Adventures as a Birthmom

Going through life as a Birthparent in an open adoption: the good & the bad

[dreamsinemerald]

Maybe We Are Trying to Get Help

Since the death of Chester Bennington my social media has blown up with people begging “those struggling with these thoughts” to “get help”, “reach out”. They assume we hide in the woodwork, keeping these emotions, mental illnesses to ourselves. This conversation should be about accessibility to mental health not shaming people with mental illness for hiding. I was so excited when I got insurance I wouldn’t have minded a copay every visit or something, I found an “in-network” therapist. After one session, I found out yeah my insurance covers it - however after a thousands of dollars deductible is reached. My sessions would still cost $80-$150 depending on the code my therapist used for insurance. Without insurance? We worked out $75 a visit. Going weekly was out of the question financially at this point. So I opted for bi-weekly. Thats still $150/mo. $150 I don’t have. Don’t shame those of us that have mental illness and are trying to get help but can’t find a way to afford it.

[dreamsinemerald]

My witcher 3 tattoo done at Ink Factory by Dwyane. It may seem like a nerdy video game tattoo to some but this is a celebration of my strength and resilience.

[adventuresasabirthmom]

Counseling - First day in a long time

Dysthymia. A name to the face of my monster. I tell people up and down all the time that I believe in both medication and therapy as means of treating depression. I always said I didn't need chemical treatment because my depression wasn't...couldn't...be chemical. My life was too fucked up to have a chemical imbalance in my brain on top of my own shit luck. Could it? I have been to 4 therapists counting the one that I saw today and no one... not one of them suggested there may be a sub-diagnosis to what is wrong with me... except today. She caught me off guard asking: "so what was your actual diagnosis?". I didn't know what to say. I almost thought that she was questioning whether or not I had depression or anxiety. I wanted to just be like "I guess nothing, sorry. Bye." and leave. But I didn't. And I'm glad I didn't. I just said, initially it was diagnosed as post-partum depression and it never changed from that. Having that diagnosis or self diagnosing myself always got me to where I needed to go. She asked me if I was familiar with "dysthymia". I wasn't. She explained how depression as a broad term is more like the flu - hits hard, effects you hard. Whereas, dysthymia is more like allergies. It shows up often, can seem tolerable even though you're not feeling yourself. This was the first time I had entered therapy with a purpose with what I thought was anxiety (it is but this was something I just thought was me). I thought all to often that I was making myself have these issues for attention, because I could function at school...at work...at home. Therapists have told me "why are you here?" because I seemed okay that day or that week, or noticed an "upswing" in my pre-session questionnaires like we were making improvement. I always thought that I was really good at burying my issues and appearing okay everywhere that I needed to be okay at. APPARENTLY this a thing. A sub-type of depression where you just don't feel 100% a lot of the time but frequently doesn't affect your work/school/home life from a first glance. I thought I was an emotionally indifferent freak but at the same time an emotional wreck. I got up enough courage when I woke up this morning to tell myself "THIS FEELING IS NOT OKAY". I did something about it. But now, I feel remorse over it. Simply because I don't know if my insurance covers the session. I may finally be getting the real treatment I need and I may have to turn it down because I CAN'T AFFORD IT. What the fuck kind of fucked up country do we live in where we all have to walk around like a bunch of mentally ill zombies just because the help we need is just out of reach. I am sick and tired of just picking up the scraps I could get because I couldn't afford to "shop around" for the correct help I needed. Maybe I would've been working on this a lot more a long time ago. If I find out this visit cost me just under $300. I may lose my mind because today is the closest I've felt to getting what I've needed in so so SO long.

[adventuresasabirthmom]

This song has been resonating with me a lot lately.

[bobfloydsbabe]

Describing Dysthymia

Your mood is a line.

No it’s not, what are you talking about? 

Yes it is, shut up.

Your mood is a line. Your mood is not a straight line entirely but there is a line that your mood usually follows but sometimes you fall a bit below or above the line which is quite normal. I’m not like that.

What makes you so special? 

I don’t know if it makes me special but I’m always under the line - I’m never really happy. I don’t know what it means to be satisfied with where you are in your life and I don’t know what it means to feel normal. I can’t remember.

How can you not know how to be happy? 

I really don’t know, I just don’t know how it feels. Maybe you can explain it? Could you try? I mean, there’s nothing I won’t do do feel happy and content and happy. I don’t want to be under the line.

I can’t explain it, I’m just happy. How is it under the line?

I’m always worried. I have a little voice in the back of my mind that never keep its negative comments to itself. It tells me that I’m not good enough, not pretty enough, not creative enough, not happy enough and so on. I don’t sleep at night, I can’t concentrate on the things I have to do and I’m so mentally and physically exhausted that I mostly just want to stay in bed day in and day out and not do anything.

And you’re always there?

Yes.

But isn’t that annoying?

Yeah.

But how long have to been like this? 

Doctors and psychologists will probably say about six years but I’ve been dealing with it for so long that I thought it was normal. I thought everybody felt this way. I thought that it was probably just the way my personality was - I didn’t think anything was wrong with me.

Were you on the line before that?

Maybe. I can’t remember.

Can’t you get better?

It’s difficult to say. Some get better but for the most part it’s chronic but it’s said that medication and therapy works.

What is your diagnosis?

Dysthymia.

[iamtooraretodie-deactivated2021]

…

[adventuresasabirthmom]

I have been in a rough place mentally lately. This describes it greatly.

[mysecretbattlewithdepressio-blog]

When Getting Diagnosed:

Doc: When was the last time you felt happy for a long period of time?

Me: I don’t know

Doc: You don’t know? how long ago? a month? A year?

Me: *laughs* i don’t know maybe when I was 7

[adventuresasabirthmom]

I met with a therapist today (for the first time in the long time) and she asked if I had ever heard of dysthymia. I had said no. I always felt depressed but never thought I fit in the "never want to get out of bed, life is always gray catagory". I just don't remember the last time I felt myself, 100% happy, or the last time I felt rested.

[adventuresasabirthmom]

After I placed my birthson, I stored away a few various items, toys, clothes, and books from my time parenting that I wanted to save for future kids. As I moved out of my dad's house, it went into the garage but every time I'd look it wasn't there. At one point I assumed it had been stolen by a "friend" of my brother's and thought I had lost it forever. Its been four years at least since I've seen it. But, I decided to give it one more try today and (after going all the way to the back of the garage) with my dad's help. We found it right up front like it had never been missing. I feel like everything is right again and the box is back with me where it belongs now I can keep adding to it for "someday".

[confessionsofbirthmothers]

Black background with draped blue material. Part of the “What lies &/or propaganda are told to vulnerable Mother’s” series.

“She should go to a family that is better than me.” - Dee Warf

Facebook.com/isadoptiontrauma?

[fatmamahoneyfluff-deactivated20]

9 months.

Even 9 months wasn’t enough time. A life time could never prepare you to lose your child.

[adventuresasabirthmom]

As a closing activity we each wrote on a rock something we carried with us when we entered on Friday. I personally have been really hard on myself for various reasons lately and feeling like I'm not good enough. After we wrote on the rocks we tossed them into the lake.

[adventuresasabirthmom]

High ropes course, I hadn’t done this since the first retreat and thought I was due to do it again. For the struggles that many birthparents face, a physical challenge like this ropes course can be an amazing metaphore for all the obstacles each of us face. Ending with a freeing zipline to let all of your worries go.

[adventuresasabirthmom]

The quiet often makes me nervous but there was such a sense of peace and beauty being alone out on the dock and watching the sunset. A good time to reflect and take life in after an evenful day.

[adventuresasabirthmom]

My adventure as a birthmom: This weekend I am participating in a birth mother retreat labeled the "stronger together" retreat. This Saturday has been so full of love, sharing stories, labeling and coping tools with grief and loss, showing our strength on a high ropes course, and freeing from shame. It's hard to put the experience into words but birthparents are most certainly stronger together.

[adventuresasabirthmom]

Phone Call

My son called me a few weeks ago. I asked him if he was excited to start school and that I had heard he wanted to learn some hard math. He said "yes like multiplication". I said, "that's pretty hard but I think you can do it". He says confidently, "I KNOW I can do it." I love his confidence in himself. I hope he keeps that all through life. He'll go so many places.

[adventuresasabirthmom]

Twas the night before the Retreat

Tomorrow, I head back to northern MN to participate in the third year a weekend long birthmother retreat. A weekend away from the judgemental or under educated, a weekend to just be and feel how we wish. I look forward to seeing familiar faces but also meeting new ones. I remember packing for the first retreat and thinking how terrified I was. If I got lost, if it got cancelled like the previous one I had tried to attend, what if it wasn't what I was looking for? I left overwhelmingly surprised. I got new friendships, a new purpose in life, and even things to work on within myself that I didn't know needed work. I'm not the same woman I was 3 years ago and much of that has to do with me taking a chance, filling out a survey 3 years ago on the website and hitting send. Don't be afraid to look for people like you, everyone needs support.

[adventuresasabirthmom]

Pre-retreat Picnic

My adventure as a birthmom: A birthmother retreat I have been attending for the last two years is having their 3rd retreat in September. A lot of us in previous years have described the anxiety it takes to drive to the middle of nowhere to to spend a whole weekend with 30 people we didn't know. The organization heard our concerns and started a picnic to introduce previous attendees with newcomers so we could chat and kind of take the edge of the initial first day. All in all it was a great idea, it was nice to meet some new people and talk about everything from our adoption situations to our current lives to pokemon go. I love this group of people - can't wait for September.