Mr. H's guide to Ageplay Bigs on how to set and enforce boundaries. And a little bit about avoiding burn out.
But first some pretext. Being a caregiver in this community is not for the weak. I have been around for a decade and a half and I have seen the trends and the discourse change but also stay the same. I will always be a person that will argue till I am blue in the face that the only thing that makes you a caregiver is by saying that you are one. But in general the ones that are good at it will attract a variety of expectations from peers, friends, partners and community. Those expectations will crush you if you do not know how to manage them. As with any problem, there are many ways to tape a diaper. This just happens to be mine and it may not fit into your ideals. And that's ok.
Part 1: Remind yourself that everyone in these situations are adults. I know this is a bit obvious but sometimes it's hard to remember that no matter what everyone who is involved with you in kink spaces is adults. And what I mean by this is that adults should be able to handle tough conversations, rejections, and much more when handling boundaries. THIS INCLUDES YOURSELF, you have an obligation as a kinkster to be able to communicate your needs and boundaries. Because by not being honest you are not giving someone informed consent for the situation they are in. There's a flip side to this and that is that adults are still humans. Humans make mistakes, get emotional, have bad days, etc... Which means I suggest working on how you communicate your boundaries in strong but understanding ways. Because part of the burnout will come from constantly enforcing your boundaries, if you turn every boundary breaking into a conflict you will burnout way more quickly.
Part 2: Find what makes you feel valued. Knowing your desires and what you want is the most important skill you can learn as a kinkster outside of safety. And I think one of the biggest mistakes newbies can make is assuming that as a caregiver you should always feel fulfillment inherently by caregiving. But that's not necessarily true, if that's what you truly wanted wouldn't you be happy with caregiving the first person that you caregive? No there's such things as compatibility, and chemistry. If you have caregived for someone who truly makes you happy, you will feel it. You will probably get burnt out with them at some points. But you will still feel it. There are people who feel valued by devotion; there are tons of caregivers on this site that would be full of love if a little decided to go 24/7 for them. There are people who feel valued by being given a part of their little; who will hang their pictures on the fridge and look at it with a smile every day. Me? I am someone who finds value in creativity. I want someone engaged in my scenes, a day when someone I am playing with comes to me and says "hey I got this idea and it reminds me of you" is a day that I feel loved. And then you have to work on communicating those things.
Part 3: The unique experience of being a Big and how to handle that. Ageplay is unique in which that socially it is more acceptable to engage with it in a friendly and casual manner. There was a school themed ageplay hangout at my local dungeon and I had sat at a table as multiple people came up to me and I "graded" their work and talked to them as if they were a child and praised them. Hell for years y'all have been doing horny homeworks and sending them to me which has led to some light teasing and flirting. And it makes sense right? The inherent non sexual nature of ageplay makes it so the harder boundaries in kink are easily avoidable, especially amongst trust worthy friends. And of course there is nuance here, because everyone's boundaries are important despite how "casual" kink can seem to you or me but you also don't usually ask for consent before striking up a conversation waiting in line to get into a concert either. Obviously I can rant about the consent culture of ageplay for pages but my basic point is that if you are a big in the community, you will almost more than likely be looked to as a caregivery figure for a lot of people. And this may mean that while someone may want to introduce you to their stuffies and that may be one small thing, they don't realize that it's the 50th stuffy youve met this week and you just want to have a normal conversation. Or even more difficult is that most people would think talking about their favorite possession is normal conversation. This gets "worse" after you make friends because they will feel more comfortable sharing what is most likely the most vulnerable piece of their being with you. So what do? I think the biggest thing is getting comfortable with saying no. I also suggest not taking offense if someone asks something of you if they ask politely. Sometimes it can feel like everyone wants something from you and that makes you frustrated that they don't see how much they want but of course they do, friends want things from friends sometimes. It is ok to say no.
Part 3.5: Dealing with the fact that you WILL upset people. For better or for worse if you are a caregiver in this community someone probably will be upset with you at some point. Most of the time, you will probably have something to learn from the situation, maybe being more clear in your communication or maybe you over extended yourself and let a friend down. In my experience most of the people in the ageplay community will have some sort of fears around their little side. Is it too much? Is it unattractive? Is it worth opening myself up in this way just to be hurt again? So of course when those fears are "confirmed" they will sometimes let the emotions connected to that control their actions. That being said, I think almost any time someone tells you that you hurt them you should respond with understanding and self reflection. (Unless you are a minority and you believe these words are a result of privelege) Most people don't do these things out of malice and even if they are being what you believe to be unreasonable, you are not a perfect person and you should probably do your due diligence any ways. I think there is nuance here but the basic thing I want to get across is that most likely someone will be hurt by your actions at some point and try to have a plan for how you will handle that. You are not a bad person because you make a mistake, but you are if you don't learn from it.
Part 4: Being self aware. Listen, I know that you got into this because you like it. It feels great to be able to take the weight of adulthood off of someone. So when the cutie you've been crushing on shoots you a message and is like "hey can you keep me diaper dependent for a week". Your heart's going to be racing with excitement and it's going to tempt you to do this for them even though you know that the mental load of constantly having to check in on the status of their underwear is going to crush you half way through the week. It is natural to want to do things for ones that you care about, add in the fact that you also will get off on it, it will be tempting every time it happens. So what I definitely suggest is knowing your boundaries and holding yourself to them. Especially if you want to set boundaries for people you aren't in a relationship with. It's way easier to communicate with someone if you already have a rule in mind. "Hey I'm sorry I have a boundary that I don't do diaper checks for people who I haven't agreed to be in a dynamic with" instead of "hey I don't want to do that with you" and don't get me wrong both are extremely valid but one is easier to say. But of course it also has to be true because if you tell one person one thing and tell another something else they will most likely be understandably upset. I have rules where I do not do potty charts or bed times, I don't play with people who are not able to tell me or ask me what they want, I never flirt with someone I have met through one of my events I help run after I meet them once. I also always try to define how long I expect these things to happen for with check ins with anything long term.
Part 5. You will get burned out. One thing that I have learned about being an adult is that making choices is a death by a thousand cuts. I have never met a human who does not have a limit for how many decisions that they can make in a month. I think there's a few things that require a lot of energy in ageplay but the one thing that I think will probably burn you out the most is choices. Hell a lot of these points I have made beforehand are just extra choices you have to make. AND I am expecting you to have emotional regulation in those choices too. On top of that usually by the nature of those choices, they are kind of deflating when you don't make them. A diaper that does not get chosen to be changed is a problem that will eventually need to be solved. So eventually there will be a moment where you will feel all of the choices you have made for someone on your shoulders. And because there are literally just very little caregivers around you will feel guilt because if you aren't the one doing it for these people then they just might not be getting it. I find that setting end dates for whatever caregiving I do makes it much easier to reduce burn out. You will be not allowed to pee in the toilet for this weekend, not every time I see you. But I also suggest having a plan for low key little things to do. I will compromise and be like "hey I am willing to make you wear a diaper this Friday but I think other than that I think I need a break" and you know what most people will love that. Knowing you have taken one choice away will be an act that a lot of littles will be happy with. But I also suggest working on not feeling guilty for asking for a break, and only playing with those that respect that break. That means small stuff to, I feel like I can't give an example with out sounding petty and mean but sometimes people will still expect small things from you even though it's pretty innocuous to them it is boundary pushing to me. And I would suggest in that break take some time to re evaluate all of these points, and see if any of them have changed for you. You are allowed to grow and change too.
I don't know if this is even going to help anyone but I figured I would write out my thoughts, please ask questions if you have them.
