I know AI works aren't exactly welcome in fandom spaces, but I simply can't keep these gems to myself. Please don't arrest me, fandom police.
MDZS characters as the onion headlines:
Lan Wangji Named "Most Emotionally Constipated" Cultivator for 5th Consecutive Year
Wei Wuxian Discovers New Dance Move; Calls it "The Corpse-Raising Shuffle"
Jiang Cheng Creates Stir at Lotus Pier by Declaring All Carp Must Now Wear Mini Golden Core Hats
Jin Guangyao Wins Award for "Most Convincing Smile" in Cultivation World's Annual Pageant
Nie Huaisang Accidentally Orders Thousand Swords Instead of Thousand Carpets for New Ancestral Hall
Lan Xichen Releases New Self-Help Book: "Cultivating Tranquility in a World of Eyebrow Raising"
Wen Ning Accidentally Summons Zombie Horde During Attempted Karaoke Performance
Xue Yang Becomes Fashion Icon with New Trend: Wearing Human Hearts as Statement Accessories
Jin Ling Founds Cultivator Band "The Annoying Juniors," Releases Hit Single "My Uncle's Golden Core"
Lan Wangji: "I've mastered the art of silence. It's called 'Lan Wangji-ing'."
Jin Guangyao: "Some call me a master manipulator. I prefer to think of myself as a strategic social engineer."
Nie Huaisang: "I'm not lazy, I'm just conserving my energy for important tasks like napping."
Lan Xichen: "I like to live life on the edge. Sometimes I leave my bed unmade until the afternoon."
Jiang Yanli: "There's nothing a warm meal can't fix. Well, except for my brother's temper."
It is with a mixture of sadness and relief that we bid farewell to Jin Guangyao, the master of schemes and the king of secrets. Known by many aliases, including Meng Yao and Mo Xuanyu, Jin Guangyao led a life that was as mysterious as it was entertaining. He left this world on [date], leaving behind a legacy of deceit, betrayal, and a remarkable collection of hats.
Born with a knack for manipulation and an uncanny ability to maintain a straight face while deceiving others, Jin Guangyao excelled in the art of politics and intrigue. He had a talent for always being at the right place at the right time, even if it meant pulling off impossible feats like teleporting and faking his own death.
Jin Guangyao will be remembered for his charming smile, which hid a multitude of schemes, and his remarkable fashion sense, particularly his extensive collection of extravagant hats. Whether he was plotting to gain power or simply trying to match his hat to his outfit, Jin Guangyao always managed to make a statement.
In his spare time, Jin Guangyao enjoyed long walks in secret tunnels, writing anonymous letters to stir up trouble, and organizing double-crosses for fun. He was also an avid reader, with an impressive library of books on backstabbing and manipulation.
While Jin Guangyao's actions may have caused chaos and heartache for many, it cannot be denied that he was a master strategist who kept us all on our toes. His ability to outwit his opponents and maintain an air of mystery until the very end will be sorely missed.
Jin Guangyao is survived by his collection of hats, which will now be auctioned off to fund the reparations for all the chaos he caused. In lieu of flowers, please consider making a donation to the "Victims of Jin Guangyao's Schemes" charity fund.
Rest in mischief, Jin Guangyao. May your hats and schemes forever live on in infamy.
A rap battle between JGY and JC over JL's custody
(Verse 1: Jin Guangyao)
Jiang Cheng, you claim you're fit to be a father,
But your temper and impulsiveness couldn't be farther.
You let your anger control your every move,
While I bring stability, the one to improve.
I've seen Jin Ling grow, guided him with care,
Nurturing his potential, helping him prepare.
You may be his blood, but that doesn't make you best,
I've proven my worth, while you're just a mess.
(Chorus)
Jin Guangyao, the strategist, with a cunning mind,
Against Jiang Cheng, the hot-headed one of his kind.
In this rap battle, we'll fight for custody's claim,
Let the words ignite, let our reputations flame.
(Verse 2: Jiang Cheng)
Jin Guangyao, you think you've got it all figured out,
But beneath your polished façade, there's nothing to brag about.
You may have played your part, but it's time to see,
That blood ties and love, they matter more to me.
I may have made mistakes, but I've learned to grow,
Protecting my sect, carrying the weight I know.
Jin Ling is my family, he belongs by my side,
I'll fight for his future, with unwavering pride.
(Chorus)
Jin Guangyao, the strategist, with a cunning mind,
Against Jiang Cheng, the hot-headed one of his kind.
In this rap battle, we'll fight for custody's claim,
Let the words ignite, let our reputations flame.
(Verse 3: Jin Guangyao)
Jiang Cheng, you may be loud, but I'm in control,
I've proven my abilities, my nurturing role.
Jin Ling needs stability, a future secure,
With my guidance, he'll thrive and mature.
I've shown my dedication, my unwavering support,
While your anger and impulsiveness fall short.
Jin Ling deserves the best, and that's what I bring,
In this custody battle, I'll make my case ring.
(Chorus)
Jin Guangyao, the strategist, with a cunning mind,
Against Jiang Cheng, the hot-headed one of his kind.
In this rap battle, we'll fight for custody's claim,
Let the words ignite, let our reputations flame.
(Outro)
The rap battle ends, but the struggle remains,
Between Jin Guangyao and Jiang Cheng's domains.
In the world of custody, their conflict persists,
A decision yet to be made, as their rivalry persists.
