dimple simple

[afterroses]

For the first time,

I don't feel like I have a hole in my heart I need to plug with someone, anyone. A warm body.

For the first time,

I feel more or less in control, that I don't have to dive headlong into something I'm not sure about.

I want to do this right. Not waste your time or mine if we're not for each other.

[afterroses]

Somedays you look at your life and you wonder: this is exactly what I guess I wanted my life to be...right? The champagne. The events. The envy. The VIP.

But no. I liked our struggles. Keeping within a budget. You having to work. Keeping things simple cause we didn't have money. I liked that, because I liked you. I could be just with you, and feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

[afterroses]

I used to think you were my mould, the one who taught me how to love and who to love, and taught me what I never knew I needed in life.

I still remember the first time I saw the light in how I could love you, and fell for that boyish, shy smile. You talked about your childhood, your parents, your secrets. You spoke in a way I could never let myself, despite all these words I eloquently type and hold in endless conversations, with my multitude of friends. I learnt that you don’t say much, so when you do, I know to listen. I adore your laugh, your stories about your day, little references you make that I don’t understand but try to, and just learning to love someone else other than myself.

In the beautiful canvas of words, I hang on to your raw truths, at times honestly brutal and painfully real. We fight and I cast my sharp words upon you and watch as you recoil. After some time, I try to mend what I broke, with little pieces of love and affection, but never knowing if that will be enough for you and if that was what eventually drove you away. Too many words, and the lack of the right one.

I didn’t hear anymore childhood stories, the coldness between your parents that made you sad, your fears. I don’t know how they stopped, but they did.

I loved that you spoke so honestly, because I could never do so for myself. At least for the things that matter.

[afterroses]

But you. I didn’t even notice or remember how we first met. You were shy, hiding behind those glasses and never speaking much. My first memory of us was at a friend’s house, drinking at the kitchen table, just trading stories from our delinquent childhood. You found me endlessly amusing, and I had never met someone so interesting.

In the midst of the chaos, I fell in love with someone I never knew I needed or wanted in my life. With you, I felt protected - getting lost in Berlin, you not leaving my side when I wanted to explore Prague on my own, in our drunken states, simple home-cooked meals when we were home. With you I felt accepted. I would never tell you, but it was the first time no one stared at me when I walked down the street.

That morning when we woke up and it was time for you to leave the city we had made a home of besides the real homelands we came from, we didn't say much. It was a morning of shifting the bags around, getting on the bus, waiting for the train, in semi-silence. As we waited for the train to pull into the station, I quickly went to get you a sandwich - we had forgotten breakfast. "For the ride", I said, and I saw that look of being touched, and being sad. I'll never forget it. You made me share the sandwich. I don't remember our goodbye well, but it must have been quick and cold as I don't do well at farewells and I didn't want to cry.

I spent the rest of the day unable to be alone, and the girls made me Korean food and we had soju, laughing till it was nightfall. When I got back to the house, it was empty. And I was ready to leave for home.

There was nothing else to keep me.

[afterroses]

124

I write this to remind myself that you were once my world, and my love ever remained endless.

[afterroses]

Beds

Unmade beds and expectations

Why do we make them when they unfold when night falls?

[afterroses]

Winter

I remember the afternoon I spent folding your laundry,

waiting for you to come home

That winter,

That time.

[afterroses]

"I’ve made some of my favorite memories with people I will never speak to again.

And that’s the strange part about life; some chapters hold laughter, love, and late-night talks, but still end without closure.

You don’t always get a goodbye.

Sometimes, people just fade into the background, leaving behind echoes of moments that once meant everything.

It hurts - not because the memories weren’t real, but because the connection wasn’t meant to last.

We shared secrets,

made promises,

and planned futures that never happened.

And yet, I wouldn’t erase them.

Because in those moments, even if temporary, we were exactly who we needed to be for each other.

I’ve learned that not everyone is meant to stay in your story forever.

Some people are lessons, some are blessings, and some are both.

And just because we don’t speak anymore doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten. It doesn’t mean I am bitter.

It just means I’ve accepted that some memories live in the past for a reason."

[lustingupon]

[afterroses]

And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences

Sit with you in the trenches

Give you my wild, give you a child

Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other

Some days I think of you and the love we kept in secret.

[afterroses]

The almost love stories, the endless situationships. And you know what? It’s exhausting trying to make it work with the person who never shows up on time, or at all. But when someone isn’t choosing us, we have still have a choice.

We can choose ourselves, and we choose ourselves by saying goodbye to the person who doesn’t deserve us.

When we finally let the person who doesn’t really want us go, we set ourselves free to find something true, something more.

[grace-and-guts]

[afterroses]

Don't ask if I'm happy, you know that I'm not

But at best, I can say I'm not sad

Cause hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have

[labella-instagram]

@luisakempke

[afterroses]

[afterroses]

"His yes means yes; he follows through on his word. I warm whenever he notices I am selling myself short or subtly downplaying my accomplishments. It reminds me that I am the sum of my positives, not the essence of my last mistake."

[afterroses]

Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski

Learning how to put names to emotions and solutions to worksheets and action plans. Hello, 2021.