A Good Christian Girl

[agoodchristiangirl]

The Heart Of The Body

Church small groups have always been something that's both fascinated and terrified me. I don't know if your experiences are the same as mine, but it seems like all the leaders have the same mindsets, same unquestioning faith in the system they are following, great hair and straight teeth. And most of the time play guitar.

Ok, so the last part is extreme. But, I'm right. You know I am.

Each week they gather their small flock together (probably on a  Wednesday night) tunelessly play guitar, worship, speak over the lives of those who they are sitting near and pass around the homemade brownies they made a couple hours before. 

So far there is nothing 'wrong' with this. But something I've noticed over my 20+ year career of Christianity is that these people seem overwhelmingly cut from the same cloth. No matter how many groups I visit, the women are sweet, soft spoken with higher pitched voices; the men are direct, courageously bold and use their hands to emphasis biblical points. 

Growing up I've always felt a little out of place in these environments. In middle school I mainly just stared quietly in awe of the female roll models that were before me. As a high schooler I tried (desperately) to become the soft spoken sweet woman of God I was supposed to be. In college I had pretty much accepted the fact that I was broken. Mismade. Dysfunctional as a female in the Christian church. 

See, I am a strong, independent, stubborn, question driven, fierce woman of God. And that scares people (especially Christians). It always has and it probably always will. I have no interest in working in childcare, cradling babies on Sunday mornings, and I do not look to male leadership to guide my positions on homosexuality, abortion or any other red letter issue. I would much rather be preaching behind the pulpit than teaching in a back room with flannel boards and I enjoy all kinds of people in the churches that I attend. Tattooed, Gay, Single, Married, Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, Feminists, Democrats, Republicans, Artists, Politicians and any other person who feels so inclined to be there. 

This makes me dangerous. 

Once I aspired to be a small group leader. I put in my hours, committed to the church for years and had perfected my brownie making skills.  But I STILL didn't fit the mold of who they wanted to inspire their teachings. So, when I applied I was turned down. Over the years I've wondered why this was. I wasn't given any reason other than that it wasn't on their hearts for me to become one. It wasn't a good fit. I was a bit too liberal, too open minded and far too openly accepting. 

Sometimes I wonder where the list of specifications came from that makes up the churches expectations of what makes a proper Christian. I would like to think it was from the Bible, but I don't think that's always the case. We judge based off of skin color, political leadings, education, and stances on hot topic issues. We qualify based off of our own prejudices instead of the hearts of those who stand ready to serve. 

As broken people we create a chasmic system even more flawed than the ideals we propose. Personally I got over my rejection pretty fast, middle fingered the system and went on to bigger and better things, but I still sometimes wonder when the hearts of individuals will lead the church. When will faith overcome preferences? I can only hope the answer is soon. 

-E

What about you guys? Have you ever felt like your personal preferences or leanings caused you to be looked down on by the church? How did you handle it? Message me! I want to hear your thoughts! 

[agoodchristiangirl]

"In separateness lies the world's great misery, in compassion lies the world's true strength." Buddha

As a twenty-something there's a lot of pressure to be establishing myself in a career, with a nice car, amazing husband and plans for 2.5 children. There's a constant push to achieve! Achieve! Achieve! Never mind finding your voice, your talents or your passions. Simply sign up for a cubicle and you're on your way. 

I think, as a Christian, this view is a square trying to fit into the circle of my life. Although, a lot of the time, I feel like it is over emphasized among the "religious". I don't know if I'm ever going to make more money than the average for my graduating class. I don't know if I'll ever drive a BMW or marry the perfect man. But, you know what? Either way it shouldn't change the core of who I am. There is beauty in the wanderings of a questioner. And I have a lot of questions. 

And in the job market, a big one is, "Who will this job turn me into?" 

They say that the five people you spend the most time with are those that shape who you become. Having worked in high stress commission sales environments I can tell you, from experience, that my over achiever and competitive nature does not turn me into a nice person there. I turn into a backstabber, a liar and someone's who is highly depressed. Yes, there's a lot of money there and I'm kick-ass in high stress environments. But there's always going to be a push to succeed that, again, comes down to the question of, "At what cost?" 

Who do we have to step on to reach the next wrung of the corporate ladder? How many back stabs to win the right to drive that BMW? How many compromises to make any guy (because, really, it doesn't matter which one as long as he has a car, job and brushes his teeth) pop the question?

We are a society driven by aggression. And those who show love and compassion often end up being stepped on and thrown under the bus in the process of the clambering crowds.  

What does this have to do with Christianity? Everything. 

As a Christian the greatest concern, commandment and obligation I have to the world is to love. Extravagently, courageously and without reserve. 

Does this mean I'm forced to live the life of a pauper? No. But it does mean my level of consideration in life choices has to span beyond purchasing a pair of TOMS. In order to love those around you, you have to KNOW those around you. And that sometimes means working for nothing in a nonprofit in the middle of Africa. Other times it means being a coffee intern for a company which you believe in and want to pursue a career at. 

It's not going to look exactly the same for any two people, and it might look ridiculous to those outside of your mindset. But knowing yourself well enough to make momentary sacrifices for long term successes (in whatever form) allows us to find ourselves and discover the true people we are called to be.

-E

What about you? Do you guys feel the stress when it comes to achieving just for the sake of achievement? How do you cope? Message me! I want to hear your thoughts!  

[agoodchristiangirl]

My Favorite Word

Bastard has always been one of my favorite words. Mainly because it was the descriptor I related the most with while growing up. Kings had bastards: their illegitimate children, who were never acknowledged as heirs to the throne. So, I think somewhere in history class, I decided that being born from two people who loved each other but hadn't exchanged vows was a noble thing. And I embraced it. And, for the most part, so did everyone else.

The main time this bubble of acceptance was popped was while I was in church. Hearing what pastors had to say about "the sinful children of the sinful people who sinfully had sex out of the sanctified holy matrimonial covenant" always made me squirm a bit in my seat. 

The kids around me always knew that me and my siblings were being raised by a single mother, but I never told any of them the backstory. I let them think my parents had gone through a horrible divorce (which, for some reason, was more acceptable) or that my father had died tragically in a car accident when I was a young child. If they wanted to label me a child of divorce or parental death, then I was all for it. 

Never did I feel 'safe' when the issue of sex outside of marriage was discussed. The overall feeling I got from the church was that children born that way were to be pitied for their sinful parent's shame.

Why was it that I was marked by the actions of two grown adults who made a decisions resulting in me? Wasn't I worth the same love and acceptance as the rest of the all-americana-two parents-white picket fence kids at VBS?

The answer seemed to be a resounding no. No love, only pity.

Growing up this way, I never felt wholly accepted in the church. I felt like it was something that I could attend, but never be a part of. And it wasn't' until the last couple years that I decided this feeling was bullshit.

Christianity is about making a personal decision to follow Jesus Christ. And having made that decision, I have the same amount of access, permission, VIP (whatever you want to call it) to be an active and valid part of that community. 

The last couple years I found myself in a position where I actually ended up working at a church. Which, I can honestly say, I NEVER thought would happen in my life time. Through the experience I learned that, perhaps the people I had grown up hearing preach of my deficiency were, in fact, merely trying to validate their own. 

I believe there is beauty in marriage. But it is not perfect. I think the security of having two loving parents committed to each other is a beautiful thing that no one should devalue. But signing a piece of paper does not signify a superior level of love or commitment between two people. AND MOST OF ALL: I believe that the loving and caring hard work of the single parent who works multiple jobs and sacrifices to bring unity to their family is just as, if not more, worthy of recognition. 

I am not scarred or broken because of my parents' decisions. I am not less or deficient because of their choices. I am a human being as capable and worthy as any other to stand before a jury of critics and state that I will be judged by my decisions, and my decisions alone. 

And every other illegitimate bastard can stand with me. 

-E

What are your guys' thoughts? Any other bastards out there? Single parent raised? What were your experiences with the church? Message me! I want to hear your thoughts!  

[agoodchristiangirl]

Running The Gauntlet

College is one of the most formative times of your life. It's a time of learning, exploration and, many times, dread for the parents of students who head off to strike out on their (kind of) own for the first time.

Will they make the "right" choices? Will they kill themselves staying up too late, eating only Top Ramen and running around with "questionable friends"? 

For Christian (or otherwise religious) parents I think this is an especially hard time. Letting go of their children and sending them off into the real world is a make it or break it moment. 

It's the first time, for many of us private school education, highly watched, guarded, protected, monitored (you get the point) students to be in a place where we make our own decisions and learn how to really defend them. 

When I went to college I was pissed off at the world. At that point I did consider myself a Christian, but I was so angry from family issues and seemingly being "replaced" at home that I really just wanted to watch the world burn. Sounds dramatic? Welcome to my life. 

But this isn't a story of how Jesus came to me in a dream and changed my life (I think that would be fucking awesome, though), saving me and turning me toward the church. 

It's more a story about how my arrogant ass was hit over the head by questioning students, professors and friends who asked me WHY I chose to label myself as a Christian? I had to actually think about it for the first time. I wasn't constantly surrounded by my church buddies who generally always agreed with me. And it wasn't ok anymore to just say 'Christian' and pass through the conversation. I had to answer WHY? 

Long story short, it took me traveling half way around the world with a group of friends, stepping back and analyzing my life, and really diving into my beliefs before I could walk away from college and say that...wait for it... college made me a STRONGER Christian. 

Not because I was made holy on the sidewalk, but because I was questioned, challenged and met some awesome and crazy people who I had ridiculously long, fantastically late debates and discussion with. They pushed me to think outside the box and really establish or walk away from my faith. 

I made my choice, and many of my friends made theirs. We all walked away from college a little different. We were changed, and made more ourselves, regardless of the decision. We are not broken because some of us decided Atheistic, Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu or frolic with the unicorn ideals were the direction we wanted to travel. But we were informed, challenged and then given the opportunity to make our choices. OUR CHOICES. And I think that's beautiful, no matter what they were.

Because I don't think life is a journey about finding the perfect path. I think it's a challenge to find ourselves and then pick one.

-E

What about you guys? How did college challenge you to think beyond what you'd been told to believe growing up?  Message me! I want to hear your thoughts!

[agoodchristiangirl]

What This Blog Is About

So, I guess I should write what this blog is about, right!? I mean, why am I sitting down and taking the time to type out some random thoughts and then shooting them into the world of Tumblr. Honestly? Because I can. But, really. Why the hell not!? 

So, before we get into the actual posts - here's a little about me:

I am a recently graduated journalism major extraordinaire who still uses spellcheck sometimes (for worlds like extraordinaire). I love being crafty, eating Nutella out of the jar and I consider myself a Christian. Be not afraid. I said it, I know. 

Exercise Time: I want everyone to say it together. 1... 2... 3...

"Christian." 

FANTASTIC! I'm so proud of you guys! 

And now that we've desensitized ourselves to that 'awful' word. I'll tell you why. 

I believe whole heartedly in the draw and pull that causes each person's heart to beat for another. I think love is all we need. But sometimes it gets messy, screwed up (no pun intended) and heart wrenchingly painful. I believe that courage is something not only admirable, but necessary in the world today. And, unfortunately never less acknowledged. I believe in the miraculous, not because someone told me to, but because I've seen it (we'll talk about it later - crazy shit happens). And I believe that the name of Jesus brings life to those who speak it. 

I also believe in a faith which requires us to question. Who, what, where, when and most of all WHY? 

And those are the exact questions I plan on asking here. Feel free to chime in and send me a message, question or comment. But beware, I'm not here to argue, merely reflect on my life and see if there are others out there that relate. These are my thoughts and nothing more. I am no theologian or prophet, only a girl with questions about life. 

I hereby claim to have no answers. But that's half the fun.

[agoodchristiangirl]

In The Beginning...

Probably the minute you read this URL/blog name you snuffed unattractively and twirled your little mouse scrollie-mu-bob to speed farther down your feed. You probably have no interest in listening to the typings of a overly sarcastic twenty-something with opinions on the world. 

That's what Facebook's for. 

And I'm not even your friend! So, why should you listen to my ramblings?

You shouldn't. Well, I would love for you to, but there is no reason why you "should". I have just as much life experience, education, life responsibilities and mistakes as the next person. But I figure, if there's somewhere to talk about these maybe, just maybe, we'll be able to figure some things out together?

In or out, you already spent the last five minutes of your life reading this post. So why not follow for a bit? I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship (and yes, I stole that from a movie). 

-E