It really is more difficult to find true love when you're disabled or chronically ill. For what is real love and what is just compassion or sympathy? And even if it is real love, that love will be so severly tested by all the difficulties the disability and/or illness bring to the party that the love simply dies. I have neither spoons nor money to participate in normal life activities so being with someone abled will automatically make me feel left out. It's completely natural. I need to choose my life options so that I can survive and if those life options isn't the same as your partner, then it is really hard to be together.
But it's also that the relationship will never be equal. I will always be dependent on my partner simply because I need help with so many things, practical and economical. Which brings me to the most difficult thing. I tend to fall in love in every guy that's nice and helpful to me. If someone wants to carry my bag or move a bench away from the sun, or simply sees that I'm not doing so great, I want to marry them. That's how fucking desperate I am of finding someone who can and want to take care of me. Because I need to be taken care of. I can't hide that fact. I am not strong. And I am not myself when I'm at my worst because it's my illness you see then, not my personality and who the fuck wants that person? She is such a handful. An angry, crying and frustrated mess. This is why the pandemic with it's restrictions were good for me. The normal life activities were reduced and I could participate without feeling left out. The pandemic made me feel strong. It made me feel equal and apparently equality is important to me in a relationship.
I really don't have any answers to this dilemma. I just want to be loved for who I am AND be taken care of.
But if you're together with someone who is equally poor and disabled, love dies too just because life becomes too hard. A hysterectomy that alters the flexibility of your lady pocket doesn't help either. True story.
I honestly don't know how to handle, or reply, to this.
#sorry #i just don't
