God I miss him. He’s been on my mind almost everyday since he left. Something willl remind me of him and I’ll start to smile before I remember he’s not here anymore. Not with me anyway. Then that gut wrenching feeling, that uneasy pit in my stomach. Because at the end of the day, he doesn’t want me anymore. It’s this pathetic one way street, as always.
Everybody is confused when they see how heart broken I am over alll of it. They know I’m not the type to even think twice about someone who doesn’t want to be there, I don’t wait around or chase after people. He made his decision and as much as it hurts knowing he wanted to move home instead of stick it out with me hurts, but I don’t think I can ever be malicious or angry at him. I’m so tired. I was alone for so long and even if it was just a facade he put on, he played the part so goddamn well I fucking fell for it. Goddammit. I know it wasn’t an accident. Everyone plays a role in your life until they don’t.
I was at a low point, lost and isolating myself and losing sight of what was important. I stopped feeling. I had to, I never knew how else to cope so I just stopped caring. And this beautiful boy comes along but I can see this innocence in him and I loved it. I loved when he showed that childlike curiosity or excitement and interest in something. His voice - he would talk about work or the news or an old movie and I loved watching him and hearing his voice. Shit. I miss how he’d try not to wake me when he took his dog out early and he’d come home and I’d wake up to a fresh cup of coffee and even if I looked like a mess he’d kiss me all over like I was the person he wanted. I finally didn’t feel like I was second place to somebody. He was so good to me I almost still can’t believe he ever loved me. Maybe the idea of me. Everyone falls in love with with this image of me but change their mind the second shit gets real. I tried so hard to be good enough, to show him that I was learning and trying my best to show him, but I was still so broken. We both made mistakes but I hate that I let my past trauma sabotage every good thing in my life. I hate that it feeds off my fear and pain, years of being silent I hate how much power it has over me.
2020 was fucking hell. A nightmare. It turned me back into this weak, scared broken shell of a person. But I reached out for help. I broke my regular patterns and cycles and told myself enough. And even though I’m still having a hard time understanding all my emotions, I’m proud of myself for reaching out for help. For taking the wall down for once in my life for the sake of feeling like myself again. I deserved more. I try to be a good person to others. I try to be kind to myself, but that’s harder. Especially after losing the one person you might’ve ever really loved because you didn’t know how to. That one hurts. But I need closure and I need to let it go because my past has dictacted enough of my life. It’s stopped me from fully living and until I can accept my flaws and process my trauma, forgive myself and love myself - I can’t expect anyone else to understand me or be there for me. Love me.
I miss talking to him all the time. I would message him when I knew my number was blocked and go on for hours. Telling him how badly I wish he would come home. How sorry I was for ever hurting him. How much I cared about him. But we’re such different people with different upbringings and views on life. I tried my best to compromise for him and I know on the inside he kept a lot to himself which makes me sad because I wish I was that person he’d be proud to bring home. I think about it and I feel like so much had happened, so much static between us that we’d never reach a point where there was just two of us, trusting and showing up for each other. Fuck. I really miss hearing the sound of the dogs excited on wooden floors and him shushing them so I don’t wake up until he’d come home, put on a pot of cofffee and get back into bed barely waking me in the sweetest way.
And maybe I did think too highly of him. I never questions his actions I assumed he’d never do me wrong but I was blinded by everythjbg else maybe I missed the red flags or just ignored them because he made me happy. And damn, maybe that was okay then because if he didn’t come along, I would’ve broke and given up a long time ago. It doesn’t matter either way, I fell in love with a nice boy who treated me right, let me eat cake for breakfast, wanted me around and wasn’t afraid to show it. A boy I could spend an entire day lazing around in bed with and just laugh and have sex and nap and eat and both be so genuinely real with. I really fucking miss him, and no matter how badly I want to say this to him, I know it won’t change anything. He deserves something good and I hope he finds it and doesn’t become jaded and bitter. And I’ll move on eventually, it doesn’t happen over night. But I don’t know if I’ll ever have the same level of unsaid connection with anybody else. Fuck.
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