Struggling with gender identity has to be one of the worst feelings known to man. I envy those who feel very distinctly masculine or feminine. I feel caught in this weird place where I don’t feel like I’m a part of any community. I like being viewed as pretty but I like being a boy. I don’t want to be pretty in a femboy way but I don’t want to be masculine in a tomboy way. I want to be handsome and I want to have my hair short but I love my longer hair and I love wearing earrings but I hate seeing my chest but I love how I look in pretty clothing when you can see the swell of them sometimes. I hate having what’s down there but I don’t think I’d be any more comfortable with having the opposite. I want people to see a boy when they talk to me but I am very much aligned with my femininity. I want to be called pretty and handsome and neither, I want people to see a specific gender but at the same time I hate being viewed as anything other than my self.
I could never have sex, I don’t want someone to see me naked in the way I hate seeing myself naked. I hate seeing my face and acknowledging how I look. I’ll never be content with how I’m perceived unless I’m playing a role. I don’t think I have the ability to kiss people either, I hate when people touch me because I know I feel so distinctly feminine it’s embarrassing. I want to be rough and sharp in places I can’t be rough and sharp. But I also crave the attention and softness that comes with being a girl.
I tried being a trans boy, I thought I was one for years- since I was 11 but it never fit. None of the names, none of the attention or pictures. I looked at myself and I couldn’t recognize myself. But I can’t even recognize myself nowadays either. I feel ashamed that no matter what I choose to present myself it doesn’t feel right. People tell me that genderfluid or gender neutral are the right terms but it’s not like that. They’re the closest to what I can align myself with yes but. I want to feel cis, I don’t want to struggle understanding myself.
It took me years to understand where I lie on the aroace spectrum and how I don’t experience love in ways that other people understand. It’s not point blank for me to love someone and I don’t think it’ll ever be what others want from me, but I can love people if I’m shown the right care. It’s just not as open as the normal way of understanding romantic love. Then there are the gender issues, I don’t like being called a girlfriend or boyfriend but I don’t like partner as much either I can’t decide. I don’t want special labels and I don’t want to feel this way, it doesn’t make any sense. I hate myself for it, I hate myself for feeling so tormented by my own sexuality and gender. It’s shameful. I don’t understand how people can be so proud of their sexuality or gender, and I feel jealous that they have the ability to do so. That they’re so sure in where they stand in their own body and I will never get to that point
