[aesary]

Hiya!

I started taking meds. This is a thing that I am proud of. It’s been over six months, but I finally feel like a different person. I’m painting and writing and creating and it’s so fucking amazing. It’s given me a whole new life. And that’s nothing to be ashamed of. 

[aesary]

Part anxiety, part ‘I don’t wanna talk to you,’ part teaching you a lesson because you damn well know better than to ring me. 

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UMAI - Shireen [official music video]

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Day 2 of my second NaNo. Totally still in control. Maybe. #nanowrimo #coffee #amwriting

[infpissues]

infp issue #106

getting caught in the vicious cycle of fantasizing where you want to be or what you want to be doing, rather than working towards it, because in your imagination you don’t have to know rejection, embarrassment, or disappointment. the high you come down from is brutal — a harsh slap into reality when you suddenly snap out of it and realize you’re not actually there. but you keep doing it anyway.

[aesary]

I really wish I’d been forced to do more things. Like college.

College should be free and a requirement. Take all of those parts of stress away. I had been accepted to a college that I liked and one of my friends was going with me. Out of state, which meant dorms and new people and getting out of this place. Away from family. 

I didn’t go. First, it was probably that I didn’t do anything in high school to warrant scholarships and knew nothing about grants. Also, my parents have no money, so nothing saved for college. Bad thing, not setting something aside. My smarts were so NOT getting me that far. 

Second reason I didn’t go was that my friend backed out. She wasn’t “mature” enough for college. Wanted to continue her career at Sonic. Such an illustrius career. 

Third - which is tied with second - is that my anxiety was really starting to ramp up after high school and I just backed out because I couldn’t do it. 

But if someone had made me. Forced me into it. Handled all the grown up shit that my parents should have helped me with and didn’t...I probably would have liked it. Thrived. Turned into my own person instead of this empty shell that cannot interact with other people.

But I mostly blame other people. My parents were no help because they expected me to be able to handle all the college prep myself. 90% of my friends decided to take more than one year off after high school instead of going to college. I fucked up, but so did everyone around me. I want to blame them and I do. I resent them. I resent all college kids because they’re doing what I wanted to. 

I think that if I can lose weight and get my anxiety under control...maybe I’d want to do the college thing. It wouldn’t be the same. No dorms or anything like that. No college experience and that was really the point of me going. I’m not an academic and any courses to do with writing or anything I like, I tend to hate those the most. I don’t like people telling me what to do with my creativity. I just don’t. 

It would be nice to be able to say I’ve got a bachelor’s in...something. I don’t even know. I don’t know.

Bye.

[aesary]

I burned through Carry On by Rainbow Rowell (because I am a slashy fangirl, dammit, and I will try not to be too ashamed of that fact anymore. It was an awesome story and I will fight you.) Now I’m on Fangirl, which is so far the story of me had I, you know, gone to college.

Erm...no regret or resentment there. Nope. Nada. (Loads of regret and all-consuming resentment there. Loads.)

Anyway, I just passed the part where she’s in her Fiction Writing class and the teacher asks, “Why do we write fiction?”

Some of the responses were along the lines of:

To express ourselves. To be somewhere else. Because it’s all we know how to do(pretty much my boat, lol.) 

Cath finishes the chapter with the thought, To disappear. Which I think sums it up perfectly. 

I hate who I am in real life and I’m not writing characters because that’s the person I wish I was. I do it because when they’re in charge and I’m figuring out them and figuring out the world and rules and story...I’m not me anymore. I’m not Kris that lives at home with her parents because she’s too chicken to even get a job or try the real world. 

My life becomes about someone else. Something else. I think that’s why a lot of people have kids and that’s ridiculous because if you screw up a story, it can go in the drawer. That becomes child abuse when it’s a kid. And then they grow up fucked up so they can fuck up other people. 

When I write, my life isn’t about me anymore, which is the only thing I want. It’s not about my anxiety or the voices in my head. It’s me disappearing from my own life. When I’m rolling, nothing else matters. I don’t exist. I’m at peace for a few minutes, which is worth more than you could ever know. 

I want to extend that into reading. I read to discover more about myself and to escape reality and to cope with the intense anxiety that follows me everywhere I am around other people. 

Reading and writing has saved my life more than once. 

Tschau.

[aesary]

Maybe I’m secretly evil deep down. 

Like, my cousin got a tattoo - something I’ve never been able to do - and instead of being happy for him...I’m kind of hoping he fucks up and gets some infection that’s easily taken care of. Nothing to kill him...just something gross. 

And I’ve constantly got my fingers crossed for my oldest niece to screw up so I can feel all internally righteous and shit. 

I laughed when her ‘going to college in New York’ fell through and she ended up stuck at Uni here.

I laughed when one of my cousin’s marriage fell through because the guy finally admitted he was gay. Like, he seriously thought that marrying a woman would ‘fix’ him. Hopefully he’s happier. 

Another one of my ‘perfect’ cousins has a shitload of kids with a guy and they live in a shit house with a ton of his family. I enjoy that. 

Another got a girl knocked up. While she was still in high school(he was probably 25ish). And she already had a kid from a previous guy. Not to mention, this is after my cousin’s first marriage fell through and his ex wife left him for his lesbian older sister. 

My ‘perfect’ sister has had a life of fuckups and can’t find a good job because all the ones she gets end up sucking so hard. 

I have wished my mom dead more times than I can count. 

And the cherry on top of my sundae of evilness? I have a death pool running in my head where I bet on who of my mom’s generation is going to die next. It’s always flipping between my mom and her sister, but I have a feeling her other sister might surprise me. They’re the only three left. It’s been a rough few years in this fam.

So, am I evil or do I just have an evil sense of humor because life is so dark and everyone needs a laugh? Even if it’s just a quick Muahaha!

Tschau.

[aesary]

You know that feeling where all you wanna do is scream, but you’re pretending to be an adult that doesn’t do shit like that? 

I’m nauseous. Actually, factually nauseous because even though I just came through a pretty bad anxiety flare and was finally feeling normal...my mom pops out the idea that we should have a great big family get together BEFORE we have the annual in November. Seriously?! 

And when I am there, I can’t act too much like I don’t want to be there because I’m twenty-eight fucking years old and I am unemployed living with my parents and I can’t fight back even when I really don’t want to do something. So I will let them drag me down there, hang out in the quietest places I can find, choke down some food I can’t even taste because I’m so anxious, and wait to go home.

What’s different about this from any of the other gatherings is that there’s the potential of five extra people, bringing the number up to...eleven? Not counting me. Cramped in my sister’s small house. With five people that I’m related to, but honestly don’t know and am soooo not comfortable with. 

It took years of Thanksgiving dinners with my sister’s family for me to become semi okay with it. Semi okay. Meaning I’m not okay with it. 

My anxiety isn’t always centered on thoughts that I can understand. A lot of it is the way my lungs getting tight as if my chest is in a vice and I can’t get a deep enough breath. Or the way I feel jittery all over like my very bones are vibrating inside me. 

And I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t take much to get me to either cry or throw up. 

I hate this. I don’t wanna go. I don’t care about being with these people and my interacting is at a minimum. I hate eating in front of people whether I know them or not. I don’t know most of these people. I don’t particularly like more than maybe one or two of them and that’s when they’re not around the others. 

I hate this. I feel like I’m five years old. I revert to my shy self badly around family because I trust them less than I trust strangers. I can’t let them in. I can’t do it. I can’t.

Someday. But I can never be me in front of these people. None of them know who I am and I will never let them see. They aren’t worth that much to me.

[aesary]

'You mean there's a GAME where people can kill NAZIS? Oh, no! Where are all the Nazi-Rights Activists? It's a travesty! It's disgusting! Nothing is less American than killing Nazis!'  Meanwhile, in games where you can kill all the people you don't like, you're all up in that and shitting on the corpses when you're done.

They call us whiny little snowflakes when they freak out every time a bee gets in their bonnets...

Newsflash, since these ‘gamers’ don’t seem to know, Wolfenstein(an awesome game, every iteration) has been about killing Nazis for twenty-five years. Next to Mario, the original Wolfenstein(with those blocky graphics) was probably the first video game I ever played. Killing Nazis is fun because Nazis are - and always will be - the bad guys. 

This universe, you don’t win. You don’t ever get to win. Consider this your death spiral because once it’s over, you can go back home and fuck off because no one wants you. When things don’t evolve, they die out. 

Wolfenstein isn’t about liberals or conservatives or He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named because of my blood pressure. It’s about killing bad guys. It’s not forcing some radical ideology on people. It’s good v. evil and if you have a problem with that, I think we all know where you rank on the scale. 

Just looking at it brings back the warm fuzzies. And the memory that my Mom loved the game and I distinctly remember her having a huge three ring binder of cheats and maps. Mama’s a gamer and a cheater. Not sure which I’m more proud of. :) 

[aesary]

In which I rant about old friends, little life-taking monsters, and my general confusion over the whole thing.

Between my two oldest friends and their husbands...I’m counting around seven-ish kids. Obviously, I’m not in touch with either of them anymore. One lost a bunch of weight and became a bitch in high school and I haven’t stopped hating her...eleven years later. The other, I love to bits, but my anxiety and general misanthropy keeps me from spending any time with her. Also, I hate kids. I do. I will accept having to be around adults. I will tolerate being around teens. 

But if I can avoid being around kids, I can and will. I have been this way since I was little and there will be no changing that. My parents have accepted that they’re getting no grandkids from me(which is totally okay, my sister has two that are almost adults). Between the anxiety that makes it impossible for me to be around people, my asexualness that has plagued me since I first heard about it in High School, and my complete and utter loathing of tiny, needy humans, yeah...not happening. I’m fine with that. 

And while I can usually see most sides, I simply cannot understand why anyone would ever have kids on purpose. Of those two friends, one got pregnant accidentally(which I can barely accept happens because there are plenty of ways to have sex and not get pregnant) and the other...seriously made the choice at eighteen to get pregnant. I can’t understand that. I don’t know. Is it a hormonal thing? Is it because my sex drive(what I have of one) has never been turned toward other people? Is it because I find kids to be so life threatening that in my mind it is akin to walking through radiation because you like the idea of cancer and everyone else has it? 

See? Doesn’t make sense to me.

[aesary]

Hermegerd!

So the hyperactivity definitely turned into a massive dose of anxiety that was literally only alleviated by lying on my stomach. It did get worse when my neighbor started moving his shit in for some kind of party he’s having over the weekend. I don’t think I need to tell you that I don’t like it. 

And then there’s my illogical fears over this whole reunion thing. Basically, I am going to be glad when this weekend is over because the level of anxiety I’m at right now is not playing to my need to write. I can’t. I have done a little more planning for my NaNo piece. Some backstory, history, fleshing out some bad guys and what not.

Basically me being anxious and lying around trying to work past some of it. And coming again to the crushing realization that I am so ashamed of my life that I’m not me even though I’m trying to be. 

[aesary]

Can’t believe I forgot to put this on here. Slightly ashamed of it and possibly going to work at rewriting it some day when I have a little less on my schedule might be a little to blame. But whatever. 

Rated M for Mature for language and some light sexual situations/references. 

Summary: After his mother dies, Logan returns to the house where a ritual began two generations back. A ritual that is almost complete.

You get two choices of places to read this one! Also, I’ve finally settled on a penname that I really like. Writing alter ego: Kristina Saro. Also the name I’m now using on Twitter

AO3

Wattpad

[aesary]

**Typed up yesterday and literally forgot to post before the computer was off last night, so...getting a post up tonight, too. And just to forewarn, tonight might just be me anxietying all over the place about the reunion I’m not going to tonight and am sure as hell not going to tomorrow. Again, I’d rather flay my skin off on live TV. Doesn’t mean I won’t obsess over it even though I’ve figured out that I have nothing in common with these people and less than zero interest in what they’ve been doing since High School. I know what I’ve been doing since High School and that is already too much. But my blog, my whining.**

October 5th rambles below the cut!

I would assume that it’s a byproduct of the whole ‘reunion’ thing coming up tomorrow. I’m literally being powered by anxiety right now. And it’s good. Kinda. Fast speaking, constantly going going going. But I’m also somehow in tune with the universe, slightly more comfortable communicating with other people(like the dude that tried to clap back at me on FB about my little Futurama/Dark Matter meltdown yesterday. 

I’m surprisingly more eloquent. And I’ve still got some writing to do, a show to catch up on from last night, and Football tonight. Also starting to get a headache and I think I’ve been forgetting to breathe. Sometimes. 

Super ADHD day. 

[aesary]

This morning I lost it again and unloaded the Dark Matter frustration on two other platforms. But I mean, come on! SYFY, why did you have to screw us? And I’ve been hearing whispers today that you held the contract hostage or something to keep others from buying it? WTH? 

In other news, I flipped through(read that as “cyberstalked”) my old high school friends. It’s been ten years since we graduated and this Friday/Saturday, they’re getting together to do some stuff. I say ‘they’ because I would rather slowly peel the skin from my entire body than go. Also I have no money. That’s what being unemployed and living with mom and dad gets you. 

Anyway, I flipped through the pages and realized one crucial thing that is starting to lift some of that weight off me. The me that I am now doesn’t really like these people. I’m not sure I liked them then. I’ve always been an Omega, lone wolf type, but High School is a group activity. Being a teenager is a group activity. Having a pack just makes it easier to survive and that’s what I did. And over a year after we were out, I did what I do and broke off from the pack. Yeah, most of that was anxiety related, but I think it’s what I would have wanted to do without the anxiety. We wouldn’t get along now and if not for the pack dynamics that adolescents adopt for survival, we probably wouldn’t have gotten along then. I bet they don’t even think about me and won’t remember me for this reunion. 

I am Omega and that’s okay. That’s what I’m still coming to terms with, but that’s what I am. What I’ve always been, even though I’ve masqueraded as a Beta and on occasion an Alpha. 

[aesary]

Just to set the record straight: I love Futurama. Have loved it for years and liked it more than the Simpsons. But it already gets reruns on other channels. 

Read on for the rant that finally got here.

SYFY cancelled Dark Matter because SOMEONE ELSE MADE IT. Someone else made Futurama. You’re not going to get any merchandising profits or whatever else you want, you money grubbing pigs. Also, from the comments I’ve seen, unless there are new episodes(impossible), no one’s interested in reruns of Futurama on SYFY channel. 

Are you kidding me? They can't commit to two measly seasons of Dark Matter, a SCIENCE FICTION show, because it's made by someone else and yet they can cop an old show(also made by someone else) for reruns? You say you want to bring it back to genre programming for the fans of SCIENCE FICTION right after you cancel a SCIENCE FICTION show that had solid ratings and a good fanbase that would have stuck with it to the end. Which would have only been two more seasons. Not that big of a commitment. 

But maybe you should go to reruns of old things because you tend to murder every good show that you're lucky enough lands in your lap.  At least you can't kill Futurama like you have so many other things over the years.

You don’t give two shits about “passionate fans” or “genre” or anything else but cold, hard cash. And tornadoes full of sharks.

It's time for another logo change. Instead of anything resembling SCIENCE FICTION, maybe it should be something along the lines of a stylized BS with a tagline of "We're full of shit." 

[aesary]

I’ve realized that I can change most of my “I can’t” statements into “I don’t want to” ones. 

I can’t go to the store = I don’t want to go to the store. 

Somewhere along the way, I began restricting myself with all of these “I can’t” things. I built my own “I can’t” prison. Nine times out of ten, I can do whatever it is. I just don’t want to. I’m turning a choice into not a choice. How crazy is that? That’s how little control I want in my own life. 

Something is super wrong with me.