i wrote it for an open mic thing at my art school, and i didnt know how to end it so i just had santa shoot a klingon with an ak47 bc i was a well adjusted and normal child:
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the ship,
not a sensor was bleeping, there was not but a blip.
The stockings were hung in crew quarters’ with care
in hopes that St. Nick would find them in there.
The captain was snuggled up warm in his bed,
while visions of Spock danced through his head.
The warp drive on impulse, the engines not roaring,
in all of the cabins were crewmembers snoring.
When out from the hull came noise through the channels.
Officers on duty made quick checks of the panels.
Red alert roused the captain with an unnerving blare,
and up came the captain, to the bridge, to his chair.
“Ready torpedoes!” he said with a screech,
and readied himself for the Enterprise breach.
“Nine lifeforms approaching,” cried Spock from his station.
“Too far to see clearly, but they fly in formation.”
Still groggy from sleeping, no intention of games,
Captain Kirk sat up stiffly and called out the names.
“Now Sulu! Now Scotty! Now Dr. McCoy!
Ensigns and seniors, quick, before they destroy
the ship where we stand, go to your places!”
said Kirk to his crews’ anxious, young faces.
Each station was manned, while Spock checked to see
just who was forthcoming—what could they be?!
Slowly they came into the ship’s sensor range,
and what the crew saw was something quite strange.
Nine lifeforms they were, there wasn’t a doubt,
but the Enterprise crew was not just about
to let themselves think what they were seeing was real.
Again all was silent, there was not but a squeal.
Each officer felt they had glue in their jaws,
as through the sensors, they saw what appeared to be Santa Claus.
“We’re being hailed,” Uhura muttered, her voice thick with confusion.
“Put it on screen,” said Kirk, certain all was illusion.
The screen left the image of the twinkling of space,
and instead showed the familiar, rosy red face.
From his hands to his lips, on a cookie he did nibble,
and his chin resembled that of a fluffy, white tribble.
“Ho, ho, ho!” he chuckled to the Enterprise crew,
who stared back in disbelief—what else could they do.
“Forgive my intrusion at this late hour,
but I’m happy I found you, we were losing power.
I’ve searched for so long, for the ship Enterprise,
I come bearing gifts, just as a surprise.
So far from home, so far from the holiday season,
so I’m bringing Christmas to you, I saw no bad reason.
I have something for all, I’ve even got Spock’s.
You can’t wait to celebrate for until the ship docks!
Beam me up if you please and I’ll give each a gift,
and on with my way, I’ll go clean and swift.”
Though still not quite believing all was at it seemed,
Kirk called down to transport to have his guest beamed.
In the transporter room, Kirk and Spock went down
to greet the newcomer, and show him around.
But when they entered through the transporter door,
they saw a red shirted crewman lying dead on the floor!
“Aha!” cried Santa, his voice now deeper and mean.
“You fell for my trap! I got right through your sensors without being seen!”
In his hand a phase pistol was steady and pointed,
and the captain and Spock felt themselves a little disjointed.
“What madness is this?!” the captain demanded,
not knowing he had come across a deceiver red-handed.
Catching the “santa” off-guard, Spock jumped over behind him,
and placed his hand on the shoulder and quickly aligned them.
Just in time, Spock came through in a clinch,
and quickly delivered a Vulcan-neck pinch.
Kirk grabbed the pistol, and Spock a tricorder,
and attempted to make sense of everything, put it in order.
Spock said, “The being ‘Saint Nick’ is still mythological,
and to believe anything different would be highly illogical.
Indeed, my tricorder readings, why they are quite construed.
This man is a Klingon, or so I conclude!”
Together the duo grabbed hold of the man
and dragged him to sick bay to have Bones do a scan.
The doctor performed every test, old and new,
and said, “yeah, he’s a Klingon,” and so it was true.
A security team hauled him away to the brig,
and there they sat awaiting the miserable pig.
Eventually the man, he opened his eyes,
and immediately, Kirk wanted truth to his lies.
But before the deceiver could speak but a word
came a loud crashing bang all the officers heard.
“Captain, to the bridge,” came an urgent voice yelling.
What was happening now– there was no way of telling.
Kirk left from the brig and turned to go up
in order to see the trouble close-up.
But before he even get out of the room
from out in the corridor there came a loud boom.
All stood still as the doors, they came apart,
and what was there standing gave the captain a start.
“Move aside,” said the intruder, casting the others to the walls
and up to the jail cell marched another Santa Claus.
“Not this again!” cried Kirk, pointing his phaser,
but the Claus took no notice of his judgmental appraiser.
“You!” the Santa snapped at the Klingon, his finger accusing.
“Too long have you done this—you’re power abusing!”
Klingon said, “You do not scare me! For you cannot be real!
Leave me alone now, you filthy black heel!”
Santa said softly, “May mercy come to you down from the heaven,”
as out from his pocket came an AK47.
And the captain and Spock watched the Klingon expire,
as he was blown to small pieces, still in Santa attire.
And when the Klingon was gone now at long last,
the real Santa turned to the duo and asked,
“Now that that’s done, I believe it’s time for your gifts!
Quick, call down your staff, have them end all their shifts!”
And so it was that Santa really had come to deliver a surprise,
to the all of the crew of the ship Enterprise.
And while in the brig the Klingon sat rotting,
through the halls went the Santa prancing and trotting,
spreading the joy and the spirit of the holiday cheer,
preaching the meaning of Christmas for all them to hear!
And when he was finished, to the transporter he went
and waved goodbye to the crewmembers, calm and content.
He beamed to his sleigh, told his team to pick up the pace,
and away in the night they flew into space.
But the crew heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!”
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