[achillesinhighheels]

[aff-ectionate]

Hey

I would say it is tough

All of it

You know i used to use that as an excuse - that we only live once

And then it came true

I lost my love

He actually died

And then now I’m like well..

To live like i have this one life, to live like you never know what will happen, to live like you mean it, life with meaning, that we give it.

So i just feel stumped sometimes

Because with you i feel like i owe many things to my younger naive adolescent self. To not be near you, for her poor sake. Oh what she went through was tough. But should it carry so much weight or power over me? Should it dictate as much? That I’m not sure yet

Can’t i learn and move on? And you as well? Like, we can put our swords down. We also stop performing. And just…. Be…?

Sometimes i think about you and im like well, hope you’re well! And… you know, that it’s okay now and it’s forgiven. Because i don’t want this grudge in my life towards anyone. And honestly yes i can see myself still grow emotional about things. But instead of working against it, i work with it, and at times embrace myself for feeling feelings. And that it’s okay, that it’s been many years. But i view it differently and can comprehend it as well as my emotions towards it, differently, because it has been just that long.

Following?

Sometimes i want to write you off of my life and the planet because of how you treated my poor young adolescent self. And other times, i understand existentially that that cannot suffice in my life, and that if something happened i would still be there for you, and because we grew up together and despite the ever changing pain we caused one another, there was and continues to be utmost beautiful love there, and we shared such a wonderful love together and we’re alive at the same time as one another, and something did click at one point, and for all those lovely reasons, it matters for something.

If i were old maybe id be silly and say “ah fuck em! I should’ve XYZ his ass!” But maybe I’d be like “i wish i didn’t hold onto that so much.”

What i can say is…

I was young. I didn’t know better. Teenagers lacked respect. I was deep and mature in a way that that relationship was not. I would walk away now. It was my life back then. It was my identity. I did love him very very much. I had very large feelings. It WAS that serious.

I understand her more now. At 25. And i would imagine my elderly self will not shame any of my ages. I hope.

Love is my top value. It matters. It is why we are here. My passion only took me to the most grand adventures. The highest highs. The most pure forms of love. And that will always count for something.

[anxeious]

[aaaangel444]

[achillesinhighheels]

[achillesinhighheels]

[achillesinhighheels]

[eymurn]

The older I get, the more I realize being in a hurry is a terrible way to live your life.

[wetheurban]

You have life. You have music. You have nature. You have your lungs. You have your heartbeat. You have your smile. You have a roof over your head. You have people who love you. You have hard-earned wisdom. You have people you inspire. You have growth to be proud of. You have sunlight. You have the chance to try again. You have a beautiful future. You have time.

[sahlesummerhill]

[oldfilmsflicker]

Birders, 2019 (dir. Otilia Portillo Padua)

[aff-ectionate]

Hi ether, Dear ether,

I am now 25 years old, and still floating through tumblr. I have more anxiety in my life now than i ever did before. I am more fearful of the future, others wellbeing’s and existentialism than before. If you can believe it. I have endured more trauma, more tragedy in my love life than you thought you already had. And i survived. It is very difficult. I feel very weird, odd, off, strange and uncomfortable. I yearn for myself. My old self and my younger self. I wanted to get to this age so bad. Why? What was so wrong with how it was? It is incredible how things feel in the moment, and as you age you find it was never as hard as I made it out to be. I was in a Romantic relationship, with whom i believe to be the love of my life. He has passed. I am unwhole. I am undone. Untethered. Now. It has been a journey. I feel very uncomfortable all of the time since he left. I feel very weird and human and raw. I feel very sensitive and uncomfortable. Very sad and down. Like waves of sadness, just like the ocean. And i can’t stand it. I was sitting here thinking about how i am 25. And how do i know if my brain feels different from the grief or because it fully formed? And now i associated a fully formed brain with extreme displeasure. I feel like it’s harder to form thoughts and words like i did before. I felt like i was really good at articulating myself. And now i don’t feel like that. I thought i would become wiser? Better? And instead it feels like the opposite. More sad more alone more scared. I’m working very hard to change all my negative ways. Change all my negative environments. And yet I’m drowning nonetheless. There is a great deal of stress. And it feels unbearable. It feels so hard. Difficult. Strong. And i want to breathe again. I miss who i was. I miss life before this. I miss having less fear. I miss how reckless and daring i was. I don’t know who that was. I don’t recognize her in me anymore. It feels like a death. And it is so utterly sad. I miss her. I miss you Sarah. I miss all the drama of high school. I miss all the friends and groups i had. All the crazy nights. I miss it so much. Nostalgia eats me alive daily. I feel like the only one who feels this way. I feel like everyone has never stopped and paused like this. The people around me anyway. I wish niche life events were talked about more. I want to feel normal again. I want to feel comforted. Comfortable. I want to lay with someone and get lost in the night. I want to feel alive. Feel burning passion for life and happiness. Come back to me

[littlemissihaveaquestion]

Reminder that spring will always come back, music will never stop being created, and there are still so many books left to read! You’re alive! You’re alive! You’re alive!

[achillesinhighheels]

[serratedpens]

Eden Robinson, “Writing Prompts for the Broken-hearted”

[laelia-tenebrosa-deactivated202]

Pia Riverola

[aff-ectionate]

I’m 25 , still here, playing my 2014 sound cloud likes and scrolling on tumblr. Hell yeah