Eightoning

Blog for a canon-divergent Agent 8. He just really loves Fresh Fish ok

[agenthuit]

average octarian commits 3 crimes a year factoid is just statistical error. average octarian commits 0 crimes a year. DJ Octavio, who commits 43847828293484 crimes per year is an outlier and shouldn't be counted

[agenthuit]

freshesthero‌:

She taps her feet, looking around the room as she waits… then the soldiers return, whispering to their leader. Whoever this was they were bringing must be serious business… at least, that’s what she thought until they arrived.

“I’m not usually one to judge based on looks but uh… can they even see out of that thing?” Any other time, she’d have found this dude awesome. But… she needed someone who could actually keep pace with her and with these bad guys, and that outfit wasn’t exactly practical.

“Uh… nice to meet you. I’m Agent 4. We’re gonna be hunting down some zapfish thieves.” 

The big advantage of the Fresh Fish head is that one can easily hide some serious eyerolling. Good job Hornet - his lack of style completely prevented a  diplomatic incident.

“Yeah, I can see out of that thing. Now, I got a question for you; can you hear, with these things over your ears?”

Hornet loved when people underestimated him, and that outfit was perfect, goofy, and managed to make people forget that it was loaded with numerous Run Speed Up chunks. :)

“Agent 8. I was told that I had to keep an eye on you, and on the Zapfish thieves as well. So, what’s our course of action?”

[virtuorco-blog]

@agenthuit​ mistakenly thinks Melo is valid 

“ Do you realize that it’s hard for anyone to take you seriously with that… thing on your head? ”

[agenthuit]

“That’s my work uniform, sir - I work at Wahoo World as a greeter!”

“I’m not here to be taken seriously, I’m just here to give kids a warm welcome and some balloons!” 

[agenthuit]

telephobos‌:

“I’m sorry. I might be burning you a little bit, but… this is really nice. This is some good stuff.” 

“I feel a little better about myself when I hug people...like, I like being close to them. It feels warm.”

“I’m hugging you lots because I feel so cold right now. Outside...and inside too.”

[telephobos]

agenthuit‌:

Okay, he’s just going to bawl some more and hug Memephone; cut the waterworks.

Really, Hornet doesn’t care about the ooze stinging a little, or wetting Memephone. He just wants to hug

A pleased noise comes from the ooze. When you’ve been alone for 10,000 years, you tend to end up a little touch-starved.

[agenthuit]

hug hug hug hug hug cry a little. then go back to hug hug hug hug hug hug

Really, this is the only thing Hornet did right, giving people comfort. The burns were worth it; this goopy boy needed some physical contact.

[agenthuit]

telephobos‌:

“I don’t care if you’re weak. You’re a good friend and that’s what matters! You’re worthy in my eyes.”

Okay, he’s just going to bawl some more and hug Memephone; cut the waterworks.

Really, Hornet doesn’t care about the ooze stinging a little, or wetting Memephone. He just wants to hug

[agenthuit]

telephobos‌:

“You weren’t in control. Please, don’t beat yourself up like this.”

“...I’m weak and stupid. You should get better friends. Strong ones. Not wimps like me.”

“A worthy friend wouldn’t have left you like that.”

[agenthuit]

telephobos replied to your post:

“Hey... hey. You’re gonna be OK now, I promise.”

“Because it wasn’t your fault.”

“But it’s *my* body that put your friend in the blender...so yeah, I still did it.”

[agenthuit]

“Hey... hey. You’re gonna be OK now, I promise.”

LOUD CRYING"...why am I here. You should have left me in the metro"

[agenthuit]

telephobos‌:

Memephone doesn’t seem to mind at all about what happened with Hornet, if the snuggling phone noises seem to be indicative of anything. 

Hyena just takes away one goopy boy, and shapes him in the form of a comfy, warm, and a little sticky goopy blanket 

“Here, you need some rest, jajaja”

Then, he’s just gonna wrap Hornet’s octopus form in the blanket, and carry both of these home. 

There are so many good movies to watch with his bros

[agenthuit]

telephobos‌:

“It’s all good! I took care of it, there’s nothing to worry about… everything’s juuuust… fine….” 

Upon saying that, the goopy monster reverted back into a small goopy boy. If one was paying attention, they’d hear quiet noises. Almost like… snoring? 

Looks like he’s fast asleep now. 

“But I threw him in a blender...and...I wanted to hurt you”

Now, Hornet is just gonna cry, while hugging one sleeping comfort goopy boy. The ooze stung a bit, but he didn’t mind - he deserved that pain for the misery he brought

“You should...should get away from me”

[agenthuit]

telephobos‌:

“Yeah… that’s not happening, not on my watch. Why don’t you go ahead and tell your Professor I said hi.” 

Memephone raised the giant fist over Tiara’s remains, and swiftly brought it down. And then smashed them again and again, until he was sure that the job was done. 

There were screams and there were yells and there, there was only silence. 

Until another voice boomed over the metro’s loudspeakers

“Thanks for activating the Squidbeak Splatoon’s trash disposal system - this is your sysadm speaking. We are currently culling all parasitic mementos out of the metro system; please buckle up and enjoy the ride.”

The ground under Tiara opened up, swallowing her cursed remains - there she goes...while Hornet, still held at bay by Goopzilla, stopped fighting, and fell on the ground, powerless.

“...oh my god, WHAT HAVE I DONE?”

[agenthuit]

telephobos‌:

Well, he’s put Hornet at arm’s length. That could let him focus on the real issue here. 

“Did you really think I forgot about you? No, I’m going to end your reign of terror right now.

MEMEPHONE PUNNNNNNNNNNCH! “

Here comes a giant fist, rushing right towards Tiara! 

The bulk of the giant goop fist managed to literally behead Tiara - the telephone box soaring towards the station’s ceiling, while the bent pole was now nearly parallel to the ground.

Memephone pulls no punch indeed.

KABLAM.

The telephone crashed back into the floor, leaving a small crater - she was little more than scrap metal, now

“I won’t....I won’t...I WILL COME BACK”

[agenthuit]

telephobos‌:

Now that the blender was taken care of, the giant mass of goop focused their attention on Hornet. A giant claw reached out for the Octoling. Maybe he could subdue him until he could figure out how to take care of Tiara? 

No matter what Hornet did, Goopzilla was always able to keep them at at least one arm’s length; the Octoling could never get close enough to hurt the goop with his claws, or a wayward glass shard, yet could never get away from his watch.

Tiara looked on, amused. If these two fools managed to eliminate each other; her new reign of terror could begin.

[agenthuit]

telephobos‌:

If there was anything that Tiara was going to learn from this encounter, it’s that you never EVER mess with Memephone’s best friend. EVER. 

The goopy mass yelled as he proceeded to smash the blender on the ground, repeatedly. He wasn’t even paying attention to Hornet right now, and was more focused on destroying the object that had caused his friend so much pain. 

Gone was the blender; now reduced to a smoldering mass of shattered glass and plastic; the destruction of her prized possession rendered Tiara hysteric - all she could do was yell at the poor Hornet, ordering them to do the one thing.

“MY BLENDER! KILL THEM. KILL THEM NOW.”

[agenthuit]

telephobos‌:

Oh Tiara. Ohhhh Tiara. 

Now you fucked up.

See that little goopy boy? Well that pile of goop is getting a lot bigger now, and it seems to be forming claws as well. That pair of eyebells and NOOT seems a lot more menacing when it’s coming from A GIANT GOOP MONSTER WHO’S DEAD SET ON BREAKING YOUR BLENDER. 

In fact Goopzilla here is lifting up your blender right now! Wowie! 

While Tiara looked at the goop monster in complete horror, the reforming Hyena found the scene absolutely beautiful - the teal ooze colossus was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen

Emerging from his recyclable to-go cup, Hyena had three words for his best friend

“FUCK HER UP”

The clawed mass of ooze grabbed the blender, lifted it, and Hyena couldn’t help but grin while looking at this scene.

“WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, 10 008. STOP HIM”

Hornet headed to fight Goopzilla head on, trying to attack the oozy mass, but it felt like it kept on growing - the more adversity Memephone faced, the bigger he got.

[agenthuit]

telephobos‌:

The little goopy boy bounced on the floor a bit as Hyena was yeeted into the blender. 

He paused for a moment. On one hand he didn’t want to abandon Hornet, but on the other… he didn’t want to lose his best friend. The goop started to shake slightly as he tried to think of a solution. 

Finally, he spoke up.

“…Fine, I’ll leave. Just give Hyena back.” 

“Amazing, I’m glad we could come to an agreement. I’m just gonna.”

Suddenly, the blender started, blades madly whirling around - staining the blender with marigold ink - it was far from a painless splat. It took several seconds before Hyena stopped screaming.

“Oh my, I forgot there was a ten second timer before it started. Oopsies. Well, at least, he was blended alone, so he should reform...normally. With a little Fresh Fish plush, but at least, it’s not like he’s dead for good, right?”

Tiara emptied the yellow ink into a beautiful to-go recyclable cup.

“There you go, he should reform soon enough”

“WEYO????!!!”

“See, he’s still alive! Wonderful! GOODBYE AND DON’T COME BACK.”