post heart break @aftertheheartbreaks - Tumblr Blog

I’ve been drinking, and it’s so hard to keep things to myself. So this is my next best thing.

You’re hurting so bad, you’ve got so much going on I couldn’t possibly add to that load.

It sucks though.. so many years of loving you.. so many days and months waiting for you to show up on my doorstep for the 5th time since we’ve known each other.

I remember the moment I saw you, the moment I realized it was you. Walking down 6th avenue east to the shitty little gas station where my blazer was parked. I remember my exact thoughts when I noticed you, quickly followed by sheer panic because you were simply too good to be true.

When we got back to your place we went inside and smoked a bowl or two, watched school of rock and fucked for hours. Complete euphoria while Jack Black echoed in the background. (Funny how we still talk about JB and how much we both love him)

You walked me to my car but before I could get in you grabbed me and kissed me like I’ve never been kissed before. The funny thing is, that wasn’t even “the moment”, that was the nail.

This long after that first day and you are still my kryptonite. All the times we’ve spent together, all the intimate times we’ve shared, the laughs, being each other’s shoulder to cry on, becoming best friends in the end, it’s still you. How do I tell you that seriously? I know we’ve both joked about it, and talked semi seriously about it but goddammit.

How can you not see it when you tell me what you want in a partner and a lover? How do you not realize that what you’re describing is me.. it’s always been me.

Now you’re in a different country, we both have a son with different people, and I’m fucking lost. I haven’t seen you since 2019 and I can’t stand it. We FaceTimed today for a while and I had to hold back tears while fighting the urge to scream at the top of my lungs how much I really fucking love you.

Is this what drunk Kelsey does? Just fucking let it ALL OUT? I could go in forever when it comes to you.

Thank god I stayed up late today, time difference is a bitch but you’re worth it.

#personal #spilled ink #my thoughts #poetry #my writing #writing #prose #excerpts from my writing

And on the worst nights, when I can’t find calm or peace in anything

I lay my head down, try to taunt the sleep my mind is fighting and eventually I win.

When I awake the next morning I find myself seeing little glimpses of you from my dreams the night before, seeing you in the smallest details

“How beautiful..” I think to myself.

This long after memories of you still bring me comfort, this long after you’re still telling me “everything will be okay, everything will be alright.”

How beautiful indeed.

✨

kelseyelycee666

Quotes from my journal #1

“I should apologize to the trees for wasting their paper.”

Here I am, 11:23 pm going through old writings of yours and mine.

You sent me a message the other day about forgetting the future, or the past, something along those lines and

I… never responded.. only recently have I started talking to you again after what? Not that long?

11:25pm

They’re both hard to forget, I think you’re right though..the future is harder to forget than the past.

I try not to let myself get caught up in the what if’s, but I can’t help it sometimes. I’ve always been good at day dreaming.

11:28pm

What if what if what if we weren’t so stupid? What if things were different? If we were different..?

I keep dreaming of you in various ways. Some pleasant and some not.. I just..

11:31pm

I wish I could stop myself from scrolling, our words are incredible triggers for my memories.

#personal #poetry #prose #stupid #excerpts from my writing #my writing

Everything will be alright. ✨✨✨

My brain keeps screaming

“WRITE WRITE WRITE”

but when I get to this blank space all I can think is

“about what?”

“they’re just words”

“not good enough”

The list goes on...

I’ve been feeling this way for a while

but at least I finally wrote something

#personal #writing #poetry #spilled ink #lost love #whatever #hello #hell on earth #support #depressing writing

Do you catch little glimpses of me in her?

I find you everywhere, but mostly in him.

The way he says things, looks he gives me, his favorite movies, even certain bands that you both love.

It’s hard to separate it all sometimes, wading through the mental fog reminding myself that you are not him and he is not you.

It’s a little shitty, isn’t it? Finding bits and pieces of an old lover in your present one.

He wears my Kardeshev shirt more often than I’d like, but what can I say to him? How can I explain why it bothers me without causing drama or ill feelings?

That shirt brings back more memories than I’d feel comfortable admitting to you, and especially him. I only wear that shirt on rare occasions or days where I just simply n e e d to.

Why does this happen with only you, and the memories of you?

I don’t mind it necessarily, sometimes finding comfort in it but why now? Why with him? Is there something I’m not connecting? Am I searching for reasons to remember you or did I truly find someone else who is in a lot of ways just like you?

Yesterday he told me that he almost calls me by his ex’s name a lot, and I was upset that he even mentioned it but at least I’m not the only one who almost slips up.

It’s shitty, isn’t it?

#personal #spilled ink #my thoughts #journal

I haven’t been able to stop listening to this lately, maybe you’ll take a few moments to listen. I know you pay attention to the music more than the lyrics, but maybe you’ll understand why I’ve had it on repeat. I hope you’re well.

#Spotify

A little not myself tonight, I never drink, we know this, but tonight I did and I’m upset that I can’t delete messages I’ve already sent. I’m not even drunk, but I’ve lost self control. It’s not what they say, but it’s just the fact that I broke.

This long after and I fucking broke. I am so sorry.

It’s still so..

easy? Isn’t it? To talk, to be friendly, to be “friends”?

God I haven’t tried to write in what feels like ages.. something I use to find solace in, something once so sacred.

Writing scares me a little now, afraid of what might slip through the cracks, seep onto the paper (or blog).

My memory is shit these days, but I still remember you.

Bits and pieces of our lives together. Songs, inside jokes, walks around the the mall after a shitty meal to make us feel better.

The first time I met you and the last time I drove you home.

I had to get rid of all the pictures from your scrapbook you made me for our one year anniversary before I moved down to the cities and I remember crying while slowly taking each picture out.

I still have that blue book, empty now but I still won’t touch it. I can’t get rid of it but at the same time I don’t know what to do with it.

I don’t know what to do with all these lingering thoughts, so I just shove them into a box with the blue scrapbook and hope they organize themselves one day.

and sometimes I wonder why you cross my mind at certain times.

why when I’ve been laying in bed for 20+ minutes do I randomly feel the need to “check up on you”, or read old posts over and over again?

still.. shit would have been 5 years on February 12th.

I don’t even remember how long it’s been since we parted, I just remember the pain that came along with it.

but the day we met will never leave my head, you had the house all to yourself and you made me laugh all fucking night and not even a week later I knew that I loved you.

I hadn’t loved anyone like that, even now I still haven’t.

unsure of where I’m rambling off to, unable to sleep, alone in bed, all the random pieces of memories I still have flooding my mind is somehow comforting.

knowing even this long after, there are parts of you that I could never forget.

thank you.

and if I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead.

#writing #la disupte #andria #long ago

and also

I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT SOMEONE I SHOULDNT BE THINKING TWICE ABOUT