[ajwllmsn]

I don’t want to do drag anymore. I just want to be a woman.

[ajwllmsn]

NO ONE CARES. QUIT DRAG. THIS INDUSTRY IS STUPID

[ajwllmsn]

Omg no one cares. Please quit drag in two years. Promise yourself that you will quit this stupid industry in two years.

[ajwllmsn]

Been a while. Nothing has changed. The pestering feelings continue to pester. Is this a sign? Is it okay to give up? Is there a life beyond where I’m at now? I am so alone. Talking to someone is so pointless. Let it out here. That’s why I’m here. I guess they’re right when they say just write it down, if all else fails. Living like this is so painful. And pathetic. Someone tell me what to do please. I can’t live like this anymore. Where’s the reset button. When will I stop caring. When will I be able to look back on this and laugh? When will I stop caring? WHEN WILL I BE HAPPY? WHEN

WILL

I

MATTER?!

When?

[ajwllmsn]

My depression seems like it’s the worst it’s ever been lately. So much of my soul is telling me to just give up and throw everything away, likely because I’m so desperate to reset my life. I literally want everything to change. My home, my career, my people, my environment, my face, my attitude, my brain. I’m too logical so I know a hard reset like this usually doesn’t work for people, but what if it actually does? Would doing something like this be worth the risk? Would I find the happiness I so badly long for or would it just sink me further into my depression.

They say you’re suppose to lean on your support system for help, but I truly have no desire to talk to anyone. And even if I did they likely won’t know how to help me. I don’t even know how to help myself.

What answer am I searching for? I feel trapped in my emotions. Stuck in endless sadness. I’m faking my way through everything. My passion for life is gone. To be fair I’m not sure I ever had a “passion for life” but if there was any part of me that had that passion it feels more distant than ever before.

I just want to be a woman. And to be left alone. What’s the point in talking to anyone. It exhausts me. I hate that I feel this way but it’s the truth.

[ajwllmsn]

Haven’t been on here in a while. I’m having a moment and it’s making me feel like shit and I need to just let it out somewhere. It weirdly feels like a new kind of low. A new kind of depression. Like it’s searing into me. Like it’s actually physically attacking me.

I’m taking every little thing so personal because of my fucked up desire to be 1000% perfect. I’m literally turning into a robot. A mannequin. Pretty soon I’ll be nothing more than a piece of unmoving plastic with zero substance and an inability to build a meaningful connection with anyone.

I feel extremely disconnected from everyone and everything. I’m trapped in a weird routine where it feels like I’m screaming for people to notice me, on a deeper level, and if they do notice it’s only because they’re distracted by my physical appearance and nothing more.

Cuz that’s just it, that’s all I have. My looks. It’s all anyone ever seems to care about when it comes to me. Surface level only. I can’t possibly be anything beyond that. I’m wonderful to just look at and admire from afar but outside of that I’m extremely unlikable.

And yet, why I do I care so much for these deeper connections if parts of me keep saying to myself “I don’t give a fuck about anyone else.” If I don’t care about anyone else, why should I care what they think of me? Am I realizing that maybe I’m just not cut out for this? Sure maybe it’s just the pressures of drag talking, and I need to just take a breather and let it go, but this constantly comes up to the point that it’s making me dislike EVERYTHING in my life and I feel like I have nothing left in my world that I enjoy. Even watching TV feels like a fucking chore.

This is so fucked, and I want to so badly change the channel of my brain and take my own advice. Who cares if those group of people don’t like you. FUCK THEM. I am so sick and tired all the time so I shouldn’t be expending any energy toward that. Stop checking in on him. IT’S DONE. It’s been done for FOUR YEARS. LET IT FUCKING GO.

I’m starting to feel like I want to be a different person. Either that or someone who wants to runaway and not look back. I’m all over the place and for some reason nothing is making sense but also making perfect sense at the same time.

Good night.

[ajwllmsn]

I’m literally never gonna heal from my issues lol.

[ajwllmsn]

I will never be good enough. I should just die.

[ajwllmsn]

I let the heartbreak and sadness from my last relationship ending define me. It’s ruining my life and I don’t know what to do.

I really can’t live like this anymore. I just want to sleep and never wake up.

[ajwllmsn]

I haven’t been held or loved in so long. And the last time I was held and loved it was by someone who actually didn’t even love me at all.

Britney was right, this loneliness is killing me.

[ajwllmsn]

Of course I caved. Of course I gave up. I did about 6 weeks of staying away, and then tonight I just couldn’t stay away any longer.

To no surprise, keeping up with you and seeing what you’re up to continues to break me. I’m so angry and I’m so jealous that you love someone else and not me anymore.

Almost 3 years later and I STILL think about you everyday. Even the weeks I didn’t look you up, you still came across my mind every single day.

This shit is so fucking stupid and having this mental disorder is unbelievably exhausting.

Why can’t I let him go? Why can’t I move on? I already got closure, so why can’t I accept that it’s over? LONG over.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

[ajwllmsn]

I don’t believe anybody cares about me anymore, so I no longer have interest in sharing details of my personal life with anyone anymore. Just going to keep things surface level from now on. I don’t feel like building close relationships anymore.

[ajwllmsn]

It’s still hard to stay away from you, but I’m glad that so far I’ve been able to do it. Hopefully I can keep this up.

Obviously I still think about you everyday. Maybe someday that will stop. For now, I have to celebrate that I’m making progress.

If destiny brings us together again someday then so be it. Likely won’t happen, but if it happens then it fucking happens.

I still don’t feel like living anymore. I only have fun when I’m drinking. That’s all for now.

[ajwllmsn]

First day trying to stay away from staying connected to you. It’s hard. Very hard. Especially seeing you so happy with someone else. I know I need to move on for my own good but the fucked up part of me still misses you and wants to keep holding on.

A long way to go but I have to try. I know I’ll always be sad no matter what, but at least if I try I might not always be in pain.

[ajwllmsn]

At this point, I’ll never be happy for as long as I’m alive. Suicide hotlines were unhelpful. Each day I feel worse and worse.

It might be time.

[ajwllmsn]

It’s my own fault. Clinging on to the delusion and watching you move on and be happy from the shadows. Those memories and that time together was the only time in my entire life I felt happy and good about myself. Once you left, that reconfirmed more than ever that I’ve been a disposable waste of space my entire life.

Never the best. Never desired. Never loved for me being exactly who I am. Who I am will never be good enough for anyone.

No matter how much I “love myself” that won’t be enough for me. If I’m the only person that loves me then what’s the point in being around others or opening up to others? Even then I don’t love myself right now.

Everyday I feel lonely, pathetic, unlovable, undesirable, literally human garbage. As soon as I wake up my instant emotion is sadness and the sadness stays the entire day and only temporarily goes away through distractions or work, and even then the sadness will sometimes slip through the cracks and find its way into my distractions or work.

This is truly exhausting. Feeling this way everyday, repeating this to myself everyday, living with this everyday.

No one will be able to help me. I know the only person that can help me is myself, but at this rate I really don’t see the point anymore.

[ajwllmsn]

Never mind. Make that next year. I really want to die. I have nothing to live for.