The truth of it is this : he has felt like this once before and he had been freed as he has been here and now ( but it was different, then, it was worn hands grasping his face and a soft voice and gentle words and a too sharp knife at his throat and sawing away at that which bound him and he had been cut and he had been bleeding but he had been FREED and ran and only looked back once —— twice —— thrice —— the love which damned him ) and he is shattering / as he had then. He has been —— eviscerated. They had bled him and bruised him and scarred him and he lives, but his innards have been strewn across this blood splattered floor, they must have been for all that he is physically whole. And he struggles to comprehend the emptiness that persists in him despite the return of his magic and the burning of the collar, which makes him feel better, but only just.
Focusing on something else makes it better. Focusing on something which isn’t himself —— which isn’t their roles : reversed —— which isn’t the world turned inside out / his skin turned inside out / his organs spilling across the floor —— which isn’t her hand holding his and her voice commanding him to STOP and he has never been able to stop and he has never been able to let go of things which hurt him. But he cannot fall apart —— refuses to fall apart.
The key to not falling apart is : DISTRACTION. Distraction with vices / distraction with focus / distraction using anything and everything which is not the threat of falling apart and trying to fill that void inside of him / distraction from the separation of self.
She keeps trying to heal him and won’t look at him and he is full of useless frustration that begs to find something / someone to latch onto and there is only her in the room full of blood and dead bodies and the acute loss of self. It is no excuse and there is never any excuse for the extent that he can be CRUEL and he tries to swallow the bitter words that coat his tongue and struggles against the compulsion to unbecome.
The words burn and he struggles against them.
❝ Festis bei umo canavarum —— you’re hurt, ❞ he can’t keep the irritation from his voice because she is and she’s hurt because of him and she is a MARTYR and she has tried to die for this world again and again and the world demanded blood and sacrifice from her and she gave it. He cannot be ( refuses to be ) like the rest of the world : demanding and wanting and needing her. But he needs her. ❝ Maker knows you won’t heal yourself, and I’d much rather you STAY ALIVE. As much as you may not want to, ❞ concern and weakness and anger warp themselves into cruelty and he thinks about it, sometimes. I WANT TO STOP. I WANT TO DIE. Not something anyone would soon forget. Is it selfish, to cling to her when she may not be meant for this world, after all?
Perhaps. He has always been a selfish man.
❝ ——— I apologize. That was unworthy, ❞ two apologies in the span of mere moments !! A new record. He is tremulous and vulnerable and needs to redirect her focus and wants to leave this place and wants to keep her somewhere SAFE. There is nowhere safe in all of Thedas, for her : savior / symbol of hope / Inquisitor no longer. Not as long as Solas is out there. Not as long as the Venatori are still active. And there is nothing he can do to make it safer for her. Not a thing.
❝ Save your magic —— there may be more of them, and I’d like to leave this place, ❞ a struggle for equilibrium, and one that he is losing : bit by bit. And he moves to stand : to spite his weakness and his hurts and the collar, still burning in the corner. And to spite her, as well, in some ways. His head spins and he fights the physical need to wretch as he moves and supposes that he is spiting himself, most of all.
He says ‘you’re hurt’ and that heart she had been fighting and struggling to save from collapse screeches, it screams, shattering; an explosion trapped too small within her chest. Like the mark / her chest bursting as the anchor at away at her, loud and bright and she grasps at it, fingers twisting into leather and cloth --- it hurts and she thinks she might die but just like before she can’t. So she doesn’t. She manages to keep it swallowed even past the mockery of her DESIRE TO DIE and the apology for that mockery. But he demands she save her magi and Ahvir bites, the hurt exploding out of her not as sick green light ( like then ) but as words.
“YOU’RE HURT!” she shouts, voice breaking, reaching dangerous brightness. She can’t keep the masks on anymore; they’ve cracked like her and she is drowning in the loss of self and the inability to regulate and she cannot regulate this. Cannot regulate her love for him and cannot regulate the way that she can’t fucking stand to look at him and see him like THIS. There are things that even after everything she can’t endure and THIS IS ALL OF THEM.
( he is hurt he is bleeding his heart is bleeding because she wasn’t fast enough she was here and she still let this happen and her most important person is suffering and she can’t fix it and she HAS TO TRY. )
“Don’t you tell me to fucking save my magic like I’m not more than skilled enough to handle this,” she hisses, entirely without generosity or care and fucking drowning in her own too - sharp love. “Don’t you dare try to make me stop when you know that I -------”
The words choke past the tears in her throat and her eyes and she hasn’t cried since REM but she is crying here and she and she and she can’t breathe, hands / hand shaking but pressing back to his cheek, trying to heal him even though he blurs through her tears. The shock of AHVIR CRYING is enough to shake her out of her rage, if only somewhat. The tears mark tracks through the blood on her cheeks.
“We’ll leave. We’ll leave. Just ------ let me fucking h - heal you enough that you can walk.” She wants to wipe the tears but can’t acknowledge them / can’t pull her hand from his body to stop healing / can’t breathe. Can’t breathe. Can’t exist in this space where he is hurt because of her. She knows that’s selfish but it’s true. “I love you. So listen to me for once in your --- in your fucking life.”
blakekathryn
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