Who to fight: M*A*S*H Edition
Hawkeye Pierce: Dude of course you want to fight Hawkeye, fight him in the middle of camp and punch him in his smug mouth. He can’t fight for shit and he’s probably drunk anyway, but he might make you feel bad about winning and hate you forever. Don’t listen to the lies, you wanted this, everyone wanted this. Fight Hawkeye.
Trapper John: Like I guess you can fight Trapper but the man’s built like a brick shithouse and those arms of his have spent a lot of time hurling footballs around, it could get pretty nasty. If you want to take him on though at the end he’ll probably buy you a drink, no hard feelings. Sure, fight Trapper.
B.J Hunnicutt: Do not fight B.J. This is a warning for your safety, do not fight B.J under any circumstances. He is a ball of repressed rage just waiting for somebody to start some shit, and you may win the battle, it’s a 50/50 chance, but you cannot win the war. He is a sneaky motherfucker and he will get you back. You don’t know where or when but he’ll get you, you’ll live in paranoia and fear for the rest of your life. He’ll be there. Waiting. Also he doesn’t have a real name, possibly a witch??? Do not fight B.J ever!!!!
Hot Lips Houlihan: Margaret is also a ball of rage and will go hog wild at you, every object will become a weapon and watch out, she bites. But it’s not impossible to take her out if you watch her wild swings. If you win you will gain an enemy for life though, so be warned. She will follow you around forever. If you’re looking for a challenge fight Margaret.
Charles E. Winchester III: Charles is a big man and good at haranguing people but the upper class don’t know how to fight without paying someone to do it for them, so if you want a little social leveling do it. He’ll shout a lot but will get very confused when you start fighting him, he won’t expect it. Break the system, fight Charles.
Radar O’Reilly: Why the fuck would you want to fight Radar??? He’s a small sunshine boy and you want to punch that innocent corn-fed face? Granted, he’ll put up a fight but it’ll be like being attacked by a tiny puppy, and the entire camp will come down on your ass. You will be destroyed. Everyone in camp will take turns beating your fucking cowardly, morally bankrupt ass to Tokyo and back. They’ll take you down. Don’t even think about it, not just because it’s sacrilege but so you don’t have to eat your food through a straw for the rest of your life. Don’t fight Radar.
Henry Blake: Henry is basically a pear with noodle arms so if you’re looking for a quick victory all you have to do is get inside his reach and he’ll fold like a bad poker hand. Fight Henry.
Frank Burns: Absolutely fight Frank anywhere, anytime. Fight him in the Swamp, fight him in the mess tent, fight him in O.R. He’s easier than Henry so one punch in his stupid ferret face and he’ll crumple and start crying really pathetically but you won’t feel bad about it. It will feel good. Do it, I highly recommend fighting Frank.
Maxwell Klinger: Dude, do you think a guy who has gone to such lengths to get a discharge will not take this opportunity? It might get weird, he might try to get you to break his legs or lightly stab him or something. But it won’t be a one-sided fight, he will come at you with everything he’s got so be careful, Klinger fights dirty. I guess you can fight Klinger if you want.
Father Mulcahy: Dude, dude why would you fight the damn priest? Like not only is he the priest, he is the sweetest person ever and also a right hook like the wrath of god. Not only will he completely hammer your fool ass into the ground, you’ll be lying there regretting your sins when you’ll get struck by a bolt of lighting and then Father Mulcahy will make sure you get into Heaven anyway because he is such a nice guy. Don’t fight the Padre, you awful sinner.
Colonel Potter: Colonel Potter may be a tiny adorable old man but he has lived through like ten world wars and he will fuck you up so bad he’s going to play polo with your head and then paint a picture of your shameful defeat. Don’t fight Potter.
