letters

unsent letters to anyone i ever loved

[agnesb-letters]

Note #6

A lot of time has passed.

A lot of things have happened.

A lot of feelings, changes, people.

New things. New feelings. New opportunities.

We still talk, but we're mostly just chatting once a month.

I miss some people, i don't miss others, i'm jealous of some, i feel sorry for some.

Life is strange.

[agnesb-letters]

note #5

1. You found me and made me happy. Anxious, and a bit scared, but happy. You helped me get over such a long and painful heartbreak...I don’t think you know that. But i am so thankful for your patience. 

2. I got over you. And i’m so happy about it. I still love you, i still care about you and you’re still one of the most important people in my life. But the painful feelings went away. Or at least most of them...When i love someone, it looks like i’ll love them forever, just not the same way. Let’s watch a movie together soon. 

3. You’re getting married. And i’m happy about it. I saw you two times in the past month. I missed you. And i think your fiancé doesn’t hate me as much as i thought. I think things will be alright. 

Things are great.

[agnesb-letters]

Dear F.L. #2

You’re getting married soon.

I still don’t know how i feel about it. On one side, i feel regret. I feel sad and i want to scream and cry. My other half wants to smile and support you, wish you happiness.

I wonder which half will win before your wedding...

[agnesb-letters]

Dear F.L.    #1

Last night you were in my dream.

I dreamed about us kissing. Passionately. It almost turned into something more. But i guess the brain can’t make up stuff that the person didn’t experience. It was nice. It was exciting. Waking up was not that fun. I was pretty confused. I felt strange. It felt wrong. But at the same time i wished i could go back to sleep, continue dreaming that dream. Strange, isn’t it?

In the past couple of years i realized that when i love someone, when i really fall in love with them, and not just like them, i tend to always love them. I never had an ugly breakup with someone i was in love with, so maybe i wouldn’t love someone if we had that kind of an experience at the end of our relationship. But now, there are two, or maybe two and a half – that’s not the good way to express it, but i can’t find a better way to phrase it right now – people i fell in love with in the past/present that i seem to be still fond of. I still love them in a way. Not the same way, that stage is over. But i still want them in my life, i still want to make them smile and see them, hear their voice, be part of their life, and i admit, i still wish i could be intimate with them, but not necessarily in a sexual way. Because i know how they are. I know how they treated me. And i miss that. The way they smile, the way they smell, the feeling of their arms around me… This feeling of me still loving them...i think others around me know. A few people know for sure, even if i keep denying it. Or kept denying it.

I really miss that certain smell…that one every hoodie of yours had. The smell of cigarette mixing with your cologne. I love that smell. You still have that smell, whenever i get to hug you. I can sometimes feel similar ones, it instantly reminds me of you.

I haven’t hugged you in a long time. Because i haven’t seen you in a long time. Last time i saw you was more than a month ago, for a few seconds, maybe a minute, and by mistake, on the street. I’m starting to feel like  you’re avoiding me. Is it because of her? Or are you avoiding the whole group, not only me? It feels like you do. Like you just don’t want to see me anymore. Or have anything to do with me anymore.

I still have this one picture i should have given you four years ago. There’s some text on the back of it that i wrote. I’ve read it recently. Almost cried. Made me miss you even more. I keep that photo in an envelope, with your name on it, next to my jewelry and makeup. I don’t open it. I glance at it sometimes. I’ve decided that i won’t give it to you anymore. You don’t need it.

  You’re engaged.

  Well….

[agnesb-letters]

note #4

There’s a new song. You told me about it. And about how much you love that new song. I listened to it. And i cried for long minutes because it’s about everything i feel.

[agnesb-letters]

Dear E.I.J.    #1

My heart hurts. I think you might be sending mixed signals or i might just read them the wrong way. I feel like you’re trying to get rid of me. Like you don’t want to talk to me anymore. Like don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. Like you don’t want to spend time with me anymore, or share anything with me. That hurts. It hurts beyond words. But i guess it’s normal. You want to meet new people, make new friends. You want to spend your time focusing on other things. That’s all good, i’m really glad you feel this way. I’m really glad you’re social and i’m so happy you’re making friends. My mind is. My heart is not. It’s not happy at all. It’s a bit jealous and really hurt. While getting new friends and having fun, going to parties, being social and such, you’re leaving me behind. That’s natural. I’m not around. So why would you still focus on me as much as you used to. I was never around…i was there only through the screens. In your phone. In texts, a few voice messages. Mostly in texts. So why would you waste your energy on me…right? Rationally, that’s what i think. But what i feel…Did you just use me as this person you could go to if no one else was there? I don’t think you were. Not intentionally. Thinking about it, i know i’m the stupid one. I should have left all this behind at least a year ago. I should have started to get more distant. To send less texts. To not check on you every day. To get ready, to try to keep my thoughts to myself. To be less dependent. But i couldn’t do that. And i don’t know if now i can do that. Because i’m not ready for it. I might never be ready for it.

I feel sick when i see that you’re talking to that person on Twitter. Or when you’re talking about them. Not sick as in disgusted. But sick as in anxious. I get scared. Anxiety takes over… And i try to fight it. I’m getting better at it, i think. I noticed that i’m getting better. I don’t get as affected as i used to, or at least not phisically. But there’s a downside as well, because where i felt anxiety before, in those moments, i feel depression now. I’m not sure how to express it. I just feel worthless. I feel alone, i feel like i’m not needed, not wanted. I feel a deep hole, a big sadness, i feel something pressing on my chest and a knot in my throat. And i want to hide from the world and cry. I don’t know what it is, i don’t know a word for it. I don’t feel it only when these things come up with you. I feel it more often lately, i get really bad moodswings and i feel all those things, even if i just sit and think about my life and myself for a few minutes. I’ve never felt like this before. I was happy. I was a cheerful person. I was really active and i was really positive. I wasn’t a big optimist, i was more of a realist, but i was more happy, i was more confident. Oh the confidence. That’s all gone. I used to be one of the most confident people i knew. Now all that vanished. The internet is telling me all this might be mild depression? I don’t want to call it that. I wasn’t disagnosed, it’s not fair to call my stupid moodswings, anxiety and lack of confidence depression. It’s not that. I just don’t know what it is.

I cry a lot lately. In the past year, ever since that one breakdown in last October (after you told me about that person) i’ve cried more than ever. The fact that you were there for me… it helped me keep myself together. When you said „i’m over you”, something inside me broke. I should have known. That was the plan all along, after all. For you to get over me. But for some reason i was hoping that even tho i was lying, you would feel the truth. There were so many times when i felt like you knew it. But maybe you didn’t. I don’t have the right to say that you broke my heart. Because you didn’t. You didn’t know about it. Because i didn’t tell you. Because i thought it’s better this way. Because i thought it’s the best for us. We would get over it, and we would still be really close friends. Because i loved you oh so much, you meant so much to me, you were really important. You still are all those things. I still love you oh so much, you mean so much to me and you’re so so important. But i’m not for you. Because the plan backfired. I should have known it won’t work out. No plan ever worked out the way i wanted it to. It backfired because i fell for you. More and more every day. And i kept falling for 3 years. Deeper and deeper. And as it grew on my side, it faded on your side. The plan was for that feeling to fade for us both. But no plan works out the way it was planned, for me. So you didn’t break my heart. I broke my own heart.

We had some periods, when it felt like we both feel the same way. When it felt like we’re dating. For me, at least. Maybe it was just my stupid mind, it was only me who felt like that. But it was nice. I felt like if i would ask you if you would like to date me, you would say yes, for sure. Was it just me?

And now it hurts. It hurts so much. I could get over that fact that you don’t love me the way i do. The way you used to. But it seems like i can’t get over the fact that you’re leaving me behind. Even though it’s normal. But it hurts. Because you are this solid spot in my life. You were the person i knew i can tell anything to, you were someone who i knew would listen, even if they couldn’t help. But you were there. And you helped me through some of my hardest times in life so far. You were there.

Are you still there?

[agnesb-letters]

note #3

i lied every time i told you “I’m sorry, i don’t love you that way”, and i thought it’s better this way because we’ll get over it...you got over me...i still couldn’t get over you...because i knew the truth.

[agnesb-letters]

note #2

i'm worried that this love that turned into sadness might turn into anger and/or hate.

[agnesb-letters]

note #1

i try to make the letters i actually send you extra cute, because i’m hoping you will smile when you open them