Turns out i've been part of a drama all along and i didn't realize until now??
Okay I know I never use this account or blog but i need to put this out there cuz i just found out and i'm rolling on the floor out laughter.
When I was 15 I met my first system friends who I still have contact with and value a lot. I told them that everything they did, I also did it too since I was a child, and that's how I realized I might be a system myself. I finally went to therapy, got diagnosed with a lot of stuff, and discovered that yes I am a really traumatized and fragmented individual. I won't go into details, not at all, but I have a lot of religious-related trauma and RAMCOA trauma. I haven't figured it out completely yet, it's still blurry and scary, something very difficult to overcome, but it's important information for the things that have been said about me before by these people.
So, these two system friends - I'll refer to them as Leo, my current partner, and Luna - invited me to a server for people with DID. I thought, "ah neat, I could find out more about these symptoms there". This server was named Slumber Party or something like that, but due to other problems i barely know about, the server got dismantled and erased. One of the members of that group, Persmo, they wanted to create another space for DID systems so they went ahead and created Jardin Plural (Plural Garden). I was invited by the same two friends, who were friends with Persmo. Then everything got a little weird.
I was 15 or 16 at the time, so I did pretty immature and childish things. Which i regret and I already apologized for. I was still discovering my own trauma and system, so I said a lot of invalidating things towards RAMCOA survivors, I guess. It was just a reflection of my own self hatred and I don't agree with anything I said back then now. Anyway, if I offended anyone in that server I'll apologize again now too. Sorry.
I understand the things I would say, like "conditioning is just normal human behaviour" or "everyone is a bit programmed" could have been hurtful and invalidating, because they are. I didn't understand that at the time but I do now, I am 17, almost 18 and of course I will change mindsets a lot in that span of time.
Even then, I was making people uncomfortable so Persmo reached out and quarentined me (this was something they did to problematic users when they were breaking the rules, and I didn't mind being called out). Persmo explained that they felt uncomfortable talking to me, and that if I could, that I didn't interact with them for a while. They said they would tell me when they would be able to interact with them again and I agreed, but the notice never came. I thought, well, this server is Persmo's. They are the owner. How can I not interact with them here? I will surely forget... And I don't want to make them even more uncomfortable. That's the least I wanna do. So, with that thought, I left the server along with my bf Leo. The plan was to stay outside of the server until Persmo came in and said it was okay again. But that never happened. I thought nobody missed me, nor hated me there. Because, why would they? I was minding my own business, away from them. But they were hating me. They were talking shit about me, and... Okay, well deserved. I had a pretty unstable and immature mindset, so it makes sense. But I'm not that kinda person anymore, I grew, I discovered myself, I gained experience and I made new friends. I'm not that 15 year old guy anymore, I'm another person.
After like, what? Four months? Away from that server, I changed my name from CalƩn (derivative from CalƩndula) to Dandelion (well... Dandelion). I used my name change as a way to feel like a more stable person. Calendulas are flowers that symbolize sadness, grief and pain. I used to relate to those things, hence the name Calen. But i don't anymore, now I wanna be perceived as a Dandelion: strong, resilient, and kind. Overall, respectful and respected. I don't want to be someone who identifies themselves as suffering, as a burden or as a permanent state of grief. I don't wanna cause anyone more suffering and that's something I got rid of with time.
These people have been mocking me, my personality and my boyfriend for a while, and I never realized. I joined another server for DID systems but i think I got kicked out, along with my boyfriend. Never got told why, my best guess is that we said very inappropriate things because we were immature teens with a very green, dark humor. I'm sorry about that too.
Sooo, I just wanted to talk about this so people could get to know my side of the story. I don't hold grudges to anyone who talked about me in the past few months, I'm practically blocked from the blogs of all of these people, and honestly Idc. I don't even use tumblr so i don't have any reason to stalk them or their posts. I tried to name as little people as possible, practically only naming Persmo throughout my whole post. They have me blocked from all of their blogs and accounts, and I'm in their blacklist and personal DNI. I just found out about all these stuff and accusations and said, hey, what if I talk about it too?
I'm not planning on being active here anytime soon, I'm trying not to force myself to be in social media. I don't have tiktok, nor twitter, not even instagram or anything anymore. I live on discord and whatsapp and I like it that way, lol. If anyone wants to talk to me, or make things up with me, or even demand an apology, my discord user is: aidandeli0n. I'm not one to block people and stuff, so you can say whatever you want. You can even harass me and tell me to kill myself, altho then I am gonna block you probably lol.
I welcome anyone who wants to talk with me to do so, I miss a lot of y'all and I think I owe a lot of people some apologies. Thanks to my friends for telling me everything that was going on, and for not hating me even though you had all the reasons to. I appreciate that.
Here's a picture of my cat and me, take it as my way of an apology.
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