Airi

I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief - C.S. Lewis

[airihimi]

Rain visits more often. The wind picks up. The sun hides behind the clouds visiting us.

It's October now.

Which is weird because you were supposed to be here. Sending me a picture of a sunset which had the privilege of of your eyes on him I can only dream of. I grew to like them solely because I connected them with you, and...

Gone is the sun with you.

The sky is empty and I can't look at it without hoping you are too. It's grey. The clouds, the rain, the space in my heart named after you. I wish I could have given it along with the piece I lost when I did you.

The worst part about all of this is, nothing changed yet everything did. The trains arrive, the river flows, the earth spins, the flowers grow, but this wound keeps bleeding. Sometimes I look away and believe it started healing, only to find a bigger pool of red around it.

I never thought I could be haunted by the softness of a voice or wholehearted laughter, but I hope yours haunt me so I can hear it one last time;

Airi H.

[airihimi]

My weird obsession for love roots so far I cannot tell where it ends and where I begin. But coming to realize that

I pray when I see an ambulance rushing by,

I take pictures of flowers growing in concrete on the side of a street,

I think about a stranger's beautiful smile for days after

and take dead bees on the roads into my hands to give them a little grave beneath flowers,

it made all the more sense.

I am love

And I will continue infecting the world with it until I turn into nothing but another flower.

Airi H.

[airihimi]

A hand who is used to giving will always struggle accepting.

Airi H.

[airihimi]

The misery of human existence does not lie in staying alive;

it starts and ends with someone you love.

Airi H.

[airihimi]

A paired dream in solitude

A busy day, the weight of the unbeknown on my shoulders

It was heavier than the silence we never broke,

heavier than the unspoken words, which still linger on my tongue like bad toothpaste.

I was supposed to pass through that room,

continue my day like any other after you.

But then I saw you, sat on a chair or a sofa-

shoulders just as heavy with the weight I'd recognize with closed eyes.

You looked up at me for the first time in- it doesn't matter,

because you were looking at me.

With the brown eyes I forgot like the part of me I left with you.

You stood, desperation laced to the words you were choking on.

Two steps. A heartbeat. A crack against my ribcage and two arms pulling me in by my waist.

And for enough time for tears to stain my cheeks, the world didn't hurt anymore. Silent.

The tips of your messy hair grazed my cheek, my arms wrapped around your neck.

Apologies spilled from both of us, words I've been revising and swallowing over and over again like a pill stuck to my throat.

Words, excuses, anything to explain your absence.

Another crack and your voice shut down. Our eyes clashed.

Then, you were gone.

I stared at my empty ceiling until my breathing slowed and my heartbeat was invisible again.

Having your eyes on me for one more time was worse than the next crack ringing in my ears.

Did you see me too? Soaked up every word not knowing when they would be real?

Knowing they wouldn't?

You visited me just to leave me again.

The last crack hurt more than your appearance, because at least it was real. There.

You left and I would give anything so you would visit me once more.

Airi H.

[airihimi]

The sky and the ocean,

distinct but incomplete without the other.

Yet,

what colour is the ocean without the sky?

Airi H.

[airihimi]

The very thing which has kept you alive,

buried you six feet under the same.

Airi H.

[airihimi]

Things may end. If not in life, then in death;

but not you, love.

Bloom, flourish.

Wreak havoc in this chaotic world!

Your name will be remembered until humanity collapses around the dust of your bones.

a quote from my book

Airi H.

[airihimi]

"Infinity is which lies between the sky and the ocean, but what hides between peace and war are the set of grey eyes staring back at me."

a quote from my book

Airi H.

[airihimi]

Emptiness doesn't crash into someone's life

nor does he disappear like a soul in a grave.

He's there, and he's not.

Like light in a fog.

Like rain in your clothes.

Like love in your pain.

Always there, yet hiding.

Airi H.

[airihimi]

I engraved your name into the knife so everyone could know you were the only thing left inside of my heart.

Airi H.

[airihimi]

I cannot be loved.

When the rain hides my tears

and the pained voices of my mind hold me company,

the river splashes against the bridge beneath,

stopping my foot in the air.

I cannot be loved.

Little sparks of white melt in my palms,

drops of red pave through my flesh,

light strings of green under my skin

and the gold warming it all.

A small eternal breath and a step back.

I cannot be loved,

but these hands, these arms,

these shoulders and this tongue were made to love.

This curse caging my heart

allows everyone and everything to drown in love,

except myself.

Airi H.

[airihimi]

If you died from your favorite thing in the world, what killed you?

I would

drown in the blue of his eyes like the ocean hitting a cliff

silence by his voice resonating in my ears

choke in his hands he gently pulled me against himself with

And last

watch him pierce through the heart

which utterly belongs to him.

Airi H.

[airihimi]

If the world was blind

Their vision would return with the shine of your heart and beauty of your soul

If the world was deaf

Their ears would clear and their hearts would connect with the music of your voice and choir of your speech

If the world was mute

Your silence would have started it

If the world was gone

It would be because you are too.

a peek into my journal

Airi H.

[airihimi]

I want to wake up before the sun has reached the horizon far far away. I want to sleepily step on the floorboards and out into the garden to watch the stars hide themselves from me as the cold wraps itself around me like a cozy blanket. Until then, I will survive and bear the burden of this miserable world.

[airihimi]

What is it called when I'm pouring my heart out in red ink on paper while the world only understands black and white on a screen? Is it salvation or loneliness?

[airihimi]

“It’s more complicated than that. Love is so beautiful, so raw, it can only be felt to be understood.”

Airi H.