adoredmarrow

he/she

[adoredmarrow]

new personal account

hi im an autistic adult and my pronouns are he/she

no terfs or bigots.

[adoredmarrow]

anyways sad hour over now. i gotta make dinner

[adoredmarrow]

í feel unwanted a lot or at least like im always the place holder friend and never feeling like other people would choose me if they had more options.

i have gotten a couple new friends recently. we see a lot with the other one and get along very well and have similar interests. she has also talked about being lonely and friendless a lot through out her life but one day when i was telling her how i had a friend once that only would see me when others werent free, she said that oh thats kinda like how we are. she said it jokingly and added that yeah there isnt many others and youre the one here so thats why we are friends. it hurt cause it wasnt even the second time this has happened to me. i thought i had made a genuine connection and a friend again but she doesnt see me that way, it makes the joy i have had with her feel bitter.

i didnt have many close friends growing up. i thought i had but later on i have realized this. this one time has stuck with me. this one friend that i thought was a close friend or almost my best friend ever and that i saw a lot after school and for years. at the least this one summer she didnt reach out but one single time that she called for advice on a subject that i knew a lot about and that was it, she didnt ask how i was or if we could meet up just nothing else.

my last relationship if you could call it that, wasnt good. we rarely were officially together, she would get interested in others and leave me alone with no care for my feelings. when they would leave, she would come back to me and pretend like that didnt happen and be all lovely with me and say she wanted to be close with me again and then the whole thing would repeat.

with another not too long ago made friend, i find her easy to talk to and she was been flirty with me sometimes and i do like that but im afraid the same thing will happen again as with my last relationship. we havent known for that long. her last and only relationship was bad and with a man and i think shes trying to find something in me to feel healed from it without necessarily knowing me well or having a romantic connection with me. in my last relationship the girl would leave me for men mostly. i dont know i just have this fear that im only good for as an idea or as an experiment.

my mother has never had many close friends and would use me as kind of a friend. she has felt more like an older roommate to me than a mother. she dumps her interests and struggles on me and then brushes everything i have to say aside. my mother nor my father has ever seemed interested in who i am or what i do. most of the time if im in a group setting and i speak its quickly forgotten what i added into it. others in my family almost every single time brush aside or misunderstand what i said and dont ask for a clarification.

most of the time i feel like people dont listen to what i say even in a casual conversation, people dont respond or they interrupt me without a care for what i was saying. i dont understand how it keeps happening with so many people through out my life. do they notice me as autistic in their own way and place me lower than other people? is it that i dont boast about work or education? or because i dont perfectly conform in other ways? is it my slightly noticeable speech impediment?

i feel like i will always feel like the second option in everything. i have been trying to mask my whole life and i put myself out there and i have nice interactions here and there with strangers and im happy for it. im not going to stop trying to find people like me but sometimes even just sharing something feels pointless.

[adoredmarrow]

im younger than i am now.

day by day i recognize myself less with my body changing. men start looking at me funny, in a way i dont understand yet and they will never stop. i know something with blood and pain will happen to me soon but no one dares to tell me. i still dont know the right words to use for making a friend. the girls get a sudden interest in boys and i will never feel it but i look at my closest friend like she is the sun. her mother watches me and i get the sense that im not right. next year my mother gives me permission to choose if i want to keep visiting my father regularly. i choose to stop going. i will never feel as close to my sisters again.

[adoredmarrow]

autistic loneliness

i think one of the worst parts about autism for me is the never ending loneliness or the inability to actually connect with others. i have had so many friendless years in the past and even most of my family dont like me or we just cant seem to connect even if both parties would want to.

i have gotten better at social skills, meeting new people and i mask relatively well and i do think most people find me decent at first and kind but there always seems to be a sort of wall between me and others. i have always felt like i lack something but that it isnt just explained by the lack of social skills but something else.

i think handling all the other problems that come with being autistic, would be easier to manage if this one wasnt one for me. i do think that humans including autistics need community and a close support system and not having that is just awful.

maybe not all autistic people feel this way but i can only speak for myself. i have even met a lot of autistic people and very few have talked about a similar experience but i still seem to feel far away from them. i have always needed a lot of alone time and dont need to be social as much as others (like the amount of social events in a week) but i have always wanted close friends to be in reach. i have this terrible longing for community and closeness and i just never seem to grasp it. its all i hope for.