Dear Mike, I know this problem I'm about to tell you about is nothing compared to what most people are going through. Than what I've gone through in the past but. My heart is breaking. I feel like I'm losing someone who I once thought was "my person", my sister and best friend for 15 years--best friends ever since first grade. I don't know what to do. It all started in July when she stopped texting like she used to. Said we would hang out one day and said nothing to me about it the day of.
Didn’t even act like we were supposed to hang out until I casually asked her why we didn’t a few days later. It was almost like hanging out with me wasn’t important enough to be remembered. And then I left the country to study abroad and didn’t hear a peep out of her, my supposed sister and best friend of 14 years. Like she didn’t care that I’d be gone for almost half a year. Like she would have in June or May of this year. It hurts more than anything bc this change came out of nowhere. There weren’t any little signs beforehand; she just started cutting me off and I had no idea why. Before July we still hung out like old times, and called and texted and were as close as ever. But then things changed in July and I don’t know why. She still acts normally with her other friends but it’s different with me. I don’t know what I could have done. We’ve always been there for each other and now she doesn’t answer my messages. We’ve gone from sisters to acquaintances and it’s killing me, Mike. I’ve talked to her about this once awhile ago and she said we were fine but her actions are speaking louder than her words. I’m so so sorry to bother you with this, Mike. But could I get a hug and some much needed advice? -Marie
Marie, don’t ever think that your problems aren’t as important as everyone else’s. I know how badly it hurts to lose a best friend, and it’s not easy to think that it’s somehow about you. Take a breath, though, and take a step back. The two of you went through a lot together, I’m sure, and I know this relationship is really important to you. Sometimes, people change and need space. They think that changing means that they have to change everything — friends included. And that sucks. But it’s not fair to let yourself sit in the pain that she’s created. You can grieve a loss, but at a certain point, you have to let yourself live again. Your life can’t be about her, and it can’t be about your relationship with her, even though it sucks to hear. It’s always good to have strong relationships in your life, but you have to put you first. You are the one person that will always be there for you — even though we need to comfort ourselves with saying that there will always be someone there for us, we’re all human and we all make mistakes or have asshole moments. Everyone has a time (or multiple times) in their life when they’re alone.
That being said, keep in mind that you are not alone. You have me.
My advice would be to think of something that you love — music or a show or a movie or a musical, comic books or cosplay or charity work — and focus on that. Try to let that bring joy into your life. As for the friend, you can always still care about her and love her. Send her a quick message, if you want, to let her know that you care about her very much and will always be there for her, and then let her go. Let that be the end, unless she wants to reach out to you. She may be going through something that’s made her curl inwards and cut off — it happens. But don’t bet on that — bet on this being a split. Things happen so that you can go down the path you’re meant to. Think of high school — you may have dated someone that you thought was the absolute love of your life, and when you broke up, it seemed like the hardest thing ever, but you know now that the both of you are on the path to find the right person. If you tried to hold onto that guy or girl, they wouldn’t be able to get to their person.
Allow yourself to be set free so that you can find your people. Those people who will be there through everything. Certain friends make us look back on our childhoods with good memories, and that’s it. They’re not going to be there for the future. But they made our lives good while they could, and now things have changed. If you think about it, you want your old friend back. This new girl is not someone you want to be friends with. She’s not who you were sisters with so long ago. She’s changed. You’re gonna find someone who fits with you now — just give them a little time to show up.
I promise you, Marie, everything is gonna be okay. You’re stronger than you think. And I’m always here, and you are not a bother.
