my secret journal

thoughts and feelings; a brain dump

[agirljustliving]

I wish I could find the words to explain to you why I feel like I’m drowning right now

[agirljustliving]

Energy

I found my people.

Spending everyday in their energy made my soul feel alive.

I finally felt seen. heard. understood. accepted.

But,

Now I feel the need to retreat.

To take a step back,

and fuel myself again.

My energy.

It made me realise how much I need time alone.

Accept I’m not alone, I’m with me and my energy.

And I need that time to rejuvenate, integrate, create, shift,

anything that popped up while surrounded by my beautiful people.

I love community.

I thrive in community.

But I only thrive if I end the day with me.

My energy.

[agirljustliving]

let the feelings flow through you,

no need for them to stop,

to brew for a while over tea and biscuits.

accept them,

allow them,

to flow through.

remind yourself that this is your home,

not theirs,

you are safe.

and just like that,

they shall leave.

opening space for more to find their way through.

[agirljustliving]

euphoric adventures in nature.

that’s what makes me feel alive.

I only just realised this last weekend.

-

we drove down the coast,

windows open, music blaring.

we found a hidden beach,

surrounded by cliffs and mountains.

there weren’t many people around,

no life guards. no families. just nature.

the waves were huge, triple the size of my boyfriend.

he’s 6ft 1’ by the way…

it was scary, but so exhilarating. so freeing.

as we were swimming, I saw a group of 5 people in the distance.

they were swimming out far and I became nervous.

they disappeared.

they reappeared.

and then I realised.

dolphins.

they were dolphins.

I screamed pure joy.

a sudden wave of euphoria rushed over me, it was exhilarating.

In that moment I felt so alive.

one with nature.

present in this magical moment.

happy.

this is living I thought.

this is the peak of the human experience.

I want to experience this again,

and again,

and again.

nothing will beat this feeling.

and I will be chasing it until the end of time.

[agirljustliving]

So I finally realised that I don’t miss my old life, that I don’t miss him.

I miss the person I was with him.

I was vulnerable, I fully trusted, I loved with my whole heart, and now that’s gone.

Because of him.

[agirljustliving]

losing a brother

i miss hearing the door creak and seeing your little head come through, you were always checking on me.

i miss hearing your constant meowing, trying to steal the food i would make for myself in the kitchen, you were always hungry.

i miss your deep purrs when i would give you the best head scratches, you were always asking for them.

i miss feeling you rub your head against my leg, you were so affectionate.  

i miss waking up and seeing you sitting at the bottom of my bed, you were always protective over me. 

i miss coming home after a long day out and seeing you sitting inside the pot plant waiting for me to arrive, you were always so excited to see me. 

i miss you harley. 

[agirljustliving]

sniffing lavender oil in hopes of it saving me from my anxiety

[agirljustliving]

it's hard feeling safe, yet also scared of being alone with you and your own thoughts

[agirljustliving]

anxiety

the fear of being in this moment.

this is the fear that keeps me awake at night. 

why?

ask my body. 

it comes and goes with no warning.

i am in bed, safe and sound. 

yet, i am in a state of fight or flight. 

my body is trying to protect me from something.

this something is not a physical threat.

it is my mind. 

my thoughts.

the ones that create scenarios in my head.

the ones my body thinks are real.

there is no escaping it.

[agirljustliving]

self trust

i am here today to make a promise to myself. 

i will be your best friend, your teacher, your spiritual healer, your mother, your father, your baby sister, your bed, your diary and your coach.

i will provide you with unconditional love, genuine connection and complete honesty in your life decisions. i will be your guide in learning new things and maintaining an open mind in this closed off world. i will guide you in exploring and healing different parts of yourself that may have been hidden in the physical realm. i will be your divine feminine. i will be your divine masculine. i will provide you with fun and play, and inspire you to dream big and be fearless in this oh so serious world. i will provide you with comfort and hold you in times of need. i will listen to your rants and provide you with clarity surrounding your deep thoughts that float around on my paper. i will motivate you and provide discipline in times of need to stick to your goals and take action. 

i am everything you will ever need, and it is within you already. 

lets build that self trust baby

[agirljustliving]

sitting in stillness with self, and breathing, is so fucking powerful.

why don’t we do this more often? it’s free.

[agirljustliving]

so today I learnt that my thoughts are super powerful…

whatever I think, it can become my reality.

recently my anxiety has been through the roof, I’ve felt sick, and didn’t know what was wrong with me.

yet this whole time I was convincing myself that my anxiety rules my life, that I was sick, and so many other negative things.

my own self was in the way of my own happiness, comfort and ease, yet I was complaining.

go figure…

[agirljustliving]

anxiety consumes me, physically and mentally it comes in waves and drowns me.

I wish I could be normal like everyone else and just live in the moment.

someone.

anyone.

save me, from me…

[agirljustliving]

I feel safe in your presence.

my thoughts, my inner devil (what I like to call it), can’t get to me when you’re near.

you are my home, my superpower, and I hope you realise just how much you mean to me.

[agirljustliving]

my throat and sacral chakra feel free here

[agirljustliving]

are you existing? are you living?

read that again. they’re 2 different words with 2 different meanings.

[agirljustliving]

pressure

i have always struggled under pressure. when there is someone else higher than me, has power over me, and is waiting for me to complete something, i freeze. 

i do the exact same thing with myself. 

i put so much pressure on myself to be healed, not care about what this hate comment says, ignore the stares and the talking behind my back, to be the best version of me with no flaws. 

that last one is the hardest. i put so much pressure on myself to be the absolute best i can be, to then just struggle and be the laziest piece of shit ever that cares way to much about what others think of me. go figure.