffering to something else entirely. She said maybe we should text as friends. See she didn't want to give me false hope. Keep me waiting around for nothing. She prefers to be upfront and honest about it. I said we should call about this. I can't give me answers via text because miscommunication during such convo can be deadly. You also waste half the time explaining things that would be clear via intonation and manner of speech. So we left it at that. Later she said she had good news. I already guessed it but said to call still.

She had spoken to her dad about it and he said that I had been waiting for some time. He asked her if she wanted to do this. Take distance. She said she didn't want to at all. So he said that he didn't think that was needed and told her that he wanted to meet me. That was great news at the time not that you could tell seeing my face. I told her I figured it would be soon and that's why I asked that question. How would we meet up. She retorted that fully fleshed out date is different then and call. No can interrupt it. She won't need to work that day since she would have freed up some time. And everyone would know. It would be different. I agreed and then I started smiling. I was overjoy. 317 days I waited and finally this would be over. The day of deliverance was there. My prayers answered. Life is good. She said that I just had to pick a day. So I picked thursday Thursday it was. Sunday she texted me saying that since her mother would be operated on monday that maybe I could move it. So the next thursday it was. And I waited. I planned my outfit. Planned some cookies. I bought her a book since a gift is only apporiate and I already got her flowers one time. And she loves a good book.

And just now just texted she texted me, saying because of the new lockdown rules we can't meet and I can't meet her dad. I didn't really understand why we can't meet and I just meet her dad later but then quickly realized the only reason we were going to date that day is because of the meeting. And her dad becomes super busy during these lockdowns. Also it will take atleast another month if I am lucky and there isn't a guarantee of that either. She finished explaining it all until I got it. "So what are you thinking?" she asked carefully. "That I am going to cry", I said. "Really?". "Really". And I did cry. Her little brother and her sister waltzed in the room and I was remembered again how we can't have a couple minutes together. And also how since we did actually plan a date, that still didn't change things. It still got canceled due to unforseen circumstances. I know it's an unfair vergelijking to make but in the end it's all the same. I still have to wait.

After a minute or two she asked her sister and brother to leave the room since she was calling. Coming back I said that when I was waiting it hurted. And I asked myself if love should hurt like this. This much. But there was a reason I was waiting so I kept going. Because maybe it was the next day. For weeks I waited like that. And after I heared the good news the wait was finally over. The weight lifter from my shoulders. And now it's back. A hundred times heavier then before. She asked me whether I was having second thoughts. If I wanted to keep going. I said I needed some time to organize my head. Which is I guess what I am doing now. She had to go and went and I started typing. She texted me shortly after I had started. Saying that "You said you would wait for me and if you have doubts that hurts me. because you know what that sounds like? Like I'm not worth the wait. But I am and it'll be you loss" One of the reason I like her is because she has that confidence. A clear image of her self worth. She knows what she knows. I said "I am sorry for being so selfish". I have been only thinking about myself but she also wanted to see me and looked forward to it. And I am still the only boy she ever wanted to introduce to her father.

And with that I am reminded with how stupid I am. I just texted her to tell her that. I said that I am sorry for defaulting in a egocentric way of thinking. That I directly thought about how I dealt with the problem instead of doing this together. Here I am counting how many days have been passed but she has been there for each and every one of them. ACH how could I have been so duummmmmmmmb. I said I should have taken her hand and promised her we would do this together. It's not me vs the wait. It's us versus anything that comes on our path. I also said again that's she worth it. It's a challenge for sure but being without her would be an impossible challenge. And being with anyone else too. But I only want one challenge. And that's any challenge we face together. I belong to her and she to me. There's only one person for the job. Me, and no one else.

Welp, she definetly learned something new about me. How much of a dramqueen I can be. I hope she forgives me. I hope she doesn't stay hurt. That's the last thing I want. Ever. I would say she deservers better but she deservers a better me. And I just became a little but better. Just a tiny bit. And now we anxiously wait until she picks up her phone and sees a million notifications. I might write down how that went. I might not.

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Update #31

Must be a surprise

So I am writing once more. I has been litteraly months since I last wrote something. I would need to check but I think its almost 6 months ago. (It’s 4 months). And a lot has happended and many times I thought I should write this down but I didn’t and thats that. I think I write to order my thoughts. To give everything some space and clear my mindpalace a bit. Or to try and understand myself more. On why I feel a certain way because the outcome is clear but I don’t really now what led up to this. This must be weird to read. I normally don’t write this way, this train of thought. I like to center things around a certain subject but now the subject is that I don’t know what it is. Well no that’s a lie.

Important things.

A couple important things happened. The biggest things is that I am madly in love with the Lady. Now more then before. Especially now. I asked her awhile ago if she wanted to date me. She said that she would love to on the expection that her dad was alright with it. Today she told me how her sister had a secret relationship with her current husband which ended well I suppose but I guess it wasn’t the ideal start. Also her dad as protector and Head of the family means a lot in terms of Faith. And she loves him and would want to date with his approval. I notice this all sounds very distant but remind you that this happened months and I am just filling you in to understand the next part. So I said no problem. I met enough dads and moms and whatnot. And especially moms love me. Also my mother herself can be a brick wall at times and I still get through her. So meeting her dad wouldn’t impose any problem. I would go there and make him like me as I have done with others np. Only I never got the chance to meet him. She told that I wanted to meet him before I got the chance to call himself. He then said he would get back to her when he thought the time was right…I have mentioned this happened months ago right? (I looked it up. This was 110+ days ago)

Since then coronavirus broke out which you are probably familiar with. The world is scared due to this virus and most countries are in a soft lockdown. Only essential traffic can pass the borders. And you know what isn’t essential traffic. That’s right, talking to your dads….I don’t even know what to call her.Talking to Lady’s dad. So even when he would say to come right over it wouldn’t do anything. But here’s whats bothering me. Her whole family recently came into this big metaphorical storm. One that brings your family closer if done right. One with a lot of hurt and need for patience. The way I am describe sounds like I know what it is but I don’t. The Lady didn’t tell me a whole lot only that it’s big and that I need to pray for it. Which is still really something because I am one of the two people not directly involved that she told. And that is big. She is trusting me that much and still. And still. Still it bothers me not she can’t tell what the thing is. What’s must occupy her mind everyday. In the beginning I honestly had trouble talking to her because it seems I couldn’t ask her about her day with touching the subject. I couldn’t ask after it. I could, that’s not true. I could and she would answer that it got better or that I needed to pray some more. Or something else. Don’t get me wrong, she doesn’t have the obligation to tell me. At all. I just wish she trusted me enough to want to tell me. Or can tell me. Or that we were close enough where she would.

But there’s this ever fine line that we can’t cross. The fact that we aren’t even dating. And that hasn’t stopped me from getting her gifts for her birhtday. Write her a poem or just writing her a letter saying I like her very much and think she’s amazing. And that hasn’t stopped her from getting me a handmade bracelet or a letter in which she says I am beautiful but I want so much more. I want to really be with her. I want to scream out that I love her like I never loved anyone or ever will. I want to end message with ‘I love you bye’. In such a casual tone because it’s something I always say without thinking about it. It’s not love that I want. I have love. And I want more of her. I always thought that the hardest part about love was finding it. All those books and movies are about finding love. And even now I see my friends meeting people talking about girls and boys and searching for someone to be with.

But that was so incredibly easy for us. It took us years but when we met each and talked it clicked. And since then I only came to love her more and more. Finding her was easy. And she loves me back. I shouldn’t say loves. I don’t know whether to call it love from her side. But she wants to be with me too at least. Finding someone to be with and they wanting to be with you. I thought it would be harder. For reference I am 21 years old. And we met when I was 19. Which in my eyes is a incredibly young age to find someone. And yet we did. On top of that she’s two years younger so she found it even sooner. It’s this that’s hard. And we didn’t have to deal with finding someone forever. But most people don’t have to deal with what we are dealing with. Having someone on this immense planet who wants to be with you and spend the rest of their lives with you but not being able to. Being so so far apart. That you can’t see them. I know that she likes me. I just really really wished this barrier between us would dissapear. Whether that’s the distance, the border, her dad or God Himself, I don’t know.

Welp I wrote enough for today. It became clearer why I feel the way I am feeling. Now only a way to get rid of it.

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Update #30

“Have the best year ever Morpheus” “Ow I already am”

It’s now 02:34 am. We just ended our call. We as in me and the Lady. She has to work tomorrow as a teacher and thurdays are always her roughest days. It started with her asking if I was already home. I just came from the church since we always have prayer sessions then. This year they were shorted half an hour so I happened to be home when she texted me. “Yeah I am, it’s shorter nowadays” “Do you want to call then and why are they shorter all of a sudden ?”, she replied. “I will tell you in a minute”

I went ahead and brushed my teeth and washed my face since most of the times we call for hours on end and I don’t feel like going to my whole routine by then. “I am ready freddy call me betty” I texted her. After a couple minutes she called me. It was odd seeing her again. AS if my brain had failed to remember how pretty she was. I spent the first few minutes just looking at her. Trying to remember every single aspect. “It feels like forever since I saw you” I started. “Well it’s been forever” she said “Well not forever but a very long time” She always did that. She didn’t use words like forever and always unless she meant it. Which in a way preserved the true meaning of those words.

The Call

I started telling her about how the church session went and how it was shorter and how new it is to be constantly playing and how powerfull and new the message was. I halfway apologized since we just started calling and I already started rambling for five minutes straight. She didn’t mind if anything she enjoyed listening to my rambling once more. She then I told me about her days. Her struggle to finally get her rose-gold playstation controller and that its a her but doesn’t has a name. How fun it was to celebrate her nieces birthday and having her sister over. What she did that day. And how she got over not making it into the church choir and how she was rejuvenated but the session. “But there’s something you wanted me to talk about” “Yeah that’s right” That Sunday I told her that I really wanted to talk to her but needed to do it via facetime atleast and there was a reason for that.

“Like I talk sometimes about you to Tango (an other nickname) most of the time he just askes how you are but sometimes it’s a bit more serious like when do I plan on getting maried and whatnot ” “When do you plan on getting married”, she interuptted me. “We will get there”, I continued. “But recently he advised me to also talk to the Priest. So basically I did that and like his wife was there too and I like just talked”.“His Wife then mentioned how she noticed her flirting with me which I didn’t see coming” The Lady then had to laugh and her cheeks coloured a bit red “How long have you known her for” The Wife asked “Since not last summer but the summer before that. The wife was pretty surprised. The Priest suddenly said "Yeah he did a fine job doing it the good way, but it go a bit intenser now.” “Ow”, I said “Yes and if you guys meet up do it somewhere publicly and not somewhere private where it’s just the two of you”. And that got me like “Ow……OOOOOW…..OOOOOOOOOOOOW………huh ow”

The next sunday so last sunday at this moment. Tango came to me and sat me down and asked him wife Gloria to join him “So you just weren’t going to fill me in just bastard” and then playfully hit me. “What did the Priest and you talked about huh”.I told him that he basically gave me permission to start dating. “And you didn’t even told me?! Did you tell her yet” “Uhmm not really” “Not really ?!!!!!” he said in total confusion. “Well it’s not like she can date right now. She is like really busy” He looked at me almost rolling his eyes. “So that’s your excuse???? Look you guys are always going to be busy. I work and my wife works halftime and we have a one year old together but we still make time for each other. Don’t let being busy stopping you and be an excuse” He had a fair point. He and Gloria seemed extremly amused and also pretty happy for me. Gloria mentioned “Also make sure to she let her know what Priest said I am sure she would appreciate it”

The Future and more stuff

And around there I finished this story to her. She stayed silent for a bit and then stayed even silent. “When do you plan on getting married?” she started. “When Tango asked I said well let’s first start dating, and this time nest year I will be wrapping my studies and since its super easy to find a job with and IT- bachelor I will be finding work and a home soon. Around then I will be starting to think about marriage.” She thought for some more. We talked about how easy it is for IT people to find work. And other things “Is that it?” “Well I wanted to get your thoughts on this before I continued”.“What more is there?” “Tango talked to Ali today to check if everything fine on your side."He did what?”. We talked about how she would prefered to be the one to tell her but then we figured that he probably only mentioned my intentions.

At this point I was getting I told her this groundbreaking news but wasn’t gettting any actual response to the dating thing.She was thinking too much. Maybe not too much but either way she wasn’t responding so I asked “So Lady how does this comes across and how do you feel” in an attempt to ground her and get some first impressions. “I am happy you told me this and appreciate that you shared this”. Even though this was a good answer it felt too thought over. Not raw enough. Nobody hears that someone wants to date them and goes “I can appreciate you telling me that”. Even if obvious the truth. She then told me about the day she hundred percent knew I was the one for her and how God told her and how she knew this was her place. By the way the way she told me was like a thriller because I was  almost certain she was gonna end with “But you are not the one for me” but all ended well. But by then I still didn’t know what she thought about the dating

Do you

I took some more questions and back and forth before I went “Okay Lady here’s is the thing. Ultimately it doesn’t matter what Tango and Ali and even Priest say because in the end it’s about us two and God and right now I have no idea where you are or what you are thinking when you hear is or what you are feeling and it’s like hard. Like give me a sign or clue even !” “Okay alright that’s fair but you can’t guess who I am feeling ? "Nope like I have no idea what’s like being the Lady and hearing this from Morpheus”.“Okay”. Then she opened up. She was reaaaaally happy with this intentially said she needed confirmation but then she said that juuuuuuuuuust the past sunday she had put a special prayer in for (and get this) <b>relationship advancement</b> and I was like “?????????????? and you need more confirmation ???????” She had to laugh “Well okay that’s maybe true. I asked her straight up and said "Lady”, and looked her straight into her eyes “Do you want to date me”. She had to laugh really and and as she turned red said “Yes! I yes I want to date you” and kept laughing. I think at that point I started dancing and sang a bit (I maybe sung the words “and I will be the father of your kids” which in hindsight…..) She had put her phone down which she tends to do when she feel flustered and said “Morpheus please stop” while chuckling. So I stopped the singing atleast. The dancing continued.

“I will probably need to meet your dad”. I started by saying I could write a letter but then I wanted to call him to maybe meet at some time. So I asked Lady if I could facetime him when he got home but she refused and said no. I then said “Well how do I get a hold off him then?” and she replied “You will need to figure that out”. I said puzzled “Well the thing is your are just a bit closer to him so it’s easier for you” to which she said “That’s true” but still offered me no help. It seemed she wanted it me to put some work in if I really wanted this “I will call him but then I need his number from you”.“Okay but don’t call him before 2pm”. “Also could you talk to him about the dating before I talk to him because otherwise I will just be saying  nonsense”.“Uhmm no I am not going to”.“What??????? why wouldn– you know actually that makes sense” “Well that was pretty fast”.“Well yeah It just makes more sense like that anyway. First plan was talking to him first without you even knowing but that’s impossible.

Throughout this whole ordeal she was smiling brightly for the most parts and thinking incredibly hard for the others. "If my dad approves I would happily date you” she said while turning shy. “I am sorry could you repeat that last part” I joked. She said she was very happy and very very nervous and the exact moment she said that she looked so incredibly adorable. I fell in love again hard. And I had to laugh “Why are you laughing?” Since I didn’t want to harm her attempt at opening up I said “I was just laughing because you looked the very moment you said that” She had to laugh a bit. She said wait before she ended the call. Couple minutes later she called me again saying she hard to remove her lenses (and I am guessing some other stuff as well)

“She then said she reaaaaaaaaly need to go to sleep since it was 2.20 am and she still had to work tomorrow. She said it was lovely seeing me and talking to me. She wished me the best forever. "Have a best 2020 ever”, “Ow I already am” then I just blew up from laughter and she laughed with me. I said “Wauw I can’t believe you want to date me”. I assume she turned red since she quickly put the covers over her face. Another thing she does while flustered “you can’t just say that” she said in a small voice. “Well it true tho. Like the fact that you even exist but on top of that like me” .“I never said I like like you”. “Nah you right you only date people you don’t like then”. She put the covers over her face again. I am going. It was lovely talking to you. I will speak to your dad soon. Good night and sweet dreams.

“Sweet dreams Morpheus”

It’s now 4am. I think I finally got rid of the high off the conversation and am ready to go to sleep. I truly can’t believe someone as amazing as her likes me. Not that I am a bad person but that one truly expectional person to be liked by. Just for who I am. I love that.  That’s why now more then ever I am will be the best person I can be. Because someone like her derserves nothing but the best So I am going to be the best. The best I can be. Lady I really like you. I can’t wait for I first date

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Update #29

I can’t write but basically I really love her

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Update #28

Foreshadowing

Wauw it has been literal months since I wrote something. I have written about two updates this year… I used to write or try to write once a week at some point. But now I barely write. I don’t know why. I do remember wanting to write but being to lazy to grab my computer to do so. A shame really because I really like reading my stuff since I get to read things I forgot. Stuff that happened years ago at this point I started this blog-y thing on December 2015..It has been four years now. Well more like three and a bit. Glad that I am still doing this. I think because I more and more start getting into the habit of talking with other people about stuff that happens, that I lost the need to write them down any more ?

That the stories feel like the already have been told so there’s no need in telling them twice ? I think that has to do with it. That and maybe growing up. Maybe older people feel less like writing everything down. I say that as if I have to guess it. As if I can’t feel it. But I can’t. Ow man this began hard to decipher already. I have no idea what was going on when I wrote last update. You can tell something wasn’t right but I seriously can’t remember what…. … I’m thinking about anything that happened that I want to write down.

Anything that happened

Me and the Lady were facetiming each other. Wait that’s not correct. She called me because she wanted to ask something. But I have a hard time remembering what it was…I do remember it was facetime worthy. Anyway she wanted to ask something and see my reaction but she didn’t show hers. It was pretty late and it was this one thing. And since we literally have to schedule just to facetime so we can see both each other at the same time. I didn’t feel like doing that so I said, “Sure I will be the only one to put on my cam” because I truly didn’t mind. So we are talking and whatnot. And she was really down. Which I knew from our text convo’s. And here’s the thing. If you ask someone that’s feeling down whether they are okay and they say “yeah ofcourse” like the three times you asked in a span of a minute. You just let them be. You can’t force them to talk about it. And they don’t want to. And maybe they are handling it. Maybe not.

So she was down and while we were talking she was really quiet. And I don’t know we were having these long pauses were we were thinking. Like they say in Pulp Fiction, these pauses you don’t feel like filling up with random rambling just to fill it up. (Important note: My ramblings are always to ramble, not to fill up the convo) That was the first time we had to pauses…. …. And at some point I asked her “hey…….are you really okay though?” .. and she said “……no” with a almost breaking voice. … It broke my heart three times over to hear that. There’s something intimate about admitting you are not okay. I can’t remember the last time someone told me. Or I have told anyone. Even though I must have been feeling pretty not okay more then enough. The fact that she told me even surprised me, still does. …. We talked after that. She’s beaming with light once more. And she was feeling better after we talked. But ugh it kills me because

The person I am going to be

I like her alright (surprise). No but I really do. Like like like her. And I know for a matter of fact that she like likes me. So you would think hey why not ask her out you know. But I can’t. I know for a fact that I will fuck that up. There are still things that I am discovering about myself that I know would be in the way if I had a serious relationship. Like being late. It might sound trivial but I used to be late e v e r y w h e r e. Class, appointments, hanging with friends always I was late. Which to me didn’t seem like a big deal until….until I need to work with someone who was always late. And o my. That was the worst thing ever permanent. They failed to complete even the smallest task. Everything had to be like five to ten minutes late. Everything. Even setting up coffee took them like two minutes too long. Which sounds petty but it’s just an example to show that even the smallest thing took them too long.

…..So these days I make sure I am on time for everything. So that’s one of the reason I am not dating. That time thing was just an example. There are bigger things that I suddenly noticed or got pointed out. Stuff I am working on. So that’s one reason. The other is that I don’t yet what my future is like. And she doesn’t know either. Ow I forgot I actually spoke to her about it. Well that’s not what I forgot, I forgot to mention it here. I facetimed her ofc since we can’t do it live. And basically told her “Hey, I don’t like uhmm talk to girls like

this

So that’s that but I don’t want to dive into a relationship neither. Not yet at least” And she shared my sentiment. She also becoming the person she’s going to be. And hey if I am going to start a farming village in Ireland and she was to build hospitals in Guyana. Then it’s better we didn’t start a relationship. Because I am planning to do this exactly once and give it my all when I do. The text above counts for 1000 words. Which seem like more then enough for the moment I’m guessing there’s more that could be said but maybe later. If you read this wish past-me success on his exams. I am going to need it. Okay that’s that. As always thank you for listening to my rambling made to ramble. And remember

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Update #27

Keeping up the habit

Hello, I don’t really feel like writing but tbh I don’t feel like doing anything else so here we are. I am currently on my third and last week of vacation. I have done everything there is to do and I am getting tired of it all. I have read books, played sooo many games, made music (more about that later) Watched many many youtube videos, twitch streams and I even started and finished a show on Netflix. So now I am writing until it’s time to go DM our weekly dnd game with the gang. I can’t believe I will be happy when school starts again…

What has happened ?? Mmmmh

I talked a lot more with The Lady even though she is super busy. There’s a lot of things going on in her life and I really really want to help. Like sometimes she would say something I just want to (this is so hard to put into words) To get rid of it. Exterminate the problem. And hold her and tell everything will be fine. But. I am not her bf and I learned the hard way to take things easy. So I just listen and pray because sometimes that’s the only thing that’s needed. Because she’s that busy we had to plan a time where we could Facetime each other just so we could talk properly. Because you can convey a whole lot via text but some things……they just work better face to face. (And its also beautiful to see her face) I called her I think last week because I had discovered how to break Time itself

A guide on how to break the Constant Time Continuum.

Do you know how people can break a crystal glass with their voice ? Basically each crystal glass has pitch. The tone on which the glass resonates. If the tone gets matched you can cause the glass to resonates very hard and basically the glass will kind of ~wobble~. If the tone gets louder, the more wobbles there will be until the glass structure can’t handle it any more and breaks.Now. You can do the same thing with Time itself. You need to cause these TimeWarps. Reading a book, listening to music, having fun,.. Those are all minor TimeWraps. Get Big ones and get them to prolong as long as you can. BAM Time will break and uhmm. I don’t know what then. But I hope its something good

Where was I

I don’t know what I was planning to say after that anyway I passed almost all my exams expect one. I fucking hate webdesign. For the other courses I passed with some very nice scores. I got 95% on my programming exams….That felt good We all got out into a new group. All groups got merged since so many people just dropped out. So I will be in a class with people I don’t know…again. Which sucks

Warp One

You won’t notice this but I’m writing this one the 03/15. I started writing and stopped at the end of previous chapter. I can’t fully remember why I stopped writing but it seemed like a good place to continue. Music yeah. I made more music. I got invited to join this Collective of people. Generally small artists, myself included. We teamed up and made an album together. I was glad to work with other people. I collab’d on two songs on the album. I am really happy with how they turned out. Even though that meant I couldn’t work on my own projects. The album is planned to be released within three weeks. So that’s coolio I also made my first real money with my music !! I made like 60 real bucks with my music. Which is so weird. Songs I made on my crappy laptop in the dark while living at home, made me actual money that I can spend….wild. So yeah I think that was the think I wanted to say since I mentioned it in the intro… I’m less bored atm but I do have this headache that won’t go away ugh…It hurts my eyes to look at the screen… I feel like I can’t gather enough of my thoughts to write a coherent story that reflect my thoughts atm. That seems like a good place to end this update Thanks for listening,

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Update #26

Just keep writing, writing, writing

I noticed that I didn’t write as often as I thought. I barely wrote this year and last year I wrote like once a month. And these posts aren’t stories but seems more like really random snippets of stories. I just re-read my blog since forever. And it’s nice to see I wrote things down that I already had forgotten. Especially how I felt during those moments. I need to do that more often. Stuff has happened and I (for some reason) keep promising updates. So here we go

The end of an end

It’s almost end December and that means a lot of things. Especially for me. At least this year. We had church FOUR days straight. Back to back. From the normal Saturday and Sunday. And then Christmas night? to eventually Christmas Eve. I played piano every single day. Everyday I don’t know if you know but that’s a LOT of songs. And on top of that Christmas song are notoriously hard. Like the hardest to play in church at least. Oh my goodness there were so many. But the singing is absolutely lovely and beautiful. So it was worth it. And I love playing them. On Christmas Eve we had your typically church play in which I played. It was hilarious. ATM played an “Blonde anti-christmas pirate” …..You should have seen it. I get tears in my eyes thinking about it. I even posted a pic about it on my insta

So that was super busy and then we visited family on Christmas 2.0. Miles away, we had to travel 4 hours to get there. Me and my sister just straight up bailed outta there in the evening after asking my mom. She “suddenly” wanted to stay over there to sleep. Yeahhhhhh, So no way we were doing that. So we dipped. The next day I did jack shit. The day after I had to pick up my new laptop charger since the old one literally set itself on fire. So that was nice. I passed SpacePanda on the way back. We played some smash. Talked a bit. Tiger was there too. Which was a surprise to be honest but ehh Next time. Also travelling alone takes three hours so I didn’t plan anything else. I was so glad I could use my laptop again. I missed gaming and talking and everything ughhhhhhhh. My baby

This is just a title so everything seems organized

And then it was already Saturday again. We kinda had an end of the year party. There was food, (these nicknames are getting tiresome) Christmas (yes thats her nickname) was there too which super duper surprised me since I never saw her join the younger kiddos. But the age ‘limit’ is 30 So she is still more then welcome but I dunno. People with kids automatically seems a whole lot older. Not that there aren’t 25+ people but we kinda outnumber them. But ayy the more the merrier. We also had a slide with pictures of things that happened last year. It was really great. And then church today. I talked to the pastor about a thing I don’t want to write down but do want to remember later on to see how everything panned out. So I just did that ayy I am still talking to The Lady but I am so super busy that I barely talked to her. I did tell her that I won’t have the time to talk to her like I normally do. Well not that explicit but she did say “cya in two weeks then” And she is also pretty busy with Christmas and everything so its okay. (Also I just hit her up today just to talk because I needed a breather)

Music Maestro

My music is doing great. It’s funny to see how I freaked out about 23 subscribers when I now have 425 subscribers. I am currently working with 5 other people on an album. Me, Pandi, A boy with a balloon, ShamWow, Rukasu and Skinny Atlas. They are all excellent artists. None of them really does jazz tho, more lofi type music. But it’s impressive nonetheless. We are making a TEN song album. 5 collabs and 5 individual tracks. Expect for Atlas. He just gets one song because he joined later on. We already have 4 collabs. I worked with Balloon on a track. It’s almost done. And I need to start on my own song. I mean finish since I already started it…..a bit I FINALLY found a vocalist for my tracks. Jade was so nice to provide exactly what I was looking for. Took my over two years to find someone who can sing like she can with that amount of emotion and actually delivers her music. She’s awesome. And to think that I met her on a minecraft server. One we both don’t visit no more…..mad Here’s the song we made.

I like it because it’s so authentic. You can hear her smile and fuck up and getting nervous and even pausing before hitting really high notes it’s all just so real. So true. She even said that she literally poured emotions into it. I love it

Tomorrow and the days after

Tomorrow I am going to visit even more family (ayy). This time some uncles I actually like. But still don’t have super deep conversation with tho. But at least I will be comfortable. Going to celebrate new years eve with them and the day after that we are going to a restaurant with even MORE family. After all that is done I have less then a week to prepare for my exams. Which will be going on for two weeks but I have like six exams including English but we start with Networking which I am dreading But like five days should be enough to study right ? We will see. Anyway this was once again a lot of writing. And I haven’t even discussed half but whatever If you made it till here. Thank you for wasting your time listening to me rambling

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