flying high

if there was no where to land, i wouldn't be scared at all. indie circus oc.

[lviitsa]

( don’t look at me like that, don’t say those   things, don’t, don’t, don’t. 

  she ducks her head, tries to hide her face,   the burning heat in her eyes. she won’t cry   in front of deidre, not now and not ever, she   hopes, because the only person she has ever   cried in front of has been valentin, who has   seen her through all of it, everything. )

          I don’t know.

( she swallows around the lump in her throat. )

          I don’t know what you want me to say.

[airlessgrace-blog]

   I ----

( she doesn’t know what to say other. she wants    more than anything to fix what she’s done, how    she’s hurt rina, but there’s nothing she can do.     there’s nothing to do but show rina that she does    care, that she is important to her, that -- )

     ----- I love you. 

[ruinaa-archive-blog]

                 You’re saying that’s easy?

( she’s intrigued, of course, because   she can’t remember the last time she   saw something like that, let alone up   close, but – )

          I think I’d rather just watch.

[airlessgrace-blog]

(  she doesn’t give up that easy. young,     female volunteer -- it was good for the     crowd. )

     It’s quite a thrill. Letting go of your       own fears....

[selfishheroism-archive]

[he was sneaking around while his brother slept, jacques told him not to get into trouble, but really trouble found him anyway. it wasn’t his fault. at least that’s what he would tell her.]

Nuh-uh, I work here. 

[in the loosest possible term yet. they’d wandered into the area about six hours ago and hadn’t been told what they would need to do in order to stay.]

No, but I can learn. I’m a fast learner. 

[airlessgrace-blog]

( ah. it must be another orphan to clean up   after them. she crouches down to his level,   gives him a long look. ) 

      Are you afraid of heights? 

( better yet -- )

       What’s your name? 

[ruinaa-archive-blog]

  ( oh boy. )

          – – what do I have to do?

[airlessgrace-blog]

    It’s very easy. 

( ish. )

     You get swung by your arms to one        trapeze artist, then the other grabs your       legs, and then the last gently sets        you down.        

[airlessgrace-blog]

( she notices him standing by the stage are     before he notices her. )   

       Nobody is allowed back here.

( she keeps her voice firm, but there’s a smile   on her face. she sees him looking at the swings.)

      --- unless, of course, you can swing from          both those ends. 

[airlessgrace-blog]

    Hey, you. 

( she pulls the young woman aside. )

      Would you like to be a volunteer           in our show? 

[lviitsa]

( heat creeps into her face when deidre leans   over. as familiar as she is with this, with her,   it’s still startling, sometimes, how easily she   is flustered by it. )

          Ask and they give it to you, then?            How lucky you must be. 

( she props her chin in her hand and looks at   deidre, eyebrows lifting. )

          You must be feeling very generous.

[airlessgrace-blog]

( she notices. )

     I am incredibly lucky. 

( she mimics rina’s motion, head perfectly    lined up with hers. her arm reaches out    to run a finger down rina’s side. )

      I am also feeling incredibly generous. 

[lviitsa]

( she wants to leave, like she always does when   things are like this, because it’s easier. it always   has been; it is what she’s always done. fighting   with deidre is different than fighting with valentin   or one of the others; somehow, it hurts more, the   sort of sharp pain she can’t swallow down and   hide. it leaves her feeling empty, like all of that   anger has done nothing but gnaw away at her   ribs. 

  before, in the beginning, she’d thought that she   hated deidre for doing this to her; sometimes, she   thinks she still might. )

          I don’t want you to apologize.

( arms folded across her stomach, fingers digging   in her sides, she shakes her head, looks at deidre. )

          I just – don’t.

[airlessgrace-blog]

    Rina ---

( in a few minutes, or even a few seconds, she    knows that rina will leave. and when she does,    diedre isn’t always sure that she will come back.    some things are too much; deidre never knows   when her insensitivity is the final straw. saying   sorry is never enough. )

     What do you want me to do, then? I’ll -- whatever              you want, I’ll do it. 

[airlessgrace-blog]

like for a starterrr

[lviitsa]

( she studies deidre for a long, long moment,   like this is a dare, like they haven’t done this   before. finally, she drags herself out of the   chair, takes her time crossing the room. 

  lounging across deidre’s bed like she belongs   there, she smirks. )

          Your bed is more comfortable than mine.

( like she hasn’t been there before. )

          I see who the golden children are. I ought           to complain.

[airlessgrace-blog]

( rina is predictable in this; she’s here, on    her bed, but changing the subject. deidre      leans over, presses a long, lingering kiss    to her cheek, and pulls away. )

    I require luxury to stay at my prime. 

( the bed is hardy ‘luxury’ but it is nice. ) 

   I will not complain if we must share it. 

[lviitsa]

( that’s the difference between them – she   has always been held accountable for what   she’s done. by herself, by her brother, who   has never let anything slip past a day in his   life, especially not hurt. he is too gentle for   that, a softening point for all of her too sharp   edges. 

  she looks at deidre, bites the inside of her    cheek. this isn’t what she wants. )

          All right. 

( it’s a hollow echo; she is tired of fighting,    especially with her. she doesn’t know what   to do now that it’s done. )

          That’s it, then.

[airlessgrace-blog]

( she can see where she’s messed up;    her hands, unclenched now, lay limp at   her sides. she wants to reach out to rina,    to do something, but all she has right now    are words. and when the it’s not for show,   deidre has never learned how to speak from   the heart. )

   I’m sorry. 

( it comes out weak. ) 

    I’m sorry. 

( this time, stronger. )

[lviitsa]

          Then it’s a good thing I do not have           anywhere to be, isn’t it?

[airlessgrace-blog]

( she pats the side of the bed next to her,   wanting to see if rina is actually going    to go through with her words. )

[lviitsa]

( deidre can stomp her feet and curl her   fists and yell at her all she wants. she   has long since tired of the theatrics of   it. )

          Then start acting like it.

[airlessgrace-blog]

( she does not know how to respond.    with her brothers, she has never been held    accountable for her own actions when   it comes to being so careless. never growing   up has she thought about the more sensitive   side of things. ) 

   --- Alright. 

( the fight has left her. )

[lviitsa]

( she leans back in her chair, legs dangling    over the edge, feet swinging. 

  tipping her head to look at deidre, she winks,   grinning wide. ) 

          It might be beneficial. 

[airlessgrace-blog]

( she’s a bit caught off guard by her quick    wink. ) 

    -- practice requires a few hours, you know. 

[lviitsa]

          – – oh.

( red creeps up her neck. )

          Your aim could use some work.

[airlessgrace-blog]

( she’s quick to find another weak spot. )

    Perhaps more practice, then? 

[lviitsa]

          Like – like – – 

( she stops, takes a step back, because she   can’t look at deidre when she’s like this; it   makes her too angry, all that spite swelling   up. deidre, who stands there like she expects   all the answers to simply be handed to her,   like she is unbothered by all of it, like she is   bored, waiting. )

          Like you care about this at all.

[airlessgrace-blog]

     I do care!

( her fist clench at her sides, agitation and frustration    clear in her body’s movements. she hates this dragging   of things -- she wants resolution right away, a fixed    point. she cannot do this with her impatience. she stares   back at rina, foot stomping. ) 

     Of course I do care!

[lviitsa]

( pointing to her cheek, )

          – you missed.

[airlessgrace-blog]

  Maybe I was aiming for other places. 

( it’s always fun to tease her. )