Expressing myself

A blog for my written poems, rants, short blogs, whatever. Just a place for me to express myself however I see fit.

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Update: New Job and other news

The last time I updated it was last year when I was working at Starbucks.  Well in April 2015, I was let go due to unsatisfactory work. I knew it was coming but even still,it was a shock to be let go.But I was also glad because the job was taking a toll on my anxiety and depression. I spent the next several months wallowing in my depression and anxiety trying to find something. Then in December 2015, I was informed that the Local Community College library would be hiring a Library Assistant soon. So when the job opened, I applied. Then came several weeks of waiting. Then I got a phone call for an interview and then I GOT THE JOB!!  I started on the 22nd of February and I love my job now. It’s in my field and the director has really taken an interest in me and is training me in a variety of things.  One thing I’ve learned is Copy Cataloging and I find it to be quite fun. I’m also learning other things. But there is one thing I don’t like and that’s the fact that I have a lot of downtime. I don’t mind but sometimes I wish I had a little more to do each day. So to fill in some time I’ve been learning Spanish via Duolingo. So far, I’m up to 34% fluency. I’ve also been making origami flapping birds and stars out of paper. I recently got a glass jar to hold my stars.   I also tend to spend a lot of time on the Internet and Facebook. It’s nice and peaceful though and I get to listen to my music while I work. But it does get a little boring at times. Still though, I’m enjoying my job.  As for my depression and anxiety, it’s improved through a combination of meds and therapy. Also exercise and just me getting this new job. This job has helped me improve. It’s not stressful that it causes me anxiety. Also I’ve been taking Zumba classes at a local gym and have come to really enjoy it. Just a combination of things have helped me to improve. My therapist is so proud of me and how much I’ve improved. It’s like I’m a whole different person. It’s taken a long time to get this point and I honestly thought I’d never get here. But things are better and continue to get better. I’m proof that things do get better and for that I’m incredibly grateful. 

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Quick update

Since it’s been so long since I really spent time on Tumblr, I figured I’d do a quick update on my life. So back in January I got a job at a new grocery store in town. I’m working at the Starbucks as a Barista. It started off ok but now things are just a mess. I’m only working one day a week now and only for about 4 hours each time. My anxiety skyrockets whenever I think about work. I’ve had two write-ups and my 45 day review basically said  I wasn’t made for food service.  The write ups were because I’m not fast enough like I need to be.  I get overwhelmed too easily and panic. Not to mention the disorganization of the store and how cramped it is. We are all basically on top of each other.  I’m back to looking for jobs again because I’m sure I’ll be let go once the 90 day probationary period is up.  So that’s what’s going on with me now. Things aren’t going so well and my depression and anxiety are just complicating matters. 

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List of mental health issues

Ever since being officially diagnosed with Depression, it seems as though it is only one part of an even bigger list of issues I'm battling. 

Severe Depression/Major Depressive Disorder

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety (although my therapist thinks it's more Social Phobia than Social Anxiety)

Possible PTSD from what happened a few years ago

It seems like I just have a lot more going on than I realized

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I don't know what to say about this whole verdict.  It's terrible what happened and the result isn't what people were hoping.  I feel horrible for saying this but it really doesn't have much of an impact on me. 

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Mental Health Confusion

I've been feeling better but at the same time, I've been feeling a bit odd. I've been feeling a bit more teary and anxious than I probably should be. I don't get why either. It's just odd.

Not to mention that I've been triggered recently by something and now I can't seem to stop thinking about the event. :(

Not to mention I've been having sleep issues again.

My brain. I just wish it would make up it's mind!

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Creativity slowly returns

Since falling back into a depression, I'm just now starting to get back to my creative side and I think it has something to do with my new medicines.  It's been a long time I've even felt like doing any crafting. I used to spend hours making friendship bracelets but only now have I started getting back to them. I've put my creativity to use doing other things such as nail art and drawing so it's not like I vanished completely. But it did fade away for awhile. 

Although I'm starting to get back to do crafting and even though I'm feeling better, part of me is struggling to keep the motivation going to complete my projects.  I start and after a few minutes, I want to stop. I force myself to keep going but eventually I give in and stop.  The motivation is there but not yet strong enough. Depression has robbed me of so much for so long that trying to go back is a slow process.  Yes, I'm feeling much more "normal" than I was. In fact, I'm feeling the best I've felt in so long.  Things aren't going to be perfect and I really don't expect them to be.  I still have my moments but things are definitely better than before I began treatment.  Creativity and depression seem to go hand in hand. But I'm at least making an effort to try and get it back. 

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Improving my mental health

I made a huge decision today in terms of improving my mental health. I decided to make an appointment with a psychiatrist.  Up until now,  I've been seeing my primary care physician for my antidepressant adjustments.  My doctor has been great and all but I think it's time that I look into finding someone who specializes in things like this.  This is all my doing. I decide it was time. My therapist didn't suggest it. I'm the one who researched it and came to the decision.  I have to travel in order to see the person. But it's only this first time. Normally the person is here locally on Mondays. I hope this will all work out. I'm extremely nervous already but I need to do this.  In terms of my anxiety and mood, things just haven't been going as well lately. I need an adjustment to my medicine for sure and I think seeing someone like this will be better for me. I'm hoping they'll be able to figure out what I need. 

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Lost confidence

Yesterday my parents and I all had a session together. I'm still trying to sort everything out right now.  But one thing that was brought up by parents was regarding my confidence. I've lost it. I don't have a lot of confidence. I really don't have any to be honest. :(  But I don't know when I lost it. According to my parents, I had a lot of confidence during high school. I was happy and so confident in myself. Sometime during college, I lost it and never found it again.  I was so energetic and did quite a lot but now I don't smile very much. I get overwhelmed too easily. I don't believe in myself and worry about making the wrong choices.  What happened to me? I can think of a lot of things that happened in college that could have caused this. But I would think that by now, I'd start getting the confidence back. Then again, since I was in high school, things have happened that have shaken my confidence levels.  Things have happened that have contributed to me falling apart; that have led me to fall into a depression.  Just being myself, I was already susceptible and then the pressures of college just didn't help.  At least that's how it seems. I don't know.  I'm just in a bit of panicked state right now and don't really know what to do. 

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Losing my religion...

I think I've said this before but tonight was just one of the worst nights in terms of mass. I was so out of it. I was zoned out. I was only half there. My mind was so far away. I didn't feel happy or really anything. I was just doing things on autopilot. I really didn't say anything either.  I honestly don't want to go to mass anymore. It's not doing anything for me anymore. I still believe but I don't see the point in going to weekly mass anymore.  I wish I was still living alone. At least I could make my own decisions about going to mass or not. I should still be able to decide not to go. But living at home with my parents, makes that harder. I don't want to go anymore. I shouldn't have to go anymore. Yet at the same time, it feels like I don't have a choice.  I don't want to go anymore. If given the choice I wouldn't go. At least not weekly. I could be doing other things instead. I loved being able to decide whether or not to go.  It's not that I'd never go again. But I'd like to have that option. I'd likely still go fairly regularly but when I felt like it. It's weird because I used to be so involved with my religion. I used to be part of the choir. I used to be an Alter server. When I was in college, I went to mass on Sundays for the Student meal afterwards. I also helped out and participated more.  Now I don't want to do anything. I don't feel like participating.  I don't want to be there much of the time. It's just not doing anything for me.  I'm sure a lot of this is because of my depression creeping back. I haven't been feeling that great about anything recently. I've lost motivation for a lot of things. I do things to try and make myself happy but I don't truly feel happy.  I wish I could just tell my parents I don't want to go to mass anymore. At least not every week. I'd like the choice to go and not have to feel guilty when I just don't feel like it or be forced to go.  I'm sure that my parents are worried that if I have the option to not go, I'll eventually stop going. I guess that thought bothers them. That may be the case. But if I decide not to go anymore, that's my choice.  It's my life.  I just have times where I don't want to go and it's likely linked to my mental health struggles. Some days I just need a mental health day.If I don't feel like going, I shouldn't have to. I just need to be alone and not have to think or talk to people.  Does that make sense? 

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Back to square one

So it's official as of today, I am unemployed once again.  I'm not really sure how I feel about it to be honest. I guess part of me is relieved but I'm also really confused.  I really can't explain the reasons I was laid off because I honestly don't understand them myself. The reasons I was given don't really make sense to me.  All I know is that it wasn't serious and it wasn't entirely my fault. If anything, it wasn't really my fault at all.  Basically, I walked into what was already a broken system and got mixed up in it from the start. Their was no communication and everything was just poorly run. Basically I walked in to what was already chaos and despite my efforts to try and make it work, it was just never really going to.  I did my best but my best wasn't good enough for them. At least my co-teacher sided with me. She thought I was doing fine and would defend me when they would start in on me.  I honestly don't know how I feel about the whole thing. I feel like I should be more upset about this than I am. I don't really understand my emotions. I felt upset at first but now I'm just confused. Also a bit relieved.  Yet I can't help but feel like I should be bothered more by this whole thing. I've never been fired before. This is the first time for me.  Yet, I don't really feel anything. I'm not really angry nor am I in tears. I'm just numb really. 

Perhaps these past few days I've been off have given me a chance to think about all this and process it. Maybe that's why getting the official news today doesn't really bother me.   I'm not covering up my emotions and making it seem like I'm ok when I'm really not. I'm really ok with it. At least they are for now. Perhaps it'll hit me later but then again, maybe not.   With the way things were going, I guess I'm just glad that I no longer have to deal with it. 

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What if thoughts

So the last couple of days have been chaotic when it comes to my job. The short story is that I haven't been at work for 3 days. Actually I went in on Monday but was sent home and I went in Tuesday but was again sent home. I didn't even bother going in today since they told me that I wasn't coming in until I got a phone call from the main director. She's supposed to be in on Thursday (tomorrow).   I'm already stressing because things just aren't sounding good for me. I'm not even sure I'll have a job after tomorrow at the rate things are going.  I can't help but wonder if that's the reason they've kept me away for the past several days. Perhaps they are keeping me away so that the kids get used to me being away. I hate to think about it being like that but it seems like a legitimate reason for why they don't want me to come back until I get a phone call. I don't know. I'm just not feeling too good about it. My emotions are just a mixed up mess today. I don't know anymore. 

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Some thoughts

"Hang in there"...this is what my therapist has told me at the last two of our sessions.  So that's what I'm doing. If anything, I'm just surviving. Taking a day at a time. 

Really, if I only had to help out and read to the kids and just basically have fun with them, I think it'd be ok. Everything else like the observations and having to lead circle times and such, adds to my stress.

The thing is that at least I'm actually being paid for my degree. Despite it not being in Early Childhood, I still have a Master's degree and at least I'm getting paid a little more because of it. This is the only job that's really paid me for it.  But it doesn't come without a cost.  I feel like it's causing me to go back into a depressive state. It seems like every job that I'm basically thrown into without a choice has become like this and it sucks.  I've only been in this job for going on 2 months and already I dread going in most days. I find myself panicking and feeling just so unsure of myself. More and more I find myself in the staff bathroom just to get away and breathe.  I feel like I can't do anything right.  I'm so lost and stuck at this point in my life. I don't like this job but I can't get anything else. Especially with the education I have. People don't want to pay me for my Master's degree. It intimidates them.  Yet, I can't get experience if no one will hire me and give me a chance.   *sigh* I don't know anymore. I don't feel like I know who I am or what I want to do in my life anymore. I have doubts that I made the right career decision. I know this job isn't what I want to do but others are getting inside my head and making me almost second guess myself. They are making me doubt everything.  It's so confusing. All I know is that I want to get out of here. I want to start my life. I'm tired of feeling stuck. :( 

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Too quiet

I have just been feeling such a whirlwind of emotions lately in regards to work. It's all just extremely confusing and really I'm just tired of it at this point.  Tonight I had to go to a training. One of the things they had us do was describe us as a teacher in one word.  I picked encouraging. The lady next to me is going to be moving to Pre-K since my co-teacher right now will be leaving due to medical reasons.  She was with the 3's class and basically she's Mary Poppins. She's always singing and just seems "perfect". It's irritating to be honest. She's nice but she makes me feel so inadequate. She actually has an Early Childhood degree so she knows quite a lot more than I do. Especially since I don't have one. She definitely has a better understanding of the kids. She's so good that she just makes me feel horrible because I'm not. I know it's because of my own insecurities that I feel this way. She just makes me really feel like I'm in the wrong job. Anyways, she was sitting next to me at the training tonight. She said I should put the word "Calm" down to describe me as a teacher. I told her that wasn't the word. She said I always seem so calm around the kids. But I'm really not and I'm surprised to hear that I come off like I am. I know deep down inside, I'm really freaked out.  She also told me that I'm too quiet. That's actually what everyone says about me. I am quiet but it's just how I am.  She also says I need to speak up more with the kids. Basically, I need to make myself known more. Get the kids to see me with more authority. That's great and all, but it's so easy for her. Basically, I'm supposed to take more responsibility but I don't really know how. She has all these ideas and I just feel like letting her take charge because she knows more than I do. After all, this is her chosen career path. It's not mine.   I don't know. I just feel so out of place. Even tonight at the training with almost all of the staff. I felt like an outsider somewhat. They were all talking and laughing with each other and I did a little too but I still felt like I was an outsider.  I was just quiet.  I know I don't speak up much or say a whole lot. But when I'm with a whole bunch of people I don't really know, that's just how I am.  I don't know. The training was ok but I felt really horrible afterwards. I just felt so down and I still feel that way. Today just felt awkward and I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I'm just so tired of this job but nothing else has come through so I'm stuck with it for the time being.  I don't know anymore. I just feel very frustrated and just feel like crying. Everything is just so confusing. 

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It's been a long time

The whole job thing has been keeping me pretty busy. That's why I haven't been online as much and why I haven't written in a while.  I'm doing ok for now. Not great but ok.  Mostly though, I'm just tired. 

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Rejection

I feel like such a horrible adult because I simply cannot take rejection very well.   I take it extremely hard and I feel ridiculous because I do.  Every time I get a rejection for another job, I feel horrible and broken. I break down crying. It seems like I shouldn't do this every time but I do and I can't seem to stop it.  I just wish I knew why. Why does rejection hit me harder than others? 

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Alternative vs. Traditional medicine?

Ok. So I have a friend from high school that has turned to using a lot of essential oils lately.  She's gotten so involved with them that she has stopped using all prescription medicines.  Instead she uses oils.  Now I'm not entirely opposed to alternative medicine. In fact, I do think it's nice to have some natural alternatives.  However, I'm still a bit skeptical about how much essential oils really work. My friend really believes in them and keeps inviting me to learn more about them. I am interested but at the same time a bit skeptical.  I do think essential oils work but my friend seems to feel like they are "miracle cure". At least it seems that way to me. Not to mention, the oil kits that my friend uses are very expensive which I simply cannot afford right now. Actually, I'm not even sure how she affords them since she has to work at least 2 jobs just to make ends meet but I'm getting off topic.  I do use lavender oil to help me sleep and so does my friend. It does help to a point. I also drink a lot of herbal teas which also seem to help. So I do think natural alternatives do work but to a point.  But I feel like there is a point where it almost seems as though traditional medicine would work better than oils. For instance, tonight this friend is really not feeling great.  So in order to help her feel better as well as help her sleep, she is using about 6 different oils: "Peppermint for my headache, digestzen for my nausea, lemon for the fever, & frankincense & oregano blend for pain (and some tylenol). Oh and lavender to sleep."   Now I look at this list of different oils she's using and can't help but think, "Why don't you just take a normal pill to help with all that?" 1 or 2 pills versus 6 different oils. To me it seems less hassle to take the pills than to drown yourself in so many oils. But that's just my personal opinion. 

There is a point where things such as oils do help but I don't think it should be the only thing someone uses. To me it almost feels like overkill having to use different oils for different things.  Now if I had headache by itself or something, then I could see the oils possibly helping.  But for a combination of symptoms like my friend has? I'd rather stick with a singular pill. As long as it works that is.  Anyways, I just feel like my friend has taken this essential oil thing just a little too far.  

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Empty

My faith is mostly gone. I still believe but I just don't "feel" anything anymore. Tonight at mass, I just felt nothing; empty. People keep saying they'll pray for me which I appreciate but truthfully, I'm sick of prayers. They've done me no good so far. I want action; something to happen and yet nothing. 

I just feel empty. I'm just going through the motions of things.  I just feel lost and confused and don't know which way to turn.  Where do I go from here?